Mr. SponsorPants

Questions via Email: Trust

Good morning Mr. SponsorPants,

I hope you can help me with a little dilemma I have.  I recently came back after a run of several years.  Before that I had several years in the rooms before I went out.  Now that I am back in the rooms I am actually in a different state than I lived in when I got sober.  My issue now is trusting people in the rooms.  The first time I was in the rooms I trusted everyone because I didn't realize that some are sicker than others.  Now I find myself on the other extreme.  I don't share at all in meetings because I don't know who is safe.  I call my sponsor but I find myself holding back.  I haven't outright lied yet but I just leave things out... and yes, I know, omission is a form of deception.

I know it takes time to open up and trust people, but I am afraid that my lack of trust will take me back out.  Right now my sponsor gave me some step work to do and I have no issue writing it all out.  I think knowing these things and having them in black and white in front of me will get me to learn a lot about myself and the patterns that lead me to drink.  However, if I am to do this properly, a lot will be revealed and I am afraid to tell it to my sponsor, or anyone for that matter.  I know I need to do this, but I don't know how willing I am to share it.  I'm stuck right now.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

Stuck Untrusting and Nervous I'll Relapse

Dear SUNIR,

The first thing I want to say to you is welcome back!

A relapse of several years has to include some real darkness, and many people seem to find coming back to Alcoholics Anonymous strangely harder than the first time they came into the rooms.  Please, please, be gentle with yourself, and rely on the fact that nothing in Alcoholics Anonymous is theory based -- it has evolved through the practical experience of many thousands of clean and sober alcoholics, and if it worked for them it WILL work for you.

Willing but unsure of those around you, afraid of relapse, wanting to trust but unable to do so ... oh, SUNIR, I am sorry, that is a dreadful place to be.  It's a terrible tangle of emotions -- let's try and sort some of this out and break it down into some actions you can try, okay?

You are right -- it takes time to open up and trust people.  To reflect back to you what you're describing, it is like some nightmarish race you find yourself in: Will you be able to develop the ability to open yourself to people in AA before your alcoholism sneaks up behind you and grabs you by the throat and drags you back down to hell?

Here's what I think:  Yes, you will be able to.

And here's how:

Start talking about this fear and trust challenge with just a few people in AA.  Yes, some are sicker than others -- so find a few of the others, and skip the some.  That may be easier than initially broaching the trust issue with your sponsor.  Sometimes we unconsciously bring a lot of baggage to the sponsor relationship (I'm not saying you have, I'm just saying it is not uncommon) and that can make it difficult to open up in that relationship at first.  So find a few people in the rooms -- maybe someone who has experience with relapse -- and just say this to them:  "Since I came back to AA I am having trouble with trust."  That's all.  You don't have to elaborate, or give any specifics, and if pressed for more information you can just say "That's all I'm comfortable saying for now, but I'm trying to reach out."  Or something like that.  You can play 'broken record' if people -- often with good intention -- encourage you to share more before you're ready. 

The point is to start to open up.  And you don't have to -- ever, if you don't want to -- share anything that makes you feel too vulnerable or unsafe -- but you can start to talk about the problem you're having opening up (and it will not only be helpful to you, but to others as well).  Part of what's keeping you silent is this perhaps unconscious assumption you're making that to open up equals getting immediately into the toughest stuff you're afraid to share -- but you don't have to start there -- and you never have to go there till you're ready -- all you have to do is start talking about the problem of talking.

My experience with my own fears -- when alcoholism has my perceptions warped and my vision twisted -- is that all my fears feel huge, and they spill over onto each other and feed each other and my alcoholism, which then feeds them -- no wonder we can't do this alone! 

When trying to untangle my fears it helps me to sort them this way:  Ego fears and Survival fears. 

Ego fears I must (eventually) smash, Survival fears I must pay attention to, but modulate.  (To illustrate the difference somewhat, it is Ego fear if I am afraid that taping money to my face and walking naked through Central Park at 3am will make me look foolish.  It is Survival fear if I am afraid doing that will get me killed.  Sometimes they overlap, which can make things even more confusing.)

This all may sound obvious, but what I've found is that when alcoholism has my head spinning my Ego fears feel like Survival fears -- thus it can seem like if I raise my hand in a group to share then I will be destroyed. 

Of course, that's not a thought I literally have -- "If I share I will be destroyed!" -- it's an intensity of feeling -- my level of anxiety over what people think of me -- or what will happen if I tell my secrets -- is like my life was at stake

So don't try to tackle that all at once.  Start with the manageable, and begin to say to some few individuals that you are having a problem with trust and with sharing.   Work up to saying to your sponsor that you are struggling with trusting everyone -- including your sponsor.

And here's another thought:  How about breaking the action of your suggested First Step writing in half, like it's the Eighth Step ("... made a list ... and became willing ...").  In other words, first do the writing and then work on becoming willing to share it.  Even though you have "no issue writing it all out" right now you're scaring yourself with the sharing part.  You frame writing as something you're "going to do" -- but haven't done yet.  You can get into some immediate action without being fully willing to take on the second part -- the reading it to your sponsor.  In fact, I might suggest that you share that with your sponsor -- "I'm writing, but I'm not ready to read it yet."  One way or another, I cannot think or feel my way into different thinking and feelings -- it is through action that I change those.  So if the problem is the feeling of fear -- a lack of trust -- the first action you can take is the writing.  Get busy and see what happens, feeling-wise.

You are very wise to extrapolate out that eventually this paralysis puts you at some risk for relapse.  So again (because I think it is very important, and also because in my experience alcoholics are great ones for saying we have no problem doing something -- but still not doing it):  Getting into action will shore up your sobriety -- a lot, I wager -- and you can do that without immediately tackling the larger fears about trust.

Finally, I suggest you bring a Higher Power -- as you understand a Higher Power -- into this equation.  You don't even have to understand your Higher Power to ask for help.  You can even believe that asking an HP for help is stupid or weak or foolish or insane or lame or it didn't work before or it won't work this time or ... or ... or... .  Just get quiet for a few minutes regularly (morning and night?  Shower and sitting in the car at lunch?) and ask for Divine Guidance, and for help in setting aside fear and mistrust.

If you get to have an HP as you understand them, then you can have one that is so delighted to hear from you that it doesn't matter if you're kneeling at the foot of your bed or jumping around in the back row of an aerobics class wearing your old leg warmers and going "Woo!" when your favorite song comes on.  That is a completely hypothetical example, of course.  (What -- why are you all looking at me like that?)  My experience has been that if I regularly ask HP to help me become willing the door starts to open a little bit.  And that's all it takes.  You don't have to become 100% willing.  You just have to get to 51%.  That's always enough to get me started.

Listen to the part of you that wants to live, SUNIR.  And remember, you've already done the hard part -- you came back from a real and tough relapse.  Keep that in perspective -- the toughest part is behind you, so the level of fear you have now (i.e. lack of trust) is your alcoholism working on you.

Fear is a part of the human experience -- it's the amount of it and where it comes from and whether or not I let it drive me or paralyze me that I think marks me as an alcoholic. 

The good news is that you and I have spiritual tools to use to deal with that fear and keep our alcoholism from using it against us.

