Mr. SponsorPants

every hour or two I need some or I start feeling sick...

 

From the comments section earlier this week:

I was wondering... I want to get sober but for many reasons treatment is not an option right now. I drink so heavily (every hour or two I need a some or I start feeling sick) that I'm afraid I may have a seizure if I quit cold turkey or too fast. Do you know if there's any way I can safely detox on my own? Do you have any tips for that?

Anonymous

 

Dear Anonymous,

You are right.  You likely will have a seizure and/or suffer other dangerous, potentially life-threatening symptoms if, as you describe, you drink every hour or two and you cold-turkey it on your own.  (A level of alcohol intake which is perfectly plausible to someone like me, by the way.)

All I can offer you are these few thoughts:

With that level of alcohol intake you must have a medically supervised detox.  Your life is at stake.  So whatever "many reasons" there may be right now, what you are saying is that those reasons are more important than you continuing to live.  Your imminent death is second to whatever reasons are preventing you from seeking out some sort of medically supervised detox.

I urge you to consider that no matter what those reasons are, they are not more important than your life. 

Also, please consider that because you are drinking as much as you are your ability to assess how important those reasons are may be badly out of whack.

If the "reasons" are primarily financial, then perhaps this link will help:

 

http://www.ncadd.org/ 

 

That is the web site for the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence.

On their site you will see, on the top left, in purple, a "Get Help" clickable section tab.  Within it are ways to find local resources, and good advice (including, which might be right for you, the suggestion to go to a hospital emergency room).  I have very little direct experience with the NCADD, just one good interaction when I was very, very newly sober, but they might be a way to find a low or no-cost medically supervised detox if the barrier to treatment is a financial one.

And if the barrier is not financial... then whatever other reasons you may have which prevent you from seeking a treatment facility where you can be safely detoxed are illusions:  Ego, fear, pride, alcoholism -- and/or the chemically altered state of your brain -- working in concert to prevent you from making a healthy decision.

Alcohol in the body of an alcoholic triggers the phenomenon of craving, which keeps us drinking.  Thus it is very, very long odds for a real alcoholic to be able, on their own, to wean themselves off of alcohol.  It is also very dangerous for someone who is drinking to try and use any other medications -- or drugs in general -- on their own, to buffer or blunt the symptoms of alcohol withdrawal.  To speak plainly, bong hits and valium in your own living room is not a safe or smart detox plan.  (Never mind that it's a bit like, as they used to say when I got sober, changing deck chairs on the Titanic.)

You know you are in trouble and you know you need help.  That is clear from the fact that you asked the question you did.

But I'm afraid this is the bottom line: "Safely" and "detox on your own" do not line up together.  To safely detox from intense alcohol intake you need some kind of medical supervision.  It doesn't have to be some grand, weeks long in-patient thing, but for the initial period of separation you need some hands on help.

God will have a hand in this if you ask for spiritual guidance, but to paraphrase what the Big Book says, God filled this world with Doctors and medical practitioners for us to use.

So use them.

 

Good luck, and please, do not delay.

 

 

Questions via Email: Unwanted attention from an "older" (long term sobriety) member

 

Dear Mr. Sponsorpants,

I have been attending AA since late 2010. As of today I am working towards six months of sobriety and the obsession has been lifted. I look forward to AA meetings and attend at least one a day. I am a woman and lately I've been finding myself not going to certain meetings in order to avoid certain men. One in particular. He has long-term sobriety so I thought I could trust him. But when I took a chip recently he bought me jewelery. I accepted the gift in the moment because other people were around, but I have no intention of keeping it and am waiting for a good time to return it - but I don't want to see him in a social situation so it is looking like returning them after a meeting is my only option. I don't know how to do this though. I feel like by taking them I have led him on. My sponsor said just to return them and to tell him that his gift was inappropriate. While that is true, it is easier said than done for me - especially since weeks have gone by. He texts me almost daily (I know - how did he get my number? my sponsor asked the same question. All I can say is that he caught me off guard and in that moment I thought that since he was a respected member, I could trust him) and he waits for me after every meeting to give me a hug. It makes me really uncomfortable - both because what he is doing is completely inappropriate (I'm far too early in my sobriety and he knows that and is likely preying upon it on some level) and because the thought of having to tell him to leave me alone (I've tried just ignoring him, but it hasn't worked) causes me great anxiety. My sponsor has offered to ask one of his friends to speak with him, but I think I have to do it myself. I have a great home group which I am very comfortable at, but I am thinking of trying other meetings around the city simply to avoid this situation (how alcoholic of me!).....any advice would be much appreciated!

 

Thank you for your time,

C.

 

Dear C,

You did a great job outlining a difficult situation, and it sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders.  An alcoholic head, sure, or meetings might not click for you the way they do, but a good one none-the-less.

You already have your answer, C -- and you know it.  And while I do not think God gives us "lessons" like some pinch lipped prarie school marm, I do believe that we are presented with situations which are actually opportunities to do what we need to so we can grow as we're meant to.  So this: "My sponsor has offered to ask one of his friends to speak with him, but I think I have to do it myself" positively shouts to me that the Little Voice inside we all strive to tune in to is, in this case, being received loud and clear by you.

I have some specific suggestions (of course!) and some things you might want to consider (don't I always!).

