Mr. SponsorPants

Questions via Email: Unwanted attention from an "older" (long term sobriety) member

 

Dear Mr. Sponsorpants,

I have been attending AA since late 2010. As of today I am working towards six months of sobriety and the obsession has been lifted. I look forward to AA meetings and attend at least one a day. I am a woman and lately I've been finding myself not going to certain meetings in order to avoid certain men. One in particular. He has long-term sobriety so I thought I could trust him. But when I took a chip recently he bought me jewelery. I accepted the gift in the moment because other people were around, but I have no intention of keeping it and am waiting for a good time to return it - but I don't want to see him in a social situation so it is looking like returning them after a meeting is my only option. I don't know how to do this though. I feel like by taking them I have led him on. My sponsor said just to return them and to tell him that his gift was inappropriate. While that is true, it is easier said than done for me - especially since weeks have gone by. He texts me almost daily (I know - how did he get my number? my sponsor asked the same question. All I can say is that he caught me off guard and in that moment I thought that since he was a respected member, I could trust him) and he waits for me after every meeting to give me a hug. It makes me really uncomfortable - both because what he is doing is completely inappropriate (I'm far too early in my sobriety and he knows that and is likely preying upon it on some level) and because the thought of having to tell him to leave me alone (I've tried just ignoring him, but it hasn't worked) causes me great anxiety. My sponsor has offered to ask one of his friends to speak with him, but I think I have to do it myself. I have a great home group which I am very comfortable at, but I am thinking of trying other meetings around the city simply to avoid this situation (how alcoholic of me!).....any advice would be much appreciated!

 

Thank you for your time,

C.

 

Dear C,

You did a great job outlining a difficult situation, and it sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders.  An alcoholic head, sure, or meetings might not click for you the way they do, but a good one none-the-less.

You already have your answer, C -- and you know it.  And while I do not think God gives us "lessons" like some pinch lipped prarie school marm, I do believe that we are presented with situations which are actually opportunities to do what we need to so we can grow as we're meant to.  So this: "My sponsor has offered to ask one of his friends to speak with him, but I think I have to do it myself" positively shouts to me that the Little Voice inside we all strive to tune in to is, in this case, being received loud and clear by you.

I have some specific suggestions (of course!) and some things you might want to consider (don't I always!).

This guy is in the wrong.  What he is doing is absolutely not good AA -- bad for you -- and terrible for him  Ultimately the harm he does himself in this is far greater -- but there's no fool like an old fool.  In no way am I minimizing your uncomfortability or what is clearly a level of attention that has mixed and murky motives, but it's worth reminding ourselves that people can be chatty and social on the outside and very lonely inside.  While it's possible for any person to be blind to their real motives, alcoholics are especially skilled at "hiding a bad motive under a good one" as it says in the 12&12 -- and quite often hiding them from ourselves, first.  Life is rarely a Lifetime movie, and one sorry, besotted old fool does not a full-on stalker/predator make.  (Yes, I know it could make one.  But that doesn't mean it will make one.)

So if you try and bring some compassion to bear in how you view him and what he's doing -- and this is NOT an excuse for him, merely something to consider -- seeing these actions as born of loneliness and fear might help you in speaking up to him and drawing some boundaries.  I understand fear because I have dealt with it so much -- thus, when I need to deal with someone who at first makes me uncomfortable, if I can identify what about their behavior is driven by their fear, it makes approaching them a little easier, as they go from kind of scary-bad to a little sorry-sad.

I don't see any error on your part when it comes to him having your phone number or you not being quick to return his gift.  Dear God, girl, you're a walking miracle, in the beginning of your sobriety, going to meetings and trying to build a foundation in recovery!  A little foot dragging on something that would be difficult for anyone to handle is completely natural.

But... now you are clear in what you need to do.  You need to return the gift and tell him that the level of attention he is showing you is not okay with you.

The time for the dragging of the feet is over.

So you bring the jewelery to the meeting and tell him you need to speak to him.  No more dithering about when you're going to do it or how to meet him.  Part of the problem is he's around more than you want.  Meeting him is hardly the issue.

You return the gift and you say "Thank you, but I cannot and I will not accept this gift.  It is too much and I am not at all comfortable keeping it."  Rehearse it a couple of times so you can say it with some force.  Gentle force, but force.  No err or um between the words and no apology in your tone.  When he tries to insist you keep it just play the  broken record and repeat it until he "gets" it.  And if he doesn't, then set the gift on a chair or table and let it go.  If it becomes a game of "I won't take it so you have to keep it" just opt out, and set it down.