To quote the Big Book, "It works -- it really does."

Welcome back, keep coming back, and know that everyone who read this today is rooting for you to make it -- especially me.  With all that in your corner your alcoholism doesn't stand a chance.

Love,

Mr. SP

Mr. SponsorPants Annual Holiday Survival Guide

Last year I didn't publish this till December 25th, at which time it was pointed out to me in terms strong and acerbic (hence all the italics -- some people just speak in italics) that maybe I was a little late.  In fact, they said something like, "You put this up on Christmas?  What the hell is the point in that?  The holidays are practically over at that point.  You should have put it up before Thanksgiving, when people are beginning to deal with this and make plans.  That was stupid."

Ouch.  Point taken.  So here it is:

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Mr. SponsorPants Annual Holiday Survival Guide

Holidays, families and alcoholics.  A potent combination, be it for feeling gratitude or copping an attitude.  As the old joke goes, no one knows how to push your buttons like your family -- after all, they installed them.

With that said, here is some of the best I can offer when it comes to holiday parties, family visits, and this whole wonderful/terrible time of year:

1. Remember, you don't have to go.  Yes, yes, maybe you should go.  Maybe it's a bad idea for your career, or it would be hurtful or disappointing to someone if you don't go -- those can be compelling reasons to get on a plane or show up at a party -- but you don't have to go.  You aren't trapped, and you can change your mind at any time if you need to -- you can turn that car right around on the way to the airport or before you enter the parking structure.  If you are a real addict your life is on the line, and though we can be prone to drama and selfish decisions, it's better in my humble opinion to stay sober and after the fact determine that you might have been oversensitive or dramatic, than to decide that in advance and force yourself to go somewhere slippery when you're feeling frightened, resentful and trapped -- and then relapse.  Because if you really are an alcoholic then your alcoholism really is trying to kill you -- and you may have taken the holiday off, but it hasn't.

2. Remember, you can leave.  In the middle of a sentence, in the middle of a toast, in the middle of the cutting of a cake, you can, without drama, without a scene, excuse yourself and leave.  If the occasion or the moment seems to indicate a reason should be offered, just say you suddenly feel ill and step out.  It's not even a falsehood, though you may mean emotionally or spiritually ill and others may think the artichoke dip didn't agree with you.  In fact, it doesn't matter if people in the moment believe you or not, or if you have to explain a little more later, or make amends after the fact -- it is better to leave quietly and stay sober than remain at an event and relapse -- because if you relapse, they'll most likely wish you'd have left.  As I've said to sponsees, you can leave with a fork halfway to your mouth, if you have to.  Which leads me to...

3.  Remember, if at all possible, drive yourself and don't give anyone a lift -- not out of selfishness, out of self preservation.   If you have to leave because you are freaking out and you think you might not be able to stay sober then you need to leave -- not wait for someone to dither around saying goodbye or getting their coat or finishing that last slice of pie.  If you do have someone with you, hopefully you can explain in advance that you might have to leave abruptly -- not that you're planning on it, but that you might need to -- so help them have a Plan B for leaving if they want to stay, or perhaps agree that they're willing to leave on short notice with you.  If you're the passenger, be ready to call a cab or walk to the bus stop or at least step outside for some air.  Which brings us to...

4.  Remember, you can leave and then come back.  Leaving doesn't have to mean leaving the whole event and going home or back to the hotel or wherever -- go for a walk, get some of that aforementioned air, sit in the car and scream (though the valet may look at you funny) -- and then once you've gotten your equilibrium again go back in -- with an eye on the Exit for Round 2, if you have to.

5.  Remember, don't expect Program responses from people that aren't in the Program.  There you are, flush with recovery and armed with a whole new language to identify how you feel and communicate it with people.  Remember that the family dinner table is not a 12 Step Meeting, and you may start "sharing" rather than talking only to be met with "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."  Or worse (in my book) patronizing smiles that are the equivalent of a pat on the head and a "isn't that nice, dear."  Again: Don't expect people that aren't in a 12 Step Program to act like people in a 12 Step Program.  (And what's the set up there? The evil alcoholic node in that sentence?  "expect" -- expectations of family are some of the deepest -- and often least conscious -- and most lethal expectations an alcoholic can have.  Yes, it's a high bar to clear -- an impossible bar to clear in fact, to have absolutely no expectations of people -- but if you're aware of the mechanism at work it helps keep the resentments from running you ragged.)

6. Remember, for most addicts, maybe = yes.  If you think you might drink or use if you visit certain people or places then that's just a prelude to actually doing so.  Be sure of yourself.  If you're not sure, the stakes are too high to play a people-pleasing game and place yourself at risk.

7. Remember, other people find the holidays difficult and emotionally charged as well.  You're not the only one having a tough time of it -- watch for your ego, and rather than sit in your own upset, see who and how you can help wherever you may be or whomever you may be with.

8.  Remember, "Please pass the gravy" is not code for "Please, now that you're sober, unload all of your pent up anger and frustration you've been stuffing for the past X years, right here right now, during dinner." 

9.  Remember, Alcoholics Anonymous suggests when dealing with resentments, we set them on paper.  Even for those of us that are learning we are not door mats it is not necessarily smart to immediately confront a situation head on.  In fact, by writing out a quick inventory (and be careful where you leave that paper lying around if you're visiting home, Bucko) and organizing your thoughts and feelings you can then confront something and talk about the actual thing that caused your resentment, rather than get all tripped up talking about your feelings and anger.  It's a very different thing to say "Please don't make jokes about my job" instead of "I feel angry when you make jokes about my job."  The latter will just create a discussion about your feelings, and that's not what you're trying to do -- you're trying to set a boundary, not invite opinions on your emotional sensitivity level.  If you write out your resentment you can get clarity in your head before you open your mouth -- I've tried it the other way, to spectacularly poor results, I assure you.  And all that is said with a giant IF in front of the idea that it is wise for you to "confront" anyone at all.  Most of the time it probably isn't.

10.  Remember, it is possible to look like you're listening intently to someone while you are actually saying The Serenity Prayer over and over in your head.

11.  Remember, "love and tolerance is our code."  If your family, or your boss, or your employees, or whomever, actually could do any better they probably would.  For particularly difficult, toxic or challenging people try to consider that it is much worse to be them than to deal with them -- keep at the forefront of your mind that those who trouble us are spiritually sick themselves, and are deserving of our compassion (as difficult as it may be to summon for some) more than our criticism.

12.  Remember, you may not have been such a winner yourself on past occasions -- it may take a while for people to "see" who you are today.  Be patient, show who you are now rather than tell who you are now, and things will eventually change.

13.  Remember, miracles do happen -- damaged relationships heal, wounded parties forgive, shattered families come back together ... it doesn't happen the way we may envision it, or with a clever soundtrack and excellent lighting as in your favorite independent film, but it really does happen.

14.  Remember, breathe.  Just three deep breaths before speaking can save a life.  I am not exaggerating.

15.  Remember, it is not your family's job to understand alcoholism or Alcoholics Anonymous -- it's yours.

16.  Remember, it's not your job to diagnose everyone in your family with your magical new sober powers, nor is it your job to whip out your spiritual took kit and try to fix anyone around you.  AA is a program of attraction, not promotion.  When in doubt, keep your mouth shut.

17.  Remember, AA is a "design for living" -- and what that means in the real world is that other people's behavior does not dictate my behavior -- you can't make me yell or behave badly, only I can make me do that.  I am not a doormat, but I don't have to go to every fight I'm invited to, either.

18.  And finally, remember, bring your Higher Power with you -- you're not going in their alone.

      ______________________________________________________________

Why 18 and not a nice round number like 20?  Dunno -- I only have 18 I guess.

Happy holidays to all, and whatever you celebrate, it is a special day, but it is also just another 24 hours, and one minute at a time, this too shall pass.

Cheers!

Questions via Email: Letting go of resentment when you have "just cause"

Yo, Sponsorpants.
Its me, G. Anyway, I got 120 days clean and sober. This guy that babysat me while I was sobering up had opportunistic motives about my girlfriend. Using his skills to build inroads for proximity to my gal. After he lied to me about bringing over my clothes, and instead showed up with the police and turned me in to the police for a warrant, of which I spent 77 days in jail. Then this guy got directly to picking up on my girlfriend of 2 years and apparently he just wouldn't give up on it. Anyway him turning me in rather than me turning me in two days later (my plan) looks like that cost me 4000$. So I'm miffed. My girl thinks I should be Mr Sunshine about it all, but I'm mad at him sometimes. I mean I get it, I went to a killer rehab and really am glad about it. Like by keeping my sobriety date its worth any price, all's well that ends well and such. But I think this guys a jerk and I want to get over it. Temporarily its necessary that I interact with him on some basis, but it eats my lunch. My sponse has me doing a 6th step after what I feel was a pretty good 4th and abbreviated 5th. It really was a classic right out of the big book inventory, mrs brown, mrs jones, and others wagging their tongues and running their mouths, damaging my finances and my relationship. Every time I let it go it comes back up in a new way pissing me off all over again. Any advice ? 

How do I let go of crap like this?

Yours Truly,
G.

G,

First off, congratulations on 120 days clean and sober -- don't underestimate what a huge accomplishment that is.  It's so easy in the bigger-is-better, more-is-the-goal world to discount a day of sobriety -- but one day is a huge accomplishment for people like us who are in free fall when it comes to our using -- so 120 days is awesome -- and that's no bullshit pep talk -- I've seen way too many people struggle to put a day together and not be able to do it.

The heart of your question is this:  How do I let go of something which I have just cause to be angry over?  How do I let go when every time I look at my checkbook, or see this guy, it all comes up again?  AA literature suggests I leave "justified anger to those better qualified to handle it."  As with many of the suggestions in AA over the years I have a kind of dual reaction to it:  On the one hand, I think, "Wow, based on what I know of my alcoholism that is a very good idea."  On the other hand I think, "Oh yeah?  Sometimes that's a whole lot easier said than done."

The practical and specific answer to your question is that for me "letting go" of something can be a process which happens in stages -- yes, sometimes I have been able to freely and completely let something go all at once, but that just hasn't been possible for me on every resentment I have -- and whether or not that's the "goal" is a whole other question.  It feels like it's supposed to be the goal sometimes.  I judge my "process," I question my fluency with the spiritual tools when I struggle -- yet more and more I see a value in the struggle which is equal to, if not greater than, the result (in this case the result being total freedom from a resentment).  The struggle helps me feel compassion for others in their struggle, and thus be more open and patient with them.  It keeps me from being complacent in my own recovery.  It helps me live these principles.  If resistance breaks a muscle down so that it can grow bigger, why then mightn't that also be the process for my spirit?  (I'm not talking about suffering, I'm talking about challenge, struggle and effort -- those are not the same as "suffering," nor is the former required for the latter.)

Primarily, at its most basic level, I'm successful at letting go of something if it does not first become fuel for rationalizations to drink and use again.  Sometimes I think that I've successfully let go of something only if I'm floating around, devoid of any residual feeling about what happened, but physical sobriety must come first -- without it all the rest is lost.  So to a certain degree I've "let go" pretty well if what used to cause me to self-destruct no longer does so.  I may be uncomfortable with how I feel, but my actions (always the bottom line) are healthy; I'm maintaining my sobriety.

My drinking has the inevitability of cascading dominoes once certain things happen inside me (which is why I, alone, on my own, am powerless to stop it) -- and what scares me is how deeply below the surface those domino topplers may hide.  Anger and resentment (which are the masks my fear wears) are the prime ingredients in unbalancing me -- all the tools of recovery (all of them in concert) are the conduit which keeps a channel to a Higher Power alive and viable.  I can't do it alone, but with that spiritual connection I'm able to keep my anger from being used by my alcoholism as justification for picking up the first drink.   (So some days that first domino may wobble, but as long as it doesn't fall, I live.)

I (on my own) am powerless over this horrible, insane, soul killing, self destructive disease process -- so I get the power I need from a connection to God -- whatever God may mean to each of us. The people in AA are not god (boy, that's for sure) but the collected experience of meetings, the 12 Steps and AA literature seems to help open the channel I need to access that power.

That's the first part of letting go for me, the Divine assist.  God, (as I understand God -- it can be different for each of us, that's the freedom from bias and baggage AA offers) helps me keep my anger in perspective, so it doesn't overwhelm me and take me out.  When it's in perspective I'm better set up not to hang on to it each time it returns.

The second part of letting go of "justified" resentment is on pages 66 and 67 of the Big Book:

"This was our course:  We realized that the people who wrong us were perhaps spiritually sick.  Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too."

Notice that it does not say:  "This was our course:  We pretended that we were okay with them shitting all over us."

For me, letting go of something is not about pretending that I feel no hurt or anger -- it's first about not acting on those feelings and then second about seeing the person who wronged me in a different light.

Because the fact is, regardless of the other guy's motives (and they sure look shady to me, but God alone knows what twisted rationalizations he may have in his own head for what he's pulled) he really is spiritually sick.  No different than if he were physically sick, except that his symptoms manifest through dishonesty and manipulation rather than a high fever and nausea.

And to take that analogy further, if he were physically sick, and vomited all over you (gross!),  a part of cleaning yourself up would not be pretending that you were ok with what happened -- but it would be obvious that what happened was because he was sick, he didn't do it to you -- you were just in the way of the manifestation of his physical sickness.

So, too, I believe, you were in the way of this other alcoholic's spiritual sickness.  Yes, you were involved, but he didn't do it to you so much as he was acting out his very sick needs, whether they were to acquire, or to punish, or to get one over on someone and feel more powerful, or, or, or ... guessing his specific brand of sickness almost doesn't matter -- the key is to really understand that he is acting from spiritual disease, not malice -- though it sure looks the same in practice, I'll grant you that.  Changing how I view those I resent will absolutely change the way the resentment keeps returning -- it will literally, in answer to your question, help "let go of crap like that."

I can tell you honestly that with time, and with practice, I am now (usually) able to jump pretty quickly to viewing those who "wrong" me (whether their wronging me is real or imagined is a whole other conversation -- clearly there is just cause in what you've described) as spiritually sick -- especially other alcoholics, as life and the ism have brought me to my knees on more than one occasion (or, more accurately, brought me to being curled in the fetal position on the kitchen floor, staring dully at the baseboard and in the worst emotional pain of my life, acutely aware that I created the situation myself -- thanks, Inventory! -- and idly wondering when the last time I washed the baseboard was.)

The intensity and the duration of even justified anger will fade with diligent practice in the use of the spiritual tools -- that is a rock solid promise.  (And when I look at it that way, I can even find a level of gratitude to those who wronged me, as they become my greatest spiritual teachers by their having done so.)

The answer is, and always comes back to -- prayer, and guarding our actions.  Pray on something a thousand times and you'll feel differently, I assure you.  (A thousand!  Sure -- so you better get busy -- but it might only take a hundred.)  Pray, as the Big Book suggests, for a compassionate view of this person, and for God (as you understand God) to free you from the anger which understandably returns when dealing with him.  And your girlfriend's advice is sound (whether it comes from a fear of confrontation or from a smart take on the spiritual tools doesn't matter -- it is very good advice):  Don't engage with him on this and don't indulge the anger when it occurs -- you may not be able to stop it from showing up, but you don't have to ask it to sit down and join you in conversation.  Sometimes all that keeps me from clocking someone is that I don't want to have to make amends to that s.o.b. down the line -- it's not much, but it keeps me from doing things that will only exacerbate the problem.  Recovering alcoholics pay dearly for that very momentary emotional satisfaction of lashing out.  Old behaviors bring old feelings -- acting on my old behaviors bring those feelings which recreate all the alcoholic thinking I suffered under for so long -- that literally drove me -- and which I have worked so, so hard to get out from under.

Finally, here's something important I want you to consider:

I'm blown away at the even tone of your email.  This guy was messing with your finance and your romance -- two deeply sensitive areas for any person, and virtually explosive ones for alcoholics -- and from what I read in your email you are really looking for honest solutions and working not to act on your justified anger.  Sure, we admit that we placed ourselves in a position somewhere along the way that left us vulnerable to other people's sickness harming us, but it's hard to see that sometimes, or when we do it feels like we're blaming ourselves for other people's bad behavior -- neither of which is the point of the inventory or the 12 Step process as a whole -- and it reads to me like you've got a really good, balanced take on your part in things.  Please, G, take a minute to sincerely look yourself in the eyes in the mirror and acknowledge that.  It is a personal victory for any alcoholic to be sincere in their recovery, as you are, and a testament to how AA's 12 Steps can change people from self-destructive rage bombs to people who can take some knocks and not let it run them -- or, maybe more accurately, send them out on a run.  I really want to salute you for that.

Hope some of that is useful, G.  Keep the faith and keep coming back.

Cheers!

Mr. SponsorPants

Questions! Via Electronic Mail! Over the Internetwork of Computers! Writing the Fear Inventory

Hi Mr. Sponsorpants! Long time listener, first time caller. :)

I've actually been wanting a reason to email you and The Universe being as wonderful and yielding as it is at times, has provided me with an opportunity to ask for your experience on a 12 step matter.

I am currently doing a very specific inventory. I have had experience working the fourth step since 1994, so I've been around this block a few times. However, this is a very different inventory for me and I guess because I am in a very different place this year I was thinking about a different approach. Not that I would ever mess w/ or seek to improve our Big Book, I find the 4 column resentment inventory a perfect tool for self awareness, ego deflation and introspection.  I am curious however, how you do your Fear Inventory. I have never gone beyond getting them down on paper, asking myself why I had them (cause),  examining my fears (Fear of losing something I have, not gaining something I want, and/or being found out) and then looking at the exact nature of my wrongs (Where was I selfish, dishonest, self seeking and frightened) concerning each  fear.

I have done some research out there in the Googleverse and seen 4 and 5 column Fear Inventories (Joe and Charlie, Mark H and Joe H., etc.),  and I have never been instructed to do such by any sponsor I've had. Also, the headings of such columns seem to vary w/ interpretation (I suppose)  so I am a little confused. Actually, I'm not as confused as I am curious.

Would you care to share how you do your Fear Inventory?

Thanks,
SV  

SV, thank you for that excellent question!  I too have seen lots of different Guides for writing a Fear Inventory, most from sober and reliable sources.  My opinion (shaped strongly by my dead sponsor, John S., who's wise counsel I miss every single day of my life) is that if they help someone sort out what drives some of their fears, then that's great, but making many columns for the Fear Inventory is a little bit like gilding the lily.

First, a quick recap for the new kids:  Alcoholics Anonymous suggests, via Step 4, a "searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."  I think it's worth noting that the word "moral" perhaps wasn't quite as loaded or politically charged  a term when the Steps were written -- but that's my opinion, not a quote from any historical resource.  When I first encountered the 4th Step I made a religious association with the word "moral," but today I believe that the connotation is less about some kind of Old Testament value system (which is certainly a fine one if that's your preference) but refers more broadly to the sick behavior patterns and attitudes we developed under the influence of alcohol/ism.  Yes, those things are bad, as in "it's bad to hit yourself in the head with a hammer", not bad as in "you are Bad and God is keeping score and you've got yet another black mark next to your name!"

As you know, SV, but to be clear for the new kids, the 4th Step inventory is broken up into 3 parts:  Resentments, Fear and Sex.

The resentment part of the inventory is the most structured -- the infamous "four column" inventory, discussed in great detail here and many other places, and spelled out in the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" (AA's Big Book) on pages 64 thru 67.  Thus, organizing the other parts of the inventory (Fear and Sex) into columns is a somewhat natural progression from that example.  It's not exactly how I read what the Big Book says about the Fear Inventory, though. 

Here is what the Big Book says about the Fear Inventory, on pg. 68 (I'm pulling out what are, to me, the specific instructions from the text and summarizing the couple paragraphs between):

"We reviewed our fears thoroughly.  We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them." 

And then it goes on to say:  "We asked ourselves why we had them.  Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us?  Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough.  Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem -- or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse."  In my humble opinion (and it is not my intent in this to criticize those learned sober scholars who have parsed the Big Book down to such a fine degree that I stand in awe -- and puzzlement, sometimes -- of their process) the beginning of that, "We asked ourselves why we had them" is more a rhetorical question than an instruction, since it goes right on to answer itself with the point about self-reliance, making a logical bridge to the subsequent ideas about faith in the next paragraph.

The paragraph after the (to me) rhetorical question goes on to elaborate, as the book does in its discussion of the 3rd Step (in which, for the new kids, to paraphrase slightly, we decide to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as each of us understand God) that the best way to deal with fear is through faith.  Reliance on a Higher Power will allow us to "match calamity with serenity."  (As opposed to a reliance on God allowing me to avoid calamity altogether, a mistaken assumption that can sneak in around the corners sometimes.)

Following that is a paragraph which talks about how we don't need to apologize for having faith, and suggests that over the course of human history people of faith have been able to find courage and make powerful demonstrations of how reliance upon God can dispel fear.  At the end of this is (to me) the final instruction specific to the Fear Inventory.  It says:  "We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be.  At once, we commence to outgrow fear."

I love that line, since I am a big fan of immediate gratification.  "At once, we commence to outgrow fear."  Outgrow is not the same as being totally, instantly free from, but it sure as hell is moving in the right direction. 

So how I do the Fear inventory today is pretty simple, since I don't view the business about asking why we have our fears as an instruction to sort things into subsequent columns -- though I've done that over the years, and it can be quite illuminating.  As you point out in your email, SV, much of the different 4th Step guides seem to vary in interpretation more than anything else.

I take what the Big Book says at face value, and just write, "Fear Inventory" across the top of the page, and then I literally list my fears down the page.  I give myself free reign to be repetitive, or very specific, or very general.  Once I get going I enjoy it, actually.  In the past it has looked something like this:

Fear Inventory

I'm afraid I sound stupid.
I'm afraid I'll be alone forever.
I'm afraid of dying so horribly that they will need to use my dental records to identify me.
I'm afraid I say the wrong thing a lot.
I'm afraid I'll never make anything of myself.
I'm afraid a parasite will eat my brain.
I'm afraid ...

You get the idea.  Then at the bottom of the page, when I get there, I write, "God, please remove my fear and turn my attention to what you would have me be."  And every time I do that, I actually do commence to outgrow my fear -- which is to say that practically, literally speaking, I begin to feel better about what I've written.

Every time I fill a page I write the request to God to remove the fears.

My dead sponsor used to suggest to me it might be helpful, once I've written however many pages come pouring out of me on this, to go back and sort my fears into survival fears and ego fears.  That's not from the Big Book, that was just his clever way of pointing out to me (again and again) how the overwhelming majority of my fears are rooted in ego.  Doing that is now my habit, and I find it very helpful. 

Breaking my fears down into specific needs and motivations (fear of not getting what I want, or losing what I've got, etc.) can really illuminate patterns I didn't know I had, and greater self examination will always bring powerful results.  But for me, though, they're all different branches on the same tree of self-reliance, and I can just chalk the "why I have them" up to a lack of trust in God, the Universe and The Great Whatever (as the Big Book explains).

I find the simplicity of making the list and asking for God's help at the bottom of each page -- or just the one page, if that's all I write -- a powerful way to do it, rather than be too cerebral in the examination of this core, corrosive, inevitable human emotion.

But I cannot stress strongly enough that any and all of those Inventory guides out there in the world are useful, as anything that assists in the process of being "searching and throrough" when writing an inventory has got to be a good thing, right?

Whew! I felt I had to include the context in my answer or I wouldn't have been clear, so while that might have been some information you already know, and is no doubt a lot more than you were looking for, that's "how I do my Fear Inventory." I thank you for writing, and I hope to hear from you again!

And good luck (good luck? sure, why not) on your Inventory-ing!

Cheers!

Willingness and How To Develop an Open Mind -- which can then help you develop willingness.

In the book "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" (commonly referred to as the 12&12), it states on pg. 40, in the essay about the 3rd Step:

"... it appears that there are certain things which only the individual can do.  All by himself, and in the light of his own circumstances, he needs to develop the quality of willingness." 

A good sponsor can help motivate you, but motivation just makes being willing easier -- I would suggest that it is not actually willingness itself.

I have to say, on this point the 12&12 just sort of leaves you hanging -- so many other places in AA literature offer clear cut instructions as to not only what needs to be done (as in this particular case, the need for the individual to become willing) but also how to do it.

Involving the help of a Higher Power -- whatever that may mean to you -- is likely a critical component in this process -- and the discussion of the 3rd Step in the 12&12 is all about giving yourself over in that way.  But in reading this essay recently with someone, when we got to this paragraph they asked the very pointed question, "how, then, if I'm supposed to do it all on my own, am I supposed to 'develop the quality of willingness?'"

I started to make a flip answer along the lines of, "Well, you need to start doing things differently.  If you want different feelings you have to take different actions."  And yes, that's true -- very true, in fact.  To put it in Fischer Price terms, healthy actions bring healthy thoughts and feelings, sick actions ... you get it.

And over the years I've heard this truism expressed in a number of ways:  "Esteemable acts bring self esteem" is one of my favorites, for example.  You might even extrapolate this point out to a cornerstone of how AA itself heals me.  As I've both heard and shared in meetings, I have never been able to substantively change my thinking with other thoughts -- I've only been able to change my thinking with actions.  In fact, trying to change my problem thinking with more thinking is trying to use the problem to fix the problem -- not generally a successful strategy.

But it struck me that in some ways the willingness to do something often sort of precedes the new action.  And from what we just read in the 12&12, it sort of felt like the literature was, in this passage anyway, saying, "Ok, kid, this part is key.  Critical!  But you're on your own.  Good luck with that!"

So I gave it some thought, and sipped my coffee (ah, caffeine, boon to my inspiration!)

I think that for me, developing the quality of willingness has been predicated on developing an open mind.  I have to sort of be open to the idea that this new thing/behavior is going to work, before I become willing to give it a go.  It's not wholly a mental exercise of course, there is a "just do it" element, an "if you want what we've got, do what we did" thread running through this when we're new to AA.  But still, for me, an open mind has I think been hand-in-hand with my willingness.

Now, the good news is, developing an open mind is actually really easy.  There's only one word I've ever needed to do so, and even if I use the word grudgingly, or dripping with scorn, or laced with sarcasm, it still seems to work.

The word is:  Maybe.

If I try to embrace that word, however falteringly, it can allow a slender, needle-thin shaft of light to penetrate the tightly shuttered darkness of my closed mind.  (Oooh, how writerly!  Metaphors. Images. Fancy!)

Embarrassingly, in those times in my head, it can look like this:

Maybe I'll feel a little better if I try -- God knows, I couldn't feel much worse.

Maybe this won't completely suck.

Maybe at least one thing here can help me.

Maybe one of these people will say something useful.

(In that last one, the word "people" is not the word I probably used.)

If I can get to maybe, I have opened the door a crack.  And once I open the door a crack, I can reach through and grab hold of a tiny piece of willing.

From there, for me, that's how it builds.

My life has been transformed not with blinding white light experiences, although I believe some people have had such things.  No, for me, my life has been transformed most often by these tiny, infinitesimal, almost grudging, shifts in attitude and then eventually, consciousness.

Words shape my thoughts, my thoughts start my actions, then my actions reach back and change my feelings and my thinking.  It's a powerful process, and as with anything powerful, I can use it to help or harm.

But I don't have to be fully motivated at the outset.  When I start, I don't have to believe 100% in the power of this process to change me. 

To begin, I just have to get to "maybe."

Questions via the Internetwork of Computers! More email from Mr. SponsorPants' inbox: Surrender!

I've gotten a few questions lately about AA and the concept of Surrender.  While I like to use the occasional email as a springboard to discuss a topic or idea, rather than put them all into this posting I'll just boil the issues they contained down and keep it simple -- since I had to do that for myself a long time ago when it came to my own confusion about surrender (which was sometimes a mask for a lack of willingness, I believe).  Many thanks to those who wrote in, and I hope this posting is helpful -- I apologize if you were all hot to see your email in its entirety here -- though if you were, you might want to get out more -- no offense, I'm just sayin'...

Three things:

First, if you don't want to surrender, then ... don't.

If you've been reduced to coming to AA meetings but you don't want to surrender, then don't -- keep doing things the way you think they should be done.  Look how well that has worked for you so far!  Keep up the good work! Just keep doing things the way you like until you are completely out of any more of your really great ideas.  Then, if you're still alive, you might try acting on some of AA's ideas instead.

For me, the more difficulty I've had with surrender, the more I think what I wanted was a different result from the same process.  I wanted to not be in trouble, or not suffer (specifically I wanted to not suffer the consequences of my actions or my inactions), but I still wanted to do what I wanted to do.  So in one regard the essence of surrender is that you are willing to do things differently than the way you've been doing them all along.

Second, are you even sure you are clear as to what the word "surrender" means, exactly?  We hear the word surrender and we make an immediate leap to a military context, in which the losing side surrenders -- and the word "losing" is the one that sort of colors the definition.  Consider this:  The side in a military engagement that surrenders does so because if they don't they're going to be wiped out.  When you're losing the war, the choice becomes: Surrender or die.

My friends who wrote me, and anyone who may be reading this who's new to AA or troubled by the concept of surrender, if you are a real alcoholic/addict then I'm afraid I have some tough news for you:

The war is already over, and you lost.  To "struggle" with surrender is to fail to see this fact.

Third, in regards to just exactly how to surrender in AA, that's really quite simple.  Rather than get all tangled up in figuring out what your Higher Power is so you can surrender to it, consider that if the essence of surrender in a spiritual context is to do things differently than the way you've been doing them, then the "differently" part is merely to follow AA's suggestions.

All of them.

The more you do that, the more complete your surrender. 

All people on a spiritual path, be it the 12 Step one outlined in AA, or a path inspired from a different source, struggle with this (though the different paths all seem to wind up going in the same direction eventually.  To put it another way, and borrow from the Buddhist sentiment, there are many paths to the top of the same mountain).

All people struggle with this -- and then struggle all over again with new surrenders as they are called for.  But when you are new to AA, and you are trying to get and stay clean and sober, the essence of surrender is merely to do what AA suggests -- go ahead, and see what happens.

______________________________________________________

And last of all, special to D.A., in a large city in the midwest -- I tried several times to email you back but I got the mailer daemon undeliverable thing, so I'll give you the essence of what I wrote to you below:

I would submit to you that a cult doesn't suggest you surrender, it eventually demands you do so.  Further, a cult has an objective in place that serves the cult alone -- while in my humble experience AA asks that I serve others in general, in all parts of life, not merely serve AA.  And the focus on service tends to move people deeper into the stream of life, not pull them from it.

Finally, as I understand it a cult isolates a person from their family and the world at large, while AA does the opposite  -- in fact, the 12 Steps, if you see them all the way through, will have you contacting people from your whole life (when you're ready to) and rebuilding connections with them via the amends process.

D.A., you used the term "brainwashing." Does AA brainwash people?  I can't speak for others, but as I heard a speaker say at my morning meeting, and as I've heard a number of times over the years, when I showed up in AA my brain needed washing.

Hope that helps, and remember, some people in meetings may seem strident or forceful only because AA is important to them.  When in doubt, look at what the AA brochures and books say -- that's where the Program is spelled out -- everything else, including this blog, I should add, is just someone trying to understand it and help others get and stay sober -- but that might make for some conversations that accidentally sound bossy or strident or like someone is telling you what to do.  That's probably less the case than you fear (though AA has its share of arrogant assholes, just like anyplace else.  As an old sponsor of mine used to joke, this would be a great program if it weren't for all the alcoholics).

Remember, when in doubt, look in the literature.

Finding your way into the moment.

1. Close your eyes.  Keep them closed for the remaining four steps.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Take a deep breath.  No need to be all over-achieving-super-tantric-yogi about it.  Just calmly fill your lungs with air, and let it out.

3. Repeat.

4. Think about what you hear.  No matter where you are when you do this you are awash in an ocean of sound.  Listen.  Begin to really hear all the ambient noise surrounding you.  Start to identify each sound.  Simply breathe and listen.  Hear all the things that you ordinarily screen out or don't notice.  No need to strain, let the sounds come to your ear.

5. When you are completely focused on what you hear you are in the moment.

Mr. SponsorPants' Guide on How To Recognize a Miracle

Ever play a board game with a really little kid?

They change the rules as you play, ignoring some and making up others, to suit their level of understanding and usually to make sure they win.  In this way, small children and alcoholics have a great deal in common.  Their approach to games and our approach to life are pretty much the same.

When people sincerely called something a "miracle" I used to smile indulgently and think to myself that they were a lot like little kids trying to change reality to suit themselves.  (Never mind that there is a world of arrogance hiding behind that.  It has been a slow, gradual journey for me -- even with all the spiritual experiences I've had myself -- not to view a faith in God as either somewhat childlike or a little feeble.  In this way is the human mind a very strange thing -- our ability to hold onto a prejudice that has been directly contradicted by our actual experiences.  I personally have felt a powerful spiritual connection at various times in my life -- yet I can hear someone speak about God and think, "Hmmm, might be a bit soft."  Now, to be fair, there are a lot of crazy people out there talking about God -- a lot of angry, violent, judgmental and fearful people out there talking about God -- and to paraphrase the old saying, if God hates all the same people you do, maybe you should look at that -- so it's not completely judgmental to be on my guard when people start with the godtalk.  But after my own experiences, to still have that same bias which equates faith with a lack of intellect or an inability to deal with reality, is absurd.  Yet there it is. It's not anywhere near as big as it used to be, but it's there, and I cannot wish it away, no matter how hard I've tried.  Not to mention, any alcoholic or drug addict -- pretty much the same thing, I know -- who gets on their high horse about someone else's ability to deal with reality has got a lotta nerve, you know what I mean?)

Looks like my parenthetical statements are getting away from me again.

People in AA love the word miracle.  It's in the literature, people throw it around at meetings a lot -- a common phrase heard in AA is "Don't quit before the miracle."  (When I was new that used to make me crazy -- what if I had a miracle but I didn't recognize it, so I quit anyway?  Or what if I got a sucky miracle?  Do I have to stay if I don't like the miracle I get?  What's the return/exchange policy on miracles, is it linked to the chips, like a receipt or something?  After 30 Days I get a chip but I can only get store credit if I try to return my miracle?)

Over the course of more than 20 years clean and sober (and I'm not big on throwing time around, I'm just trying to offer perspective on what I've seen) and having been to thousands of AA meetings, I have come to this conclusion about Alcoholics Anonymous:

We are in the miracle business.

Consider:

In almost anything, the best predictor of the future is the past.  If an employee isn't very good at their job for the past year they very likely won't be very good at their job for the next year.   If a man beat wife number one and wife number two, it is very likely that he will beat wife number three.  If a dog whines every time you put him in his cage last month, he's probably going to whine every time you put him in his cage this month...  the most reliable predictor of future behavior is past behavior.  Whole industries (Credit, Insurance, etc.) are founded on this dictum.  To see what inevitably will happen again just look at what always happened before.

Except in AA.  We are in the miracle business -- and the proof of it can be found in meeting after meeting, room after room, year after year, the people who over and over and over again drank, relapsed, couldn't be trusted, fucked everything up ... suddenly ... don't.

We're in the miracle business because we make 'em ourselves.  We create our own miracles -- we have a recipe for it, in fact.

It's the miracle of being free of the past -- my past is not my future, and if it is true for me it can be true for you, no matter who you are reading this right now -- we are free of the compulsive pattern of self destruction, free of the crushing weight of a history of relapse, free of the desperate drive to obliterate our consciousness and to flee in terror from reality, responsibility and intimacy.

And this freedom -- this miraculous transformation -- is available to anyone who wants it who comes to AA.

Just as by following the laws of physics it is possible to plug into physical energy -- electricity, fusion, etc. -- AA has a guide to following spiritual laws that allow us to plug into a spiritual energy -- and that energy powers profound and, yes, miraculous, changes in ourselves.

So the "How To" part of How To Recognize a Miracle is merely to go to an AA meeting, look around and take stock of the real, substantive and profound transformations you see around you -- these are people who's desperate and painful past is no longer the grim promise of a desperate and painful future.

And if you choose to stay, and with all your available will follow what AA suggests (all of it -- there is a reason the Big Book says "...we beg of you to be searching and thorough from the very start." -- BB pg. 58) then eventually to recognize a miracle all you'll have to do is look in the mirror.

Mr. SponsorPants' Guide on How To Not Regret the Past Nor Wish to Shut the Door On It

Imagine you were speaking with someone who is in a wheelchair.  You ask them what's on their mind, and they say, "Oh, I was just wishing I'd, you know, played professional soccer when I was in my teens and twenties."

"Oh, could you ... I mean, I don't want to be rude, but could you walk then?" you ask.

"Hmmm? Oh, no." they answer, "I haven't been able to walk since I was about ... oh, ten years old, I guess. But I can't help regretting that I didn't play soccer.  Imagine where I'd be in my life today if I'd started playing soccer when I was a kid, and got to play professionally for ten years or so.  They have great careers, you know.  Soccer players, I mean."

"Ummm. Yeah."  You agree politely, a little at a loss for what else to say.

It's sad that someone can't walk.  Tragic, wouldn't be too dramatic a label to put on it.  Wishing things had been different, feeling sorrow that certain choices weren't available... that's sorrow.  That's a part of the human experience.

Wishing you'd made different choices than the ones you've made -- that's regret, and it is something else entirely -- and wishing you'd made choices you actually couldn't have made -- that you literally were not capable of making?  That's pointless regret.  With maybe a tinge of self obsession around the edges.

It is certainly sad that someone who's been in a wheelchair most of their life didn't get to play soccer -- but it's not something to regret in the true sense of the word -- it's not that they didn't choose to follow that dream -- they couldn't choose to.

Being an alcoholic is a little like being in a spiritual wheelchair.  Because of your (medical) condition, certain choices -- or the ability to make better choices -- just wasn't available to you.  You were not capable of making them.

So... being sad sometimes that you got dealt the alcoholic card?

Ok.  Understandable on occasion.

Feeling sorrow over the alcoholism in your family?

Human.  Families that have alcoholism running through them have a lot of problems -- and those problems make other problems, most of the time.

Wishing you had or hadn't done this or that?  Regret -- and one thing for me to remember when I feel myself sliding slowly into regret is that alcoholism isn't a moral issue.  It's a medical one.  If at any point I could have done better I would have.  That is not an excuse -- it's an explanation.  Does an epileptic choose to have a seizure?  No. They can choose whether or not to take their medication and do what's necessary to prevent the onset of an episode, but they don't "choose" to have a seizure.  Their medical condition drives events -- and left untreated they will indeed eventually have an episode.  So too with alcoholism.  I have a medical condition, diagnosed as alcoholism, and left untreated I will most definitely have an alcoholic episode -- except instead of uncontrollable seizures I suffer from uncontrollable drinking (coupled with bouts of profound self obsession, warped ego and crippled self esteem -- just for starters.  Fun! Let's party.)

An explanation that brings us to ... Mr. Sponsorpants' Guide on How To Not Regret the Past Nor Wish to Shut the Door On It:

1.  Alcoholism is a medical issue.  It is a disease that impacts thinking and decision making, impedes the formation of healthy habits and honest relationships, and is often accompanied by deep and paralyzing fear, which may drive someone to either hide from the world or lash out at it.

And you wonder why you didn't do so well in college?  Please.  Boo hoo, I wish I'd been a better student.  (Or, the reverse, the driven alcoholic, who would stop at nothing to achieve their goal).  Sob sob, my family deserved a better mother/father/son/daughter/sister/brother.  Yes, you're probably right -- they did.  But it's not a case of the fact that you wouldn't be a better whatever, it's that you couldn't.  Get that clear in your mind and you begin to be free of regret.  (Oh, and this does not free you from taking responsibility for the damage you caused, it just explains why you caused the damage you caused.  You're not an asshole, you're an alcoholic -- though I grant you, in the wild they do look a lot alike.)

2. The Big Book, pg. 83:

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.  We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.  We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.  We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace..."

That is the beginning passage of what most people in AA call "the promises."  It is a beautiful and inspiring description of what sobriety can be like, and many people feel that the promises start to happen for them in one way or another very shortly after they stop drinking and start working the Steps ... BUT ...

the phrase "this phase of our development," as in the part you're being painstaking about, refers to the 9th Step of AA's 12 Steps.

For the new kids, thats:

Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

So to be free of regret for the past you need to make amends for what you did.  And an amends is not another bullshit apology, it's making things right.

However, AA doesn't ask you to do anything you're not willing to do... so before you make the amends, you need to become willing to make them, which is actually Step 8.

Really, though, to become willing to make the amends you need to stop doing those things that are ruining you and running you -- you need to change those parts of your character that are defective and cause you to do stuff which requires amends in the first place ... and trying to change those things is Step 7.

But again, AA doesn't ask you to do anything you're not ready to do, so you need to make sure you're entirely ready to change those defective parts of you -- which is actually the foundation of Step 6.

To be clear on what you are going to change, though, you need to run it all by someone else in AA, (hopefully someone who has experience with the process).  Get a "second opinion" on those defects you're searching for and examining, so that if you miss something, or you're not clear on what your defects may be, they can help you find them -- doing that is Step 5.

Naturally if you're going to be clear on what you're sharing with them you need to take a good hard look at yourself first, and a look at your part in things -- maybe organize your thoughts on paper -- so you can then identify the character defects you're busy sharing about and getting ready to change so that you can then go on to become willing to clean up your side of the street (that amends thing) -- and that good hard look at yourself is really Step 4.

No one, however, alcoholic or not, is comfortable with that kind of rigorous self examination -- the only reason to even attempt it is that you're willing to go the distance and do what AA suggests as a plan of recovery.  And being willing to follow AA's suggestions is actually the secret heart of Step 3.

But the only reason anyone would ever be willing to follow AA's suggestions is if they believed that AA could help them -- and believing that AA can help you is Step 2.

Of course, you need to admit to yourself that you actually need help, that you can't deal with this alone -- and that admission is Step 1.

Get it?

Mr. Sponsorpants' Guide to How To Quit Playing God

I never thought I played God.

When I was drinking, and early in my sobriety, I believe I thought that playing God was a function of arrogance and power, and those things certainly didn't have anything to do with me -- I was too busy being the most important piece of shit in the universe, and waffling helplessly with indecision (fear), procrastination (fear), shame (self obsession) and regret (self obsession + fear. Wow! Like the double word score of spiritual sickness!)

So when I first went through the Big Book, and in the passages around the 3rd Step there was a discussion of being ego-centric, self-willed and playing God, again I thought that this was good instruction for the mean people in the world, but it didn't have anything to do with me.  I was a nice guy. A fuck up, but a really nice guy.

By the way, if ordinary people want to play God, that's fine -- probably a challenging way to go through life, virtually a guarantee of cascading frustrations and disappointments, but other than leading to deep unhappiness with the world and its people, it's not really a problem.  But for a recovering alcoholic playing God is a direct impediment to being able to take, and then really live, the 3rd Step of AA -- which, for the new kids, is:

Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

What I didn't understand for a long time is that if I am ego-centric and self-willed I am almost certainly already "playing God."

What is "ego-centric" anyway?  Ego = Me, and centric = centered.

You know, I understand when I type that, the reaction of many people might be a sort of "Well duh, that's obvious" -- but I find that when people throw terms around they can use them correctly in a sentence, but not be clear on their specific meaning. What exactly am I saying when I describe someone as ego-centric?  I need to be clear about what things mean so I can apply the tools of Alcoholics Anonymous to their greatest effect.

Thus an ego-centric person is "Me-centered" -- their life is all about them.  They are the center point of consideration and perception, everything around them is viewed only in the context of how it has to do with them, and they are the most important consideration in any equation.  Certainly alcoholics don't own this dysfunction, but we have absolutely raised it to a fine, high art.

Self-willed is something else entirely.  AA talks about an alcoholic is "an extreme example of self-will run riot."  What the hell? It sounds poetic and dramatic, but what does that mean about me, today, in the 21st Century?  It means that my will, that is my thinking, my direction, my choices in life, are fueled only by self.  Or, to put it in much simpler and more accurate (and more damning) terms, self-will -- and self-will run riot -- means pretty much that I do what I want to do, and I don't do what I don't want to do. Period.  This is a normal stage of development for a three year old.  Not so much for anyone past that age.  Sadly, when it comes to emotional development... oh, do I even have to say it?

So one way I am playing God is when my world view always places me at the center of things and my expectation of life is that I should only have to do what I want to do and never have to do what I don't want to do.

And the "I'm a nice guy" thing?  I wasn't a nice guy -- I was a fearful, manipulative guy.

I remember one time a friend of mine and I were working as the doormen/bouncers at a local bar.  (We were sober at the time, already in AA a couple of years, and what the hell we were doing working in a bar is a story for another time.  These posts get away from me enough as it is.)  End of a long weekend it was past last call, and I was supposed to go around to all of the patrons and tell them it was time to leave (they'd already turned up the lights, but that didn't do the trick -- it had literally been a long weekend -- Labor Day, Memorial Day, one of those -- and the last people in the bar were the locals, and as such they were very entitled and very smashed.)  So, nice guy that I was, I went from table to table and in a really polite way thanked them for coming and told them I hoped they'd return but sadly I was afraid it was time to go.  You should have seen me, you would have thought I was running for mayor.

A slurred "fuck off" was pretty much the nicest answer I got, and as I went from table to table, being nicer and nicer as I went, I got madder and madder.  Finally I stormed back to the door and told my friend what assholes all the customers were!  He looked at me for a long moment, took a hit on his cigarette, and then he said something that changed my life.

"Mr. SponsorPants, be nice if you feel nice -- but don't be nice in some sort of fucked up passive-aggressive blackmail exchange where because you were nice first people are supposed to be nice back."

He went on for a bit longer on the point -- he's Irish, and the Irish are not known for using a hundred words if they can use a thousand instead -- but that was the heart of it.

That was the part of the Big Book where it details the ego-centric, manipulative alcoholic which applied to me but that I had never fully understood before (pg. 61, if you want to see me described in all my glory).

For much of my life I was trying to control other people not by being a bully but by being nice.  Now, being nice is... nice.  It's a pretty ok way to move through the world -- but if you're an alcoholic and you're being nice as a passive-aggressive exchange with the expectation that people will now fall into and follow along with the script you're running you're A) trying to run the show and B) setting yourself up for resentments and while we're at it C) playing God -- since if you're trying to run the show you're not really showing a lot of faith that God will.

So... how do you stop all this?  How do you stop playing God?

1.  Consider that every time you think you know how things should be you're playing God.  A key tenant to AA's view of the world is accepting "life on life's terms."  Yes, yes, yes I want my sick friends to be well, I want the good people who suffer to be free of pain and grief, I want the heroes to be rewarded and the villains to be punished and mend their ways... wanting what you think is nice or right is fine -- thinking you know how things "should" be is one slight but important and spiritually sick notch above that.

2. "Thy will be done."  Repeat that phrase a lot -- better yet, find a phrase that works for you.  "You're the boss, God."  "Looks crazy to me, but you've got a plan, God."  "Ok God, you're driving, I'm just along for the ride."  Or any variation will do.  In many places in the AA literature it talks about the idea that you don't have to do these things word-for-word, it's the spirit that counts -- the spirit and your willingness.  So when, in my secret heart, I pray that my sick friends be struck well, I add at the end of the prayer "Thy will be done" -- not as a sort of "giving up" or negating my wish and prayer, but to acknowledge that things are as God would have them, regardless of how they might look to me.

3.  Stop trying to control the result.  My job after I do the 3rd Step is the process -- not the result.  To try to put that in real world practical terms, my part, the process, when going on a job interview for example, is to show up early, make sure my shirt is ironed, that my resume looks good and is free or errors, answer the questions honestly, thank the people for taking the time to meet with me... that's the process.  The result, whether or not I get the job -- that's God's part.  Hoping I get a result is a normal part of the human spirit -- but anything much beyond hope and I'm usually sliding towards playing God again.  Trusting (or trying to trust) that things will work out as they should, for my greater good in the long run -- that's how, in a situation like that, I stop playing God.

I had a job one time where I had a lot of autonomy, and I developed many different projects.  As part of the gig I would regularly bring the projects to my boss to keep him up to date as to what I was doing.  AA and the Steps give us an amazing ability to observe ourselves, so as I would bring him my projects I observed how I handled this "exchange with authority" -- he was my boss after all.

On days when I was more spiritually fit I would bring him something for review and I would ask, in essence, "Is this ok?"  On days when my alcoholism was slithering around like a snake in my belly and I was more fearful, I would bring him something and say, "This is ok, isn't it?"

Look at those two:

Is this ok?

This is ok, isn't it?

The former is just asking, the latter is an expectation wrapped in a manipulation.

When I manipulate I'm back to trying to run the show -- and if I'm trying to run the show, then I'm trying to play God.

It's exhausting, and frustrating -- but when you finally let it go, and work on staying free of it, your 3rd Step -- and all of your recovery -- will be a powerful and peaceful thing.

At least that's been my experience, mostly.

Cheers!