This guy is in the wrong.  What he is doing is absolutely not good AA -- bad for you -- and terrible for him  Ultimately the harm he does himself in this is far greater -- but there's no fool like an old fool.  In no way am I minimizing your uncomfortability or what is clearly a level of attention that has mixed and murky motives, but it's worth reminding ourselves that people can be chatty and social on the outside and very lonely inside.  While it's possible for any person to be blind to their real motives, alcoholics are especially skilled at "hiding a bad motive under a good one" as it says in the 12&12 -- and quite often hiding them from ourselves, first.  Life is rarely a Lifetime movie, and one sorry, besotted old fool does not a full-on stalker/predator make.  (Yes, I know it could make one.  But that doesn't mean it will make one.)

So if you try and bring some compassion to bear in how you view him and what he's doing -- and this is NOT an excuse for him, merely something to consider -- seeing these actions as born of loneliness and fear might help you in speaking up to him and drawing some boundaries.  I understand fear because I have dealt with it so much -- thus, when I need to deal with someone who at first makes me uncomfortable, if I can identify what about their behavior is driven by their fear, it makes approaching them a little easier, as they go from kind of scary-bad to a little sorry-sad.

I don't see any error on your part when it comes to him having your phone number or you not being quick to return his gift.  Dear God, girl, you're a walking miracle, in the beginning of your sobriety, going to meetings and trying to build a foundation in recovery!  A little foot dragging on something that would be difficult for anyone to handle is completely natural.

But... now you are clear in what you need to do.  You need to return the gift and tell him that the level of attention he is showing you is not okay with you.

The time for the dragging of the feet is over.

So you bring the jewelery to the meeting and tell him you need to speak to him.  No more dithering about when you're going to do it or how to meet him.  Part of the problem is he's around more than you want.  Meeting him is hardly the issue.

You return the gift and you say "Thank you, but I cannot and I will not accept this gift.  It is too much and I am not at all comfortable keeping it."  Rehearse it a couple of times so you can say it with some force.  Gentle force, but force.  No err or um between the words and no apology in your tone.  When he tries to insist you keep it just play the  broken record and repeat it until he "gets" it.  And if he doesn't, then set the gift on a chair or table and let it go.  If it becomes a game of "I won't take it so you have to keep it" just opt out, and set it down.

And now comes the leap of faith.  One of the best things I learned in AA was that the truth will protect you.

So tell him the truth.

"I'm not comfortable with the amount of attention you're giving me.  All the texts, all the waiting for me after meetings -- it's starting to affect my comfortability in the rooms.  I know the hand of AA will always be there for me, but as far as 12th step work goes, I need it to be a woman's hand for right now."

Yes, you feel anxiety over saying this, but it will be fantastic for you if you take a deep breath and do it.

You don't have to do it alone.  Ask your sponsor to be there, as quiet support, if you like -- or some other gal in the rooms.  Ask them to let you be the one talking, you're not asking them to speak for you, just to be there -- or nearby even -- as moral support. 

And, as they told me when facing a scary situation, bring God with you.  God will give you the words and handle this interaction if you invite God into it.  Remember, this guy has a Higher Power too.  He may be embarrassed or angry or confused.  He might feel this way or that.  None of that is your problem.  This is your opportunity, not your lesson and not your problem:  To speak up for yourself in an environment which it is safe to do so and with ready support at hand. 

Just because AA's can be a huggy group doesn't mean you are required to hug everyone -- or anyone.  Just hold up one hand when someone comes in to give you a hug and say "wait.  I'm in a handshaking place today." 

If some people are offended or give you flack, that's on them.  Most people will not.  And you can hug some and not others. 

Claim your Home Group, claim your meeting, as yours.  (Not yours exclusively, obviously, but yours for sure.)

There will be some anxiety.  Some awkwardness at times for a bit, too.

But your sobriety, your life, is more important than his -- or anyone's -- feelings.

You can do this with grace and do this well.  It's the right thing for you to do, and his unwanted attention has in some ways made him a great spiritual teacher for you.

C., if you can stay sober for as many days as you have then there is nothing in this you can't handle.  You don't have to rely on your own power -- just rely on your Higher Power and all will go as it should.

Faith.  Courage -- I know it's a lot easier for me to rattle these things off than it is to look someone in the eye and say them, but you can do it.

Good luck, and please, by all means, let me know how it goes.

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

 

 

 

Questions via Email: dead soon if I don't stop

 

 

Hi

I have been in and out of AA so many times I can’t stand it.  Been in [a number of] treatment centers, gotten [a number of] dui’s, lost everything many times.  Still can’t stop drinking.  Don’t understand why I just can’t stop and surrender to the program.  I do for a few weeks then something comes over me and I am right back out.

 

What is wrong with me?

 

-dead soon if I don’t stop.

 

The book "Alcoholics Anonymous" (AA's Big Book) is rich with language to describe addiction and what you are going through: Words like baffling... heartbreaking... in fact, it calls this the "heartbreaking riddle" -- and in reading your brief, poignant and desperate email I cannot but feel that phrase is a perfect expression of this terrible cycle.

The internet has allowed you and I, through it's strange combination of intimacy and anonymity, to reach out to each other.  As such, given both the specific and general nature of your email, what I am moved to do is offer you questions to consider, rather than write some passionate plea about things you've maybe heard countless times in rehabs and meetings.  I want to offer you the best I can in trying to help -- I hope and pray something in these questions triggers an insight which can be the first domino in a chain of thoughts and actions which knocks your relapse cycle on its ass.

Before I do, remember this:  Sometimes a cancer is so virulent that it takes many applications of a medicine for it to be arrested.  Addiction is a disease.  There is nothing "wrong" with you.  You have a disease which corrupts your thinking and triggers this cycle.  I use the cancer analogy a lot lately, and I believe now it is more apt than ever.  Addiction is like a cancer of the mind.  If cancer in the body is cell growth out of control, then addiction is the cancer of our thinking; certain thoughts grow out of control, until they eclipse all others.  So it's not a question of you not "getting it" it's a question of you seeking the place where your disease trumps the medicine, and working to ward against that.

Some, all or none may apply.  It is my deep hope one of them helps you shine a light on this relapse mechanism -- because you are right.  It will kill you.

 

Consider what might help and ignore the rest:

Do you have a secret?

Some of the people I know who have not been able to stay sober had terrible secrets which seemed to prevent them from fully surrendering to their recovery.  Sometimes these things are deep down, and may not be in our thoughts every day, but still exert a pull on us, so that after we get clean, and feel raw from doing life un-buffered, we are vulnerable to using again.  Is it possible you have a secret which you're carrying around, and which is working against your staying sober?

 

Do you have an "outside issue?"

I am speaking in medical terms now.  Addicts are difficult to diagnose since we present with so many different kinds of symptoms.  Sometimes we are undiagnosed, and our drinking and using is an attempt to self-medicate not just our addiction, but something else.  Sometimes we are over-diagnosed, and have many medications which we are sloppy about taking or combine in ways we shouldn't or... or... or.  If you're playing a game with meds, that's not going to help you get and stay sober.  Regardless, if you are taking medicine as prescribed by a qualified medical professional DO NOT STOP TAKING IT.  Outside issues need outside help, only you can be honest with yourself and say whether you are using or abusing any medicine you're prescribed.  And if you have a family history of certain medical conditions, i.e., bi-polar disorder, manic depression, etc., you need competent, qualified medical assistance in dealing with those conditions in addition to dealing with your addiciton.

 

Have you come to believe that AA won't work for you?

One of the most terrible things about a relapse cycle is you look around and see others "getting it," and you try everything AA suggests and yet it feels like it doesn't work for you, and you begin to fear that while AA works for everybody else, you're too broken and damaged and it never will in your case.  But here's the thing -- and this is NOT an accusation -- is it possible you've been inconsistent in what you're tried?  If I go to the gym for a couple of weeks, but leave the spin class early, and skip out on a couple of appointments with my trainer, and then become discouraged and give up, I'm able to sit at home and say to myself that I tried going to the gym but it didn't work for me.  This is NOT a moral issue.  Trying all of AA's suggestions is counter to a lot of our thinking and nature, and there can be a lot of factors working on us to phone it in or plain opt out.  So you might have come to believe that AA won't work for you by only taking a half dose of the AA medicine.  Reading that might make you want to scream and tear your hair out.  "I've tried!  I've tried and tried!"  If you have, you have.  But with your life on the line it's worth sitting back down and looking over what "tried" looks like, objectively.  Again, I'm not impuning what you've done so far, just suggesting you look at the dosage on your AA medicine.

 

Are you listening to the wrong person?

Is there someone close to you in your life who undermines your sobriety?

 

Are you unwilling to do things differently?

On a very basic level AA works for me because I decided to do what AA suggested, and not what I wanted to do, no matter how mad, bad, sad, ugly, pretty, horny, scared, entitled, tired or -- most dangerous of all -- bored, I felt.  I always have a really good reason for doing what I want to do.  It was a great lightbulb for me to understand that willingness is not the same as "want to" -- I kept waiting to "want to" do what AA suggested, when really it was much more the truth that I didn't want to feel bad, so I did what AA suggested until I felt better, and then I went back to doing what I wanted.  I want the result, sobriety, without doing the process, which in this case equals not doing things my way.  Willingness, for me, means that I'll do what I don't want to do, one day at a time, whether I feel like it, or think I need it, or not.  You say in your email "... why I just can't stop and surrender to the program..."  Perhaps that's a telling clue for you to look at regarding how you approach this, because in my experience it works better the other way around:  If you surrender to the Program, then you'll find Grace and can stop.

 

What's going on with your sharing?

Don't think that relapsing, or only having a few weeks sober, means you have nothing to offer.  NOTHING could be farther from the truth.  Your experience of relapse, and what happens to you before you go out, and your ability to keep coming back, is INVALUABLE and can save lives, if you share it.  But you have to share it.  And sharing it, while maybe uncomfortable, will help you begin to change any self-judgment you have into self-acceptance -- though for most of us that's a gradual process which takes a while.

 

Are you being of service?

God, I'm so worried by this point in my questions it sounds like some litany of lack, like I'm playing at being subtly accusatory regarding what you're not doing.  That's not what I want to do at all -- but you say "something comes over you" and I have heard similar things from others over the years.  While it can be very useful to deconstruct what that "something" is, the deconstruction is a mental exercise, and to stay sober it's about action.  Service will save your life.  "We work out our solution on the altruistic plane" is what the Big Book says.  More than just setting up chairs -- though that's a great thing if you choose to take the commitment seriously, and show up for it drunk or sober, happy or sad, feeling like it or not -- service to other addicts in recovery can make all the difference, be it giving rides to meetings, calling to see how someone having a hard time is doing, being a "phone buddy" to someone else who's new, volunteering to be on a panel which goes into hospitals and jails and telling your story, offering to help at one of those rehabs you went to... something.  Anything.  The more you are of service the better your chance to thwart the "something" you describe as coming over you, as it tries to take you back out.

 

Believe me when I tell you this:  Just today I met with someone who's more than ten years sober who took years to get it.  I talked on the phone with someone who used to live in Central Park, covered in wine sores, who had a terrible, horrible time for years in AA when they tried to get sober, who is now literally "happy, joyous and free," at the top of his profession, in a great relationship and sober many years now.  I have sponsored -- and sponsor -- people who have not been able to stay sober in terms of years, but continue to get better and continue to come back, with long amounts of sober time filling their lives.  AA works, if you stay and keep trying.  The voice in your head that tells you it's not working, it won't work, you can't do it... that's not the voice to listen to.  Listen instead to the voices outside your head, the one's in meetings, who understand and want to help.

 

Thank you for writing, and I hope one or more of those questions might spark some light to pierce the fog which shrouds your thinking before you pick up a drink again.

You are not alone, though it may feel like it.

You are not without help, even if you feel helpless, or hopeless.

You are not doomed to die drunk, no matter what your fear and your alcoholism tells you.  You're not.

If you don't believe that today, believe that I do, and borrow some of mine, since I believe it with all my heart.

Pray and breathe.

Read the Big Book.  Go to 90 meetings in 90 days.  Call three other alcoholics every day.  Get a sponsor and be open to their direction.  So what if you tried it before and you think it didn't work -- you're alive today, so it can work today.  Many applications of the medicine may be required for it to take, remember?  Just take it one day at a time.  Your past is not your future; every sober person is living proof of that.

Good luck, and please keep coming back.

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

Questions via Email: Part 2 - The Steps seem strange to a logical thinker

 

From J's question yesterday:

"These Steps seem so strange to a logical thinker like myself.  Can you share anything that might help me?"

 

Well J, there's much discussion in Chapter 4 of the Big Book titled "We Agnostics" about logic and faith, but let's address instead the very specific problem you describe:  A rational reluctance to the 12 Steps.

Frankly my friend I suspect, for whatever reason, you're probably over thinking it.

I have found that considering the first 3 Steps with slightly different wording can help people experience them with fewer filters.  I am NOT trying to reinvent the 12 Steps (for me they are perfect as is).  This is simply how I first found a way to embrace Steps 1, 2 and 3:

 There's something wrong with my drinking and it's fucking up my life, and although I keep telling myself I'm going to get it together I just keep... not getting it together. 

And things keep getting worse.

It's actually crazy that on the one hand I want so very badly to get it together and then on the other hand I just... don't care.  Or I just change my mind.  Or I forget. 

But I believe there's something in AA that can help me.

So I'm going to do what AA suggests -- all of it.

 

That's it, basically.  I admit I have a problem I can't solve on my own. It's getting worse.  I think AA can help, so I'll do the AA deal.  Steps 1, 2 and 3.

Actually, if you want to deconstruct the Steps from a logic standpoint -- and the Big Book too, for that matter -- that's pretty much the rhythm of the whole thing:  Problem.  Solution.  Plan of Action.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

(And as far as the above is concerned, I could define "wrong" pretty clinically, but I think if you're really a problem drinker you get how right the word "wrong" is. )

As for the rest of the 12 Steps, I'm going to suggest to you, J, something that I heard in maybe my first week of sobriety, and it served me well:

Balk at the Step you're on.

Don't get your kippers in a clip about all the rest.  If you have had a problem getting and staying sober, then in my humble opinion you are best served by focusing on the first three steps, and the timing for the others will fall into place pretty gracefully after that.

As I said before, I can tell from your email you have a great attitude and you're willing -- keep those fires stoked, keep an open mind, and keep coming back.

 

Mr. SponsorPants

Questions via Email: Part 1 - How do you make the group your "Higher Power?"

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

After [more than 25] years of drinking, I have been attending AA since [last fall] but other than [a couple of weeks over the holidays] I have not been sober consecutively. I am currently [in my first week]. I really struggle with this higher power concept. I know that I can use the group, but really, how do you turn your life and will over to a group of people. I like the meetings and doubt that I could get sober alone, but these steps seem so strange to a logical thinker like myself. Can you share anything that might help me?

J

 

Dear J,

Remember, what defines the quality of someone's recovery is not that they drank, or drank more than once, it is that they got sober again.  We each have today, and being sober today is your miracle and your triumph.  I can tell from your email you're willing and you have a great attitude -- the only two things you have to manage on your own -- so I have absolutely no doubt if you stick close you'll make it.

But your questions are good ones, and not the first (and certainly not the last) I'll hear them either on the blog or in person, so I'm very glad you brought them up.

They're so good in fact, I'm gonna make you a two-parter.

First one first:  How do you turn your life and will over to a group of people?  Or, to refine that a bit, how do you make an AA group your Higher Power?

To best answer that, I need to show you some things.  Take my hand, we're going to travel through Time and Space for a few minutes.  Ready?

**BAMF!**

J:  Where are we?

Mr. SP: Ummm, my aim isn't as precise as I like but if I ...

looks up at the night sky, checks the constellations

Mr. SP:  Yes, this is roughly the early 1800's, and we're somewhere in Texas.  See that old guy over there?

J:  By the campfire? 

Mr. SP:  Yes.  He's got something to tell us.

J and Mr. SP wander over.

Old Guy by the Campfire:  If you need space by the fire, I can share.

Mr. SP:  Thank you kindly.

Old Guy by the Campfire:  You two look a might new at this.  Remember, if you get up in the middle of the night to take a pee, shake out your bedroll before you get back into it.

J:  How come?

Old Guy:  Scorpions.  They crawl in when you get up, attracted by how warm and toasty you left the blankets.

Mr. SP:  Thanks, we've got to get going though.

Old Guy:  Suit yourselves.

**BAMF**

J: Holy...

Mr. SP:  Speak up, I can't hear you over the engines!

J:  Where...?

Mr. SP:  We're in a plane over France in... if I got it right, 1942...

J:  What the hell...?

Mr. SP:  Hang on, we need to listen to this guy...

Points to airman in camo and blackface

Airman:  I've done a hundred jumps, and you guys are new, right?  Remember, after you jump...

J:  We're going to jump?

Airman:  Pay attention!  After you get your 'chute on, we'll do some recon over the landing site and you can jump when we see the signal.  No matter how fast you think you're falling, make sure you do a slow count to 20 before you pull the ripcord... otherwise, your 'chute might tangle in the props, got it?

Mr. SP and J nod.

Mr. SP:  Got it. Uh, I mean, Got it, Sir!

**BAMF!**

J:  This is getting... where are we now?

Mr. SP:  Florida Keys.  Sometime in the '70's I think.

J:  How do you know it's the '70's if you're not very good at this? 

Mr. SP: All the paisley.

J:  What is this place? 

Mr. SP:  It's a dive school.  Shhh, here's the instructor.

Instructor walks up with a class in various scuba gear

Instructor: ... bends, which is basically when nitrogen bubbles, created by pressure at the depths we'll eventually dive to, enter the liquid in your body, and should you rise towards the surface too quickly will be forced out... very painful and possibly fatal.  What you need to do is rise at a measured pace, via a schedule which...

Mr. SP:  Okay, let's get back.

**BAMF!**

J:  What was the point of all that?

Mr. SP:  Okay, if you'd stayed by the campfire that night, back in the 1800's, and you'd gotten up to pee in the night, would you have followed that Old Guy's advice? 

J:  Well... sure.

Mr. SP:  Why?

J:  Well, he knows what he's talking about... I mean, I've never camped in a bedroll by a fire and he has so...

Mr. SP:  What about the Airman and his slow count instructions?  Would you have done that?

J:  Sure, although I'm not sure how slowly I can count when I'm jumping out of a plane. 

Mr. SP:  Me neither, actually.  But why do you believe him? 

J:  Well... he's like, a trained air force guy.  He said he'd done like a hundred jumps and so, you know, he's... he knows how to do it.  Don't think I can't see where you're going here...

Mr. SP:  Indulge me.  What about the Dive Instructor, if you were in that class, would you follow the formula he was going to lay out to avoid the bends?

J:  Yes.

Mr. SP:  Why?

J:  The bends is painful, I know that without all this rigmarole.

Mr. SP:  So you would make those guys your Higher Power?  Like you'd worship them and stuff?

J:  No, not... not worship them, that sounds weird and creepy.

Mr. SP:  So in those situations you're turning your will and your life over to them -- meaning you'll seek their counsel and follow their suggestions -- because they have experience in how to survive where you find yourself.

J:  Yeah.  Okay, yeah.

Mr. SP:  So it's not really the individual people you're turning your will and your life over to -- it's not specific people, it's their knowledge and experience of how to survive something. That's what you're surrendering to.  It's their experience which is your "Higher Power."

J: ... well... yeah.

Mr. SP:  So that's how you do it then.

J:  Do what?

Mr. SP:  Turn your will and your life over to an AA group.  You find yourself in a position equally fraught with danger and potential for pain and fatality today as you might have been in any of those other scenarios.  Only instead of scorpions and tangled 'chutes and the bends you're facing addiction and fear and ego.  And the people in the meeting have survived those same things... so what they have to tell you has value because it's based on experience -- even if the way some of them say it is colored by their own ego and such.  Just because someone's been sober a while doesn't mean they stop being a work in progress.  If the Diving Instructor turned out to be an unmitigated ass, it wouldn't invalidate the truth of what he was telling you about what the bends are, how they can harm you and what you need to do to avoid them, right?

J:  Yeah, I guess.  Yeah.

Mr. SP:  Same in an AA group.  It's not the people that you're turning your will and your life over to (they're messy and flawed as individuals, and in one way or another they always will be -- the best we get is progress)... it's their practical experience of how to stay sober, and how to apply this recovery and 12 Step information to your life, day in, day out, one day at a time.  That's what you are turning your will and life over to.  So you simply live your daily routine the way AA suggests you do, and when you hit a snag or have a question or a problem, share about it in the group and take in the suggestions which are offered.  Some people might be easier to listen to than others, but on the whole, you'll get good orderly direction.  And God knows, when I was newly sober, that's what I needed.  What my mind came up with as how to handle things was usually NOT a good plan to follow.  The only experience I had to offer myself was how to live a drinking life in active addiction.  I needed to follow the plan laid out by people who had experience NOT doing pretty much the only way I knew how to do anything.  Following their plan, and asking them for input when I was stuck, was how I first "turned my will and my life" over to AA.

J:  Oh.

 

Part 2 tomorrow...

 

 

My real To Do List today:

 

 

1. Don't pick up the first drink.

2. Be honest.

3. Be kind to others.

4. Be gentle with myself.

 

That's it, really.  Everything else, while important in its way, is extra.

 

the different kinds of "help me"

 

 

Sometimes "Help me!" is really "help me keep doing what I'm doing, even though it's really not working for me anymore." (I guess that would be classified as enabling, if you buy into that one).

Sometimes "Help me!" is "help me keep doing what I'm doing, because it's about to work, but I've run out of time/resources."  I guess to do that would actually be helping.

Sometimes "Help me!" is "I don't want to have to do anything to make a change or come up with an answer -- plus if you do it all I can blame you if I don't like it or it doesn't work out."

And sometimes it's "I don't know what to do to make a change, please show me."

 

I know I'm painting with a pretty broad brush here -- it's just struck me lately how sometimes the best way I can help someone -- as a friend, family member or sponsor -- is to stop and consider which of the above might be going on.

Questions via Email: Choosing a sponsor

 

 

First, let me say thank you for the kind words in the comments on Friday's post.  Sentiments like that don't go to your head; they go to your heart -- and mine is full of gratitude. 

Of equal importance, however, is to get confirmation that AA blogging and anonymity can work together without violating the incredibly important spirit of our 12th Tradition.  I thought that was the case -- but here I sit some nights, typing away in the dark (well, there are a few lights on, but they're dim -- more flattering that way) and I am all too aware of how people can justify anything to themselves -- alcoholics especially.  I knew it was possible that I had been kidding myself, or crossed a line once I got rolling, or the like. 

Some few people in my day-to-day life know of the blog now, but asking them is not the best litmus test -- there is no way the blog is ever anonymous to them when they read it now.  It is you, the people reading who don't know me, who can offer the best and most accurate assessment on this topic.  So I am grateful not just for the warmth, but for your insights and candor.

 

And now, let's get back to work, shall we?

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I'm in my first year sober, and after a few slips I feel pretty stable.  I know I better get a sponsor though if I'm going to stay.  I don't think I'm at all reluctant to get a sponsor, I'm just not sure how to choose someone.  I hear stories of people kind of grabbing you and saying "I'm your sponsor!" and that is really not for me.

Any tips?  Whatever you have on the topic would be great.

Sincerely,

Someone's Future Sponsee

 

Dear SFS,

I have two things to congratulate you on!  First is your sobriety:  Go you!  One day at a time, I don't pick up the first drink.  Slips shmips, just live in the fact that today you don't pick up a drink no matter how happy, sad, bored, angry, hungry, horny, lonely, grumpy... wait, I'm about to start naming dwarfs.  You get it.  But rest assured, just because you did relapse doesn't mean you will relapse.  It is not a fore-ordained cycle.  Relapse is not inevitable.  You are sober today.  Full stop.

The other thing I have to congratulate you on is that you are quite possibly the very first alcoholic I have ever met who is not at all reluctant to get a sponsor.

I'm gently teasing, SFS -- what I hear from you is willingness, and that's the one thing you have to bring to the party on your own -- there's help available for everything else.

Let's not over think this, okay?  ("That'll be a first for you, Mr. SponsorPants."  Who said that?  Security!  Security!  Show that troublemaker the door!) 

Here are a few things to remember on choosing a sponsor:

A common description in choosing a sonsor is that you find someone that "you want what they've got."  For me, the best interpretation of this idea is not that you want the details of their life, the "outside" things, as much as it is about some inner qualities someone has that might speak to you.  Now it's fair to say that one's inner life can be reflected to a degree by the shape of the life they've built around them, but in my experience, recovery is measure not by what you drive, but by how you drive it -- I'll do better with someone in an older car who isn't screaming and flipping people off in traffic than I will with someone in a flash car with bad driving manners.  (Doesn't mean that successful people are jerks or "bad" AA's or might not be deeply spiritual in any way though.  And that works in the other direction, too, by the way.  Just because someone's a janitor doesn't mean they're full of warm, folksy wisdom.  Rich = mean/shallow and Poor = spiritual/noble is cheap, simplistic bullshit logic.  I'm only making a rough analogy about looking past the surface when looking for a spiritual guide -- which is ultimately what a sponsor is. )

You're not signing a contract.  You're not trapped by this.  Yes, the idea is that you are willing to take some suggestions offered by your sponsor, but you're not indentured to them.

Just like some people hire a "mean" personal trainer to "make them" work out, some people choose to act on a sponsor's suggestions without question or push-back.  They choose a "tough" sponsor to "make" them work a program.  Nothing wrong with that, but there are many kinds of sponsors, so if that's the example you've seen, rest assured it's only one flavor out of many.  For some sponsor/sponsee combinations trust is gradually established and some breathing room is key.

Your sponsor is a flawed, crazy alcoholic with their own propensity for self obsession, ego and fear.  No one person can be your whole Program.  This can be a great connection and an invaluable sober tool, but it's possible that sometimes your sponsor will just plain be a tool.  So manage your expectations of the poor mortals around you.  If you're waiting to find the "perfect" person you'll never find a sponsor.  You can find the perfect sponsor for you -- but what will probably make them that is how they handle their imperfections.

You don't have to ask someone to be your sponsor to start calling them and asking for help, or talking to them about something that is troubling you, or discussing something from AA you want input on.  It's not about the label as much as it is the dialog and the example. 

Your sponsor is not doing you a favor -- by asking them to sponsor you, you are helping them to practice the 12th Step, and thereby stay sober -- they are sponsoring you so that they stay sober as much as to help you with your sobriety.  So there is no debt, ever.

I guess the best sponsors for me are someone that I respect enough to want their thoughts on something and I'm willing to try what they suggest, but not that I'm intimidated by or scared of, so that I will be afraid to be honest with them for fear of looking bad or "getting in trouble."  (Even though you can't, really -- that's just baggage we all bring to the sponsor party.)  When I was new, though, I was a little afraid or intimidated by just about everyone, so that part was kinda tricky.

Don't get hung up on how much time someone has.  If the right person to sponsor you has two years sober -- or even one -- that's great.  Time sober has NOTHING to do with what might make someone the right sponsor for you.

Finally, maybe give yourself a tentative deadline.  No big pressure thing, but if I don't have a deadline on something like this then I'm just always "going to" do it, but I might never actually get into action...

 

Hope some of that was helpful.  Write back and let me know how it went.

Cheers!

Mr. SP

 

 

 

on the way to offering suggestions

 

On the way to offering suggestions, it's a good idea to pause for a moment and confirm to the person you're trying to help that you actually heard them when they shared their troubles with you.

Nothing opens people's ears and minds so much as the feeling that their frustrations, their fears and their problems were really heard.

Or rather, I suppose it's maybe more accurate to say that nothing makes an alcoholic shut down faster than feeling like they haven't been heard and (more importantly) understood.  You don't have to agree with what they've said, but if you want to offer real assistance, it helps to affirm that you were listening and that you "got it."

Otherwise, the very suggestions you want to offer, the very aid you're attempting to render, can seem more like an argument than an assist, emotionally speaking

(And if after you try to share what's going on with someone you walk away feeling a kind of low-grade frustration -- even if they offered good advice -- it might be that after you poured out what was troubling you that you didn't actually feel like they really heard you.  Now, that may be a lack of perception on your part, not a failing on theirs -- what frustrated you is the more important thing to see -- it's a whole other question to consider as to whether your radio wasn't tuned to their signal, or they were broadcasting on the wrong frequency).

If someone says, "I'm unhappy" and the first response they get is, "have you tried a gratitude list?" it can seem like their feelings are being disregarded -- or disrespected.  Even if they're the most selfish and entitled person on earth (and if you come to meetings long enough, well... you might meet them -- after all, none of us got to AA by singin' in church and giving out canned goods to the needy) you're better able to be of service if you communicate to them that they had their emotional "day in court."

This is just as valid when talking to a sponsee, even though in that case one has a sort of "blanket permission" to dive right in and make suggestions.

I learned this as I have most things, by making the mistake of not doing it, and feeling like I was somehow being drawn into arguments that didn't really need to take place, and also by being on the receiving end of same.  I clearly remember some years ago feeling frustrated and unhappy after talking with some AA peeps and, though they had the best of intentions, getting peppered with "have you tried this?" and "why don't you try that" and worst of all, "you shouldn't feel that way... why don't you..."  Aaargh!  It felt more like a beat-me-down than a help-me-up.

Now, it's true, I probably shouldn't feel self pity for very long -- or resentment, or a host of other feelings which are pretty unhealthy for an alcoholic to dwell on -- but it's also true that there are no "wrong" feelings -- that is, I feel how I feel.  AA has given me tools to deal with those feelings, but it does not free me from the human condition.

And on the way to getting help, what I needed then -- and sometimes need today -- hell, what we all need -- is the feeling that we're not alone.  That the person we're sharing with hears us -- that other people understand how we feel.  It doesn't have to be a big hour long commiseration -- just a sincere "yeah, that's hard" or "you're right, that sucks" can feel like a balm to hurting spirits

Then it's time to get out the spiritual first aid kit.

 

Questions via Email: Agnostic, Atheist and Antagonist mash up! Woo!

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

Based on my [Mr. SP edit: childhood], I have a hard time with any talk about God.  I'm new and I'm afraid this will blow me back out the door.

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I refuse to believe in God, and while I know I have a problem with drinking, I can't stomach all the "god stuff" I hear in meetings and read in the book(s).

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

Don't you think a problem as serious and pervasive as addiciton should be addressed with something a little more reliable than "a spiritual experience"?

 

Dear Agnostic, Atheist and Antagonist,

Woo!  A Doubt Trifecta in my Inbox!  Thanks for writing, (even you, Mr. CrankyPants) since these are all things I've struggled with -- just this morning!

D'oh!

I think it was Thomas Merton who said, "All men of faith doubt."  (Leaving you ladies on your own I guess.  Chalk it up to a religious patriarchy and the era he lived in, as we so often must.)  I find comfort in that statment though.  Doubt is part of the package.

But what you're describing is a lot more than just doubt -- you're struggling with anything from disbelief to outright disgust (you'll forgive me if I cut your colorful emails down to the hearts of the matters, I hope).  When it gets between you and your medicine, it's not just a prickly metaphysical issue, it's life-or-death.  And that's not hyperbole.

I watched a video recently, a "talking head" type; informational, not entertaitional.  (I know there's no such form of the word "entertainment" -- there's no such word like that at all -- but my need for parallel sentence structure would not be denied!  Work with me, people.)

I liked what he said -- but I hated how he said it.

While the spiritual discussion was of great interest, there was a particular vocabulary the speaker used, terms which, for me, are heavily loaded and associated with organizations and people that have long troubled me.

But again, I want to stress, what the head said was great -- I saw value in the message.

It struck me that for a lot of people, that's how they respond when they encounter Alcoholics Anonymous.

All our "God talk" -- even though we offer a broad, inclusive, non-judgmental and completely self-defining idea about it -- is still, for some, simply unacceptable.  (I wonder even if our very openness -- sort of a too-good-to-be-true thing -- isn't suspect in such cases.)

If you're a regular Mr. SponsorPants reader you know I'm certainly not suggesting we change anything about the way AA addresses this subject -- for me the language is moving and healing.  The writing is both inspired and inspirational.

And you can certainly make a (strong) case for the idea that, if you want what we've got, do what we did... surrender and an "admission of powerlessness" are key components along AA's path -- if you're not willing to let go of stiff-necked, reactionary antipathy toward spiritual concepts you'll have a hard time with most of AA's Program of recovery.  (All we ask in this arena, after all, is you simply attempt to have an open mind -- and here are some thoughts I've put down about how to do that -- I hope particularly helpful to you, Mr. Atheist.) 

But if you flipped it, I would choke on even that reasonable request if my life depended on believing in the same way that the talking head in the vid I watched believed.  So I get it, what you wrote me about.  I get it.

There was a time in my life when I thought anyone who depended on God was weak of will, narrow of mind or slight of intellect.  And if you'd told me that a course of treatment for a chronic illness I suffered from would have to include a "spiritual awakening" I would have been cynically amused (or pretty frightened).

All of which is to say, upon reflection (pomposity alert! "upon reflection" is one of the top five most pompous things you can say in the 21st Century!) I have a new compassion for those who come to AA, know they're in trouble, know they need help, but for whatever reason choke on any discussion at all of spirituality.  Balanced against my heartfelt commitment to AA's suggested plan, today I don't feel very hardcore.  Today I feel that if you're a desperate alcoholic searching for a solution, the "there's the Steps or there's the door" Marine Drill Sergeant 'tude is less than helpful. 

You're catching me in Old Softy mode.  So allow me to offer a different way of looking at some of AA's spiritual concepts -- without some of the language which might make you feel like you're hacking up a psychic hairball. (gak!)

Please (please!) let these be the air bags which deploy when you crash into AA's "God talk" -- at least until you feel like you can make it through a meeting or the literature without a complete derailment.

• "Surrender" at the very beginning of sobriety, is simply connecting some dots -- in most cases it is an alcoholic's initial realization about the cause and effect of drinking upon the state of their life (be it external, i.e. lost homes and broken relationships, or internal, as in a profound loneliness, misery, depression, etc.).  Further, it's an admission to oneself that there is something fundamentally not right about the way one drinks -- either there never was (as in my case) or what control used to exist has eroded or is gone.

• An "admission of powerlessness" is less about submitting to an organization's particular philosophy than it is about looking down the road and seeing an inevitable, logical outcome to how things are progressing.  It is a gut level acknowledgement that there is an inescapable trajectory for the worse, again related to the way you drink and/or use.  And as has been said many times in many places, not just this blog (repeatedly) but meetings and AA lit too, the "Higher Power which can restore you to sanity" can be the collected sober experience and practical, real world suggestions of people in Alcoholics Anonymous who drank like you drink and have found ways to stop and stay stopped.

• Relying on prayer and meditation need not include any spiritual concepts at all.  Prayer can be the conscious self-direction to stop a particular avalanche of thought or tidal wave of negative emotion (fear, for example).  Functionally speaking, there is not a lot of difference between an alcoholic who is freaking out going into the bathroom at work, sitting down in a stall and saying "God, please remove these thoughts and help me turn my attention to what you would have me do and be" versus sitting there and saying to yourself "I recognize this thinking -- it leads me to freak out and self destruct.  I reject this.  I will not be victimized by my anxiety.  I will focus on the positive."  (Sure, the latter is a sort of affirmation, but if you are so jaded as to look down your nose and sneer at that concept too, then... fine.  Think your shitty negative thoughts and freak out all you like  No skin off my nose.)  I'm not trying to reinvent AA nor am I trying to remove what is an essential component (certainly for my Program) -- I'm offering, for an alcoholic starting out and still trying to put days together, tools or ideas which line up with AA's strategy, if not AA's philosophy.  The practice of meditation can be completely divorced from the spiritual if one does only a little reading on the topic.  More simply put, if you choke on "god stuff" consider prayer as a concerted effort, rooted in particular phrases, to think different thoughts when in crisis, and meditation as a brain chemistry reboot.

• Finally, the "spiritual awakening" as a result of the Steps (which Jung himself called a "psychic upheaval") can simply be a Profound and Ongoing Shift in Perception.

(And if you have a problem with Jung, too... well then, I guess you're never satisfied -- and... and... I guess we can't have nice things! **sob**)

Me personally, I'm good with God (today).  I understand though, how a strict religious upbringing, or so many fractious factions claiming to speak for Him/Her/It, or a desire for a solution to addiction which does not lean so heavily on what is ultimately a metaphysical foundation, might condition one to recoil from anything remotely related to the God concept as "medicine."  Try to look past that to the practical assistance, the body of sober experience, which AA can offer you.  AA doesn't require you to believe anything -- it makes suggestions which you might consider, it offers its own ideas and explanations for things -- rooted more in people's experience than anything else -- but you can do the whole darn deal and be as non-spiritual as you like.  You'll definitely have to suffer through the well-intentioned condescension of a few AA's (maybe more than a few, depending on your zip code) but the point is to get and stay sober, right?

Let this humble offering help you get started, should you be at a loss as to how to do so, amidst what might at first feel like a sea of spiritual terminology and concept.

Eventually you may consider things differently, but you don't have to.  Just don't pick up the first drink -- that's the only thing to focus on in the beginning.