Mr. SponsorPants

Questions via Email: Prayer Partners?

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I have a question about Prayer Partners.  I'm a newcomer to Al-anon and my sponsor has had many suggestions for me in the last few months, but none has been so difficult for me as their most recent suggestion:  That I get a Prayer Partner.  My sponsor defines this as another person in the program with whom I would speak by phone every morning without fail; we would pray aloud together, saying the Serenity Prayer and the Third and Seventh Step Prayers, and maybe sharing whatever spiritual concern/process we want to share.

I know this is not strictly speaking an AA question, but I thought I would ask you since all of my sponsor's other suggestions have been ones that I know come from the Big Book or from AA collected experience in general.  (Make a gratitude list every night, kneel to pray morning and night, have a home group, read conference approved literature, do stepwork, have a service commitment, attend open AA meetings, etc.)  But this one is new to me, and I can't figure out if it's a common thing and I've just never heard of it, or what.  I've Googled this and I don't get anything even remotely conference-approved, just Christian references.  And I am not a Christian, although my sponsor is, which is at times unsettling, although I try not to let it be.

I'm officially no longer in the business of interrogating her suggestions or coming up with better ones of my own;  I just take them, and suck it up, and see what happens next (usually more is revealed).  I still wondered nonetheless  if you had heard of this before.

Thanks for your experience, strength and hope, and keep coming back!

Yours,

New to Al-anon

Dear New,

Wow ... I ... I would have the same reaction you've described yourself as having. 

I always do best when, as you mentioned, I stop questioning a sponsor's direction and just try it for a while and see what happens.  (I believe that is called "being open minded and willing," actually.)  You and I are totally on the same page with that.

It's just that... well ... the phrase "Prayer Partner" makes me throw up a little bit in the back of my throat.

I know!  I know!  I'm a terrible, close-minded person.  <hangs head in shame>

But the phrase is very Evangelical.  Actually, more to the point, the phrase is very Tele-evangelical.

Alcoholics Anonymous as a whole has no opinion on outside issues.  Love and tolerance is our code.  People of all and every and no faith can find a solution to their drinking problem in AA, and nothing that the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" suggests will be contrary to their particular creed.

I, a sober member of AA, have certain ideas associated with certain religions that make it difficult for me to be unbiased or as open minded as I like to be.  I am not a spokesman for AA.  No person is.  The only authority on Alcoholics Anonymous is the book "Alcoholics Anonymous."  (Clever title, eh?)

While I mean no offense to anyone reading this, some religions scare trouble me.  Some religions have gone on the record -- quite vehemently -- in ways that make me feel threatened unwelcome, despite their claims of following spiritual teachings based on the concepts of Love.  (I feel like some sects can't even make it to "Like thy neighbor as thyself" let alone Love.)  So when someone in AA references anything that I identify with those religions it can be a challenge for me not to denounce judge, or react in fear, or become irrationally protective of what I think AA is and isn't.  (The middle of that path is where I aim for -- it is appropriate to safeguard the Traditions and speak up for AA's singleness of purpose -- but too far to one side or the other on that road and I fear it's Bleeding Deacon territory.)

It is always a rude awakening, when I consider how groups that I fear view me I call it intolerance, but when I think about how I view them I call it intelligence.  Neat trick, huh?  To be fair, it's not all in my head.  There are some parts of the world where I wouldn't get two blocks without being stoned to death.  (What is with those municipalities, where there are always a lot of stones lying around for a stoning?)  And there are some factions and zip codes here in the U.S. that might not stone me, but might not welcome me, either.

That's a big part of why the spirit of anonymity is so important in meetings.  Not to hide from each other, but to create a level playing field in which we can meet (to the best of our abilities) as recovering alcoholics first, and whatever else we are second.  Every other part of how we identify ourselves, the status, the divisions, the bias and assumptions about people and affiliations, can be, if not left outside, certainly kept out of the way to better practice the 12th Step with each other.

But the phrase "Prayer Partner" is, as I am familiar with it, what some Televangelists called the people who were encouraged to put one hand on the TV and pray, and the other hand on their checkbook and donate.  Thus, it is hard for me at first to consider the suggestion without a lot of baggage attached to it.

To answer your question directly, no, this is not a suggestion I have heard of in my sober adventures in AA -- but I have also encountered a great variance by region as to what the fellowship suggests people try as an adjunct to getting and staying sober.

At the same time, when I take a sponsee through the Steps of AA in the Big Book and we come to the 3rd Step, as awkward as it occasionally feels we kneel down and say the prayer together out loud -- and though there may be some initial oddness, doing so often becomes something sublime.  So I do, in my own way, regularly pray aloud with people. 

Still... morning telephone "Prayer Partner" ... that's a tough one for me, I freely admit.

I must check my ego and my intellectual arrogance in this as well.  If what your sponsor was suggesting was called "Morning Spiritual Fellowship" I would not have the same kind of reaction at all.  (Though I would likely not say on a first date, "What did I do this morning?  Well, after a kickass telephone prayer session with my Morning Spiritual Fellowship Partner I ... hey, wait!  Where are you going?")

As a sponsor I bring all of me to the table in an effort to help the people I sponsor.  I tend to label my suggestions as things I've personally done and things I've seen work for others, and also those things that come from AA vs. those that don't but have been helpful to my sobriety.

Sounds like your sponsor is doing the same thing, and you have a pretty open mind about it.

If it's right for you give it a go, and let me know what your experience of it is like.

Thanks for writing in and keep coming back!

Cheers!

Mr. SP

Questions via Email: Introspective vs. Laying Judgment -- Or, a bit about the blog, anonymity, and a sincere attempt address some thought provoking comments.

Hey Mr. SponsorPants,

I like your blog.  I have read it almost in its entirety.  I also like Agent Orange and the Orange Papers.  I can find myself agreeing, relating to many aspects of the subjects found about alcoholism and AA in either site. What I did find was that as your blog matured, it became more judgmental, as if you had lost the connection with your own experience of alcoholism.  I also questioned your ability to protect anonymity.  I would not want to sit at a table with you.  "You might want to think about that." There are portions of your blog that are about your own problem, which you are free to share, and there is some good information and insight there.  The later stuff seems to be sensational, gossipy, I got a good story for you....guess what, I have been sitting around tables and I have a million good stories too. Start thinking like a priest in a confessional, because that's how most people offer their stuff up....with trust. I think you would do kindness to the program to limit your information sharing to that which reflects to your experience and not to others.  Tell your story....don't sell out the privacy of the table.  AA table is not a locker room.  "You might want to think about that." 

K.

 

Hey K,

First off, sorry about how the copy/paste kind of mooshed your formatting together.  TypePad doesn't seem to like it when I try to copy/paste either directly from an email or if I use Word as an intermediate step.

You bring up some good, tough points.

My greatest fear as I respond is that I will become defensive.

No, wait, actually, my greatest fear is that I will sound defensive.  I have struggled my whole life with worrying to some degree or another what others think, and it is a victory that I mostly keep that concern right-sized, and can name it when it happens.  Many people struggle with ego, alcoholics seem to do so intensely.

I confess, K, to being a little dazzled that you have read my blog almost in its entirety -- it gives you a unique perspective to comment on how it may have changed over time, and I want to address that in a bit, but first I think I should clear up a few things about the anonymity issue.

As you may recall, when I first started telling stories that involved others I would often include a little introduction that explained how details were altered or fudged to protect people's anonymity.  I stopped with those little intros, partly because I assumed it would be boring to read over and over, and partly because it was boring to write over and over.

The best way I can explain how I handle some of my story telling is that everything I write is truthful, but it is not factual.  I combine people (for example, if there were three people in a conversation I might combine the other two into one person, both for clarity of the point I'm trying to make and again, I'm lazy), I change identifiers, fuzz details, names and locales (in emails too), I often avoid naming genders -- I even switch what we might be doing -- having coffee instead of frozen yogurt, for example -- so that anyone  who saw us talking and yogurting and then (by some unbelievable long shot) went on to read my blog entry and then also knew my "secret identity" wouldn't be able to put it all together and divine whatever we had been discussing.

I take the anonymity piece very seriously, (too much so, I've been told).  I confess that as I have continued in writing this over the past year-and-a-half or so , an ever-widening circle of people in my life do now know my online alter-ego.  Ironically, and not surprisingly, considering most of the people I know are alcoholic, the reactions I've gotten have not been "Why am I in your blog?" but much, much more often "Why aren't I in your blog?"  When I fear something might be sensitive I ask the person if they mind if I include it in the blog, but again, I don't always indicate that in my writing -- a failing, it seems, if it has given anyone pause in the Trust Department.

No one can remember conversations with exact recall -- though I do have a pretty good auditory memory -- that is, I remember what people say quite well (much to many a sponsee's chagrin, I might add).  And again I used to write little disclaimers at the beginning of such posts, but that too seemed like overkill after a while.  I work like hell to recall the spirit of an exchange to the best of my ability, while fully acknowledging there is no way I could recall it with either absolute accuracy or a complete lack of bias.  Your email prompts me to include something on the side of the blog, like a category, which could remain and address these things so that no one reading what I write would have questions about this.

Over time the blog has changed.  At the risk of sounding ooky-spooky (or worse, pretentious and self-deluded) each entry is more-or-less fresh baked.  I sit down, ask HP for some inspiration, and let 'er rip.  Many times I've been surprised at the result.  Of course sometimes I have an experience which happened that day that I'm going to address, but often I start with not a lot of thought as to what will come out.  Consequently I'm a mad hodgepodge of stories, plays, analogies, rants, prayers ... some of which I am proud of, others I must shrug and remind myself that it's not for me to question very often, it's about leaning into the process, and having some Faith that someone, somewhere, might find just what they needed that day -- even if it is in the form of my being a horrible mess rather than a shining example.

Now, as to being judgmental...

Man, that's a tough one for me -- and I don't mean that refraining from judgment is that tough all the time -- I truly do see "bad" behavior as a form of spiritual sickness which isn't about me (unless it's mine, that is).

I suppose it has to do with what one's working definition of the concept is.  So often I find people saying "judgment" when they seem to mean, from a contextual standpoint, "not very nice" or "disagreeing."

To be specific, for example, I believe that if you're a real addict, and you come to the 12 Step world and you get your life back, and then you go off and have your great life and you don't put some time in staying in those same rooms that saved your life and passing along what was given to you, that that is a fundamentally selfish thing.  I name that as selfish.  Is that judgmental?  I suppose it very well could be.  Certainly it's not very nice of me to say so -- it would be "nice" to say, instead, "Well, I guess they have a different path."  And they might, but I would be disingenuous to leave it at that.  I think it's selfish -- if the room was empty when they showed up they wouldn't have the life they're so happy with now.

Or people who sit and talk through a meeting.  I think that is selfish and self-centered, as they are more of a distraction than they often realize, not to mention someone is up there sharing, sometimes about very personal and troubling things.  That behavior -- the talking, I mean -- wouldn't be tolerated in a movie theater -- but it's judgmental to call it out in an AA meeting?  (I'm not saying that you are saying that is an example of me being judgmental, K, it's just an example that came to mind, one I feel I've written about a lot here.)

I believe God (or whatever shorthand you like) gave me an intellect to use.  AA suggests that the proper use of that intellect is in trying to be helpful to others.  Using my intellect sometimes means sorting what I think of as sick behavior from healthy behavior (or bad from good, rude from polite, whatever) -- humility comes in when I make sure I remind myself -- and choose my words with care when voicing these things -- that I could very well be 100% wrong in my assessments.  (And at the risk of sliding sideways into that defensiveness -- which I hopefully have avoided so far -- I think I've included that idea, that I may be wrong, fairly often.)

You've touched on a real fear of mine lately, K.  I fear that as I get older I'm getting grouchier, more of a curmudgeon.  Yet some days I am genuinely worn out and frustrated and frightened by alcoholism and alcoholics -- hell, there are many days I'm worn out, frustrated and frightened by humanity.  But there are many other days I feel a profound harmony in the Universe, so ... *shrug* ... no matter where I fall on the scale, I know it's the seeking, not the being, that is the real criteria.

I know my motives haven't changed in writing Mr. SponsorPants.  I still have a sincere desire to help.  But you have challenged me to consider if I've crossed any lines, and if there are better ways to talk about some of these things, and for that challenge, I thank you.

Cheers!

Mr. SP

Anonymity

Anonymity.

Why bother, right?

The paparazzi take pictures of pop stars leaving AA meetings.

Movie stars and athletes issue a press release when they enter rehab*.

Newspapers regularly report if someone famous is sentenced to AA meetings.  A recent comedian who had some trouble with liquor and the law (I love typing that phrase, it sounds like something a cowboy would say, "... trouble with liquor and the law ...") was sentenced to AA meetings on Court TV!  So why should anyone bother to maintain their anonymity? What the hell is it, and why is it even important?

Well, historically of course, when AA first started it was a safeguard against stigma.  The idea that alcoholism is a disease still has its doubters even today -- back in the mid 1930's it was practically science fiction. Alcoholism was judged as a moral issue, generally, and if you were a drunk you were 'weak,' not ill.  So it was both a protection for the membership in AA and a way for new people to feel like their 'secret shame' could stay a secret, and they could feel (somewhat) comfortable checking AA out.

But things are different today, aren't they?  Alcoholism is protected by the Americans With Disabilities Act.  AA and the 12 Steps are, if not well understood, certainly not stigmatized.  A radio campaign currently running on Clear Channel affiliates (and if someone who understands why Clear Channel doesn't qualify as a monopoly could explain it to me I would be most grateful ... but I digress) is all about being a "Rock-a-holic" and attending meetings where you identify with, "I'm so-and-so, and I'm a Rock-a-holic" and everyone responds, "Hi so-and-so."  AA has been shifted, if not into the spotlight, then certainly onto the stage.

So, what's the big deal?

(Don't you just hate cute rhetorical questions? I should cut that out, but I can't seem to gracefully transition to my next point without it. I'll try to keep that kind of thing to a minimum though.  It's a little school teacherish, and I sure as hell am not trying to be that.)

The big deal is this:

"Anonymity is the spiritual foundation for all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities."

In an AA Meeting we are all equal. And in that equality is where the process of identification can begin -- it is just one alcoholic talking to another, and that's where the healing is transmitted.  We are alcoholics together, trying to get and/or stay sober. There are no bosses, no stars.  Human nature is of course a part of the mix. There will be popular people and those less so. Folks will flirt and bicker and argue. Tempers and jealousies alike will flare on occasion.  Some groups might seem "cliquey" and others "shallow" or "dull."  But all of that is a combination of human nature and ego and judgment operating (one man's cliquey is another man's sociable, after all).  I may feel like someone is more popular than I am, or more interesting or better liked (sob!) but all of those are just bullshit value judgments fueled by my ego and my fear.  In all the ways that truly matter in the fellowship, in other words, in the lifesaving ways, they and I are equals in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Further, we have no spokespeople.  (Thank God. Can you imagine?)

And this is a good thing, since if some famous idiot got sober in AA and bragged about it in the press and then drank, it would send a pretty inaccurate message to other people who might need AA's help.  Or, even if they stayed sober, people who thought the famous idiot was, in fact, an idiot, would use that as a rationalization for not approaching AA to look into how it might help their own drinking problem (if they had one).

Two things:

I once had a sponsor tell me, when the topic of anonymity at work came up, that it was not breaking my anonymity to say "I don't drink." But it is breaking my anonymity to say "I'm in AA."

(At the time I was confused on that point. Well, at that stage in my life I was confused on just about every point. So much time has passed since then, and so little has changed. <sigh>).  My sponsor went on to suggest that I should be careful when I break my anonymity, since I can't "un" break it.  As he explained it, breaking my anonymity is a responsibility, since I may be the only example of the Big Book that a person sees. So, if I choose to take that responsibility on, well... then I better be ready to work really hard not to be an asshole.

And finally, so the story goes, a few years before Bill Wilson passed away he was contacted by Time Magazine to be on the cover, as the "Founder of AA."  Now, I think if you read any of the biographies about Bill, and his own writing, it would be fair to say that although he had a profound spiritual