And now comes the leap of faith.  One of the best things I learned in AA was that the truth will protect you.

So tell him the truth.

"I'm not comfortable with the amount of attention you're giving me.  All the texts, all the waiting for me after meetings -- it's starting to affect my comfortability in the rooms.  I know the hand of AA will always be there for me, but as far as 12th step work goes, I need it to be a woman's hand for right now."

Yes, you feel anxiety over saying this, but it will be fantastic for you if you take a deep breath and do it.

You don't have to do it alone.  Ask your sponsor to be there, as quiet support, if you like -- or some other gal in the rooms.  Ask them to let you be the one talking, you're not asking them to speak for you, just to be there -- or nearby even -- as moral support. 

And, as they told me when facing a scary situation, bring God with you.  God will give you the words and handle this interaction if you invite God into it.  Remember, this guy has a Higher Power too.  He may be embarrassed or angry or confused.  He might feel this way or that.  None of that is your problem.  This is your opportunity, not your lesson and not your problem:  To speak up for yourself in an environment which it is safe to do so and with ready support at hand. 

Just because AA's can be a huggy group doesn't mean you are required to hug everyone -- or anyone.  Just hold up one hand when someone comes in to give you a hug and say "wait.  I'm in a handshaking place today." 

If some people are offended or give you flack, that's on them.  Most people will not.  And you can hug some and not others. 

Claim your Home Group, claim your meeting, as yours.  (Not yours exclusively, obviously, but yours for sure.)

There will be some anxiety.  Some awkwardness at times for a bit, too.

But your sobriety, your life, is more important than his -- or anyone's -- feelings.

You can do this with grace and do this well.  It's the right thing for you to do, and his unwanted attention has in some ways made him a great spiritual teacher for you.

C., if you can stay sober for as many days as you have then there is nothing in this you can't handle.  You don't have to rely on your own power -- just rely on your Higher Power and all will go as it should.

Faith.  Courage -- I know it's a lot easier for me to rattle these things off than it is to look someone in the eye and say them, but you can do it.

Good luck, and please, by all means, let me know how it goes.

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

 

 

 

the unconscious expectation with boundaries

 

This has come up several times over the past couple days -- when that happens I sometimes think Someone is trying to tell me Something...

 

When I set a boundary, it's very easy to have the unconscious expectation that because I have powerfully/forcefully/warmly/strongly/kindly/clearly/heatedly/whateverly set that boundary with someone that they will now, having been served notice of the consequences of their actions, change their behavior.

But that's making the boundary about an expectation -- and that's a really, really bad idea for an alcoholic, since expectations are usually midwife to my resentments.

What's best for me is to remember that the boundary is about communication.  If you do this (or don't do this, or whatever) then I will do that (or not do that, or whatever). 

In short, it's about what I will do, not what the other person will do.

Remembering that helps me set healthy boundaries without the set-up for a resentment built in.

 

Shooters -- Quick shots from Meetings

 

"I thought for a long time that boundaries were like rules I made for other people to follow.  But I never really had much luck in getting people to do what I think they should do.  It wasn't till I came to AA that I learned that boundaries are really agreements I make with myself.  It's the commitment I make to myself about what I will do if a particular situation happens again -- whether it's with the same person over and over, or the same situation but with different people.  The boundary is the agreement I make with myself, not a rule for them.  And it doesn't always have to be a big exit or something.  It can be as simple as a smile and changing the subject.  But my boundaries never started becoming firm until I learned that they weren't about making other people do -- or not do -- something.  It was about what I would do -- or not do.  When I got that, that's when my boundaries started working.  That's when they became real.  And I got better."

where do you put your cotton? some thoughts on slogans

"Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth."  One of the old timey AA sayings, a bit of (mildly snarky) folk wisdom passed down in the Fellowship as a suggestion to Newcomers in recovery.

It's not a bad bit of advice, really.  At first blush I thought it was directed solely towards the belligerent types, but it can certainly be useful to those among us who bandy words as a way to distance, to deflect, to deconstruct so that nothing means anything (that was a good description of me when I was new.  And some days I'm not sure I've made it much past those devices).

"Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth" is absolutely a good suggestion, a useful little slogan, to remind new people that when it comes to getting and staying sober, they might benefit more from taking new ideas in rather than voicing their own genius ideas on being sober.

"Take the cotton our of your ears and put it in your mouth" is a great slogan.

Except when it's not.

Some of us have been stuffing cotton in our mouths for most of our lives, stuffing stuffing stuffing every feeling, doubting every thought.  The last thing those people need to do is take too closely to heart the idea that they should be quiet.  The spirit of the slogan, that it's a good idea to make listening to this new information about getting sober a priority, certainly applies.  But to be too specific, to be too literal, and deny their newly found sober voice, would probably be quite damaging.

Another way to look at this is that some of us are asshole drunks and some of us are doormat drunks.  The assholes need to sit down and shut up, the doormats need to raise their hands and break through the walls which at one time protected but now only imprison.  It's a good slogan, but it's one-size-fits-most.  Maybe not all.

Obviously there are only a few slogans which can apply to all of us in every situation.  One Day At A Time -- I think we can agree that's pretty universal.  Or Easy Does It.  (Yet even "Easy Does It" got an addendum over the years:  Easy Does It -- But Do It.)

Slogans encapsulate a sound bit of practical advice in a way that, when I'm under duress, can get through my mental agitation and give me a bit of good orderly direction to hang onto.

In Friday's post I offered a slogan I use for myself:  If you can't keep the boundary don't set the boundary.

I use this to steel myself when I am about to tell someone No.  (Some form of "No" being the stalwart heart of every boundary, yes?)  For me, it is very dangerous to set a boundary that I can't keep.  Thus, this little slogan reminds me to be realistic and specific when I'm setting my boundary.  "If you can't keep it don't set it" is my mantra for preparing myself to hold the line against the potential dramatic siege to cross it, and to be vigilant against the (much more challenging) thousand stealthy, oh-so-reasonable-exceptions which can change a solid line to a dotted one in a dysfunctional blink.

And most importantly, for me, is that it prevents the potentially most toxic of resentments:  The resentments against myself.

The Big Book calls resentment turned inwards remorse, but that's too nice a word for it, tinged as it is in what seems like the sepia tones of nostalgia.  "Remorse" feels like the kind of thing you experience when looking back at something over time, and from a distance.  It's a melancholy blue, not an angry red.  For me, when I set a boundary and then I can't/don't hold it, that broken boundary can be the first toppling domino in a devastating avalanche of self loathing.  (Oh! Dramatic!)

Seriously though, when I'm already on the ropes, and I have thoughts which start with "you always... " and "you never..." and they're the prelude to an examination of how I wound up doormatting again, that's a dangerous inward-aimed resentment (with self obsession piggy backing on top, complete with spurs riding crop to make pony go faster).

Of course all resentments are dangerous in some way to an alcoholic -- when the Big Book calls it the Number One Offender it's not kidding.  (But resentment is not quite exactly the same as anger.  In a couple of places here at Mr. SP we've kicked around the idea that anger plus self obsession equals resentment.  Anger alone is an emotion which we can feel and hopefully let pass.  It's resentment that's covered in velcro.)

I agree with all the wise comments addressing from a variety of angles this particular personal slogan of mine.  Yes absolutely the way to get better at making boundaries is to practice drawing them.  There is no doubt that a failure to draw a boundary when it is sorely needed is a sure way to begin to resent the person you need to draw that boundary for.  (And if you don't, eventually it's on you, and I'm sorry but the longer you don't draw the boundary the more you move to a sort of lying by omission.)

Slogans that we make for ourselves, or that we hear from sponsors and the fellowship at large, encompass one usually important and generally helpful principle.  I can't tell you the number of times I've been half-way worked up to a full-on meltdown and the phrase Easy Does It has floated to the surface of my consciousness, a little white buoy on a roiling emotional sea, reminding me to breathe and say the Serenity Prayer.

But we must each, probably with a fair amount of input from sober friends and sponsor, decide in what way a particular sober slogan is best applied to our recovery.

Or, to make a new slogan right here, maybe not everyone should put their cotton in the same place.

Cheers!

can't keep don't set

When it comes to dealing with

difficult, challenging or abusive people,

if you can't keep the boundary,

don't set the boundary.

other people's "me too" does not equal "not you"

Alcoholics Anonymous helps me keep my ego in check -- "right sized."  One result of this is a freedom from interpreting other people's wish to be included as a "threat" to me.  To put it another way, other people's "me too" doesn't equal "not you."

The world is a less hostile place from that perspective.

Their abundance is not my lack (because they don't have my stuff -- their stuff has nothing to do with me).

Their success does not diminish me (because their accomplishment or good fortune is not a comment on my abilities or fortunes).

Their faith is not an indictment of my belief -- or doubt, for that matter (even if they think it is).

Whenever I think someone else's anything is a comment upon me, whether overtly or covertly, I've slipped back into an ego based world-view.  I'm deeply grateful to Alcoholics Anonymous for giving me the tools to recognize that -- and change it.

Peace.

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. Third in a series.

A fruitful conversation with a sponsee's sponsee (we really need a word for that, kids.  But personally I'm not big on the term "grandsponsee") reminded me of the following:

Believe people when they show you who they are.  If they couldn't respect your boundaries last week, and they couldn't respect your boundaries yesterday ... guess what?  They're not going to respect your boundaries today, either.

The first time someone crosses the line, it may have little or nothing to do with you.

(I said "may," please note -- my own personal "road to happy destiny" is littered with the corpses of my many denials.  I have been -- to crib a slang from across the Atlantic -- positively gobsmacked by some inventories and what they have revealed to me about how big my part in something can be, and how I am so often the author of my resentment, disappointment or frustration.)

But, as it quite wisely points out in the very beginning of the discussion about the 4th Step in the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" (AA's Big Book)  "... the world and its people are often quite wrong."  So there are occasions where someone else's spiritual sickness causes them to "step on my toes" and I actually didn't have much to do with it.  I didn't put my toes underfoot that first time.

The problem for the doormat drunks out there is that we don't appropriately speak up -- or if we do, we don't hold the line.  We resent the toe-stepper, and we resent ourselves for not speaking up or sticking to our proverbial guns.  So in some cases, when trying to sort out my resentments in a four column inventory format, "my part" is not that I created a scenario in which I put myself in a position to be harmed -- my part in the resentment becomes that I keep showing up for it.

In developing healthy relations with others (a "moving and fascinating adventure" as it is described in AA literature, and occasionally when I read that I think, "damn straight, skippy") understanding what a boundary is, and how to set it, is key.  Here are some thoughts I've had on that.

Cheers!

Boundaries

Alcoholics, addicts, codependents, overeaters, debtors, alanons, humans, lions, tigers and bears (oh my), all have problems with boundaries.  Commonly people talk about "setting boundaries" -- alcoholics and addicts talk about it constantly -- but I think in my own journey in recovery I started throwing the lingo around before I was absolutely clear what it meant.  I wasn't "wrong" in my understanding of the terms and concepts -- but I wasn't clear.

So first, let's get clear on the "what it is" part:

A boundary is a limit.  "This is what I will do. This is what I won't do.  This is what I will not allow in my life. This is what I will not allow you to say to me. This is what I will not allow you to do to me.  This is what I will accept from you.  This is what I won't accept from you."  It is a clear statement that says "No" to some behavior (an action or an inaction) from another person in any context, be it love, family, work, school, etc.  And then it is the calm, consistent enforcement of that statement.

These are my boundaries:

• Other people's behavior does not dictate my behavior.  If you lie to me I still speak the truth to you.  If you steal from me I do not steal from you.  My ethics and my principles are not changed by my anger or my fear, nor are they flexible in the context of "standing up for myself" (which in some situations is just "retaliation" in recovery drag.)  You don't get to decide how I behave by the way you behave.

• You can spoil your day -- that's up to you -- but you can't spoil mine -- that's up to me.

• If you want to behave badly that's on you.  But I'm not going to be part of it. I leave or you leave if you want to behave in a toxic or hurtful (to me, to you, or to an innocent bystander) manner.

• Helping someone is not the same as enabling someone.  Generally I do not shield people from the consequences of their actions (or their inactions), and I do not expect them to shield me from the consequences of mine.  I most especially do not shield an alcoholic or addict from the consequences of their using.

• I won't support other people's lies.

• I will not allow people to abuse me verbally, emotionally, mentally or physically -- and while I am not responsible for the whole world around me, I will not sit idly by when others are being abused.

Some of the above are inspired by what I've heard in AA meetings, and have become a part of how I try to "trudge the road of happy destiny."  Some I've learned from working the Steps, some from working with sponsors, some I learned from the work of Melody Beattie in the book "CoDependent No More" -- and some I learned the hard way, that is, by not having the boundary and thus being beat up and beat down -- and then beat down some more.  Because believe me, if you can't set boundaries then every Crazy you meet has an All-Access Pass to every area of your life.  (And an alcoholic without boundaries is a resentment machine.)

I'm not a superhero (much as I like to wear a cape now and then).  Absolutely I miss the mark on these some days.  And sometimes when I'm not spiritually fit I get confused as to my part in a situation, and then how to set and keep healthy boundaries feels complicated and overwhelming.  (Tenth Step, anyone?)

But if I start from clarity -- if I know what a boundary is and consequently then what my boundaries are -- I'm in a much better place to cope with things as they come at me.

Or, to put it another way:  As life hands me its lumps and miracles I'm going to be a lot more graceful in accepting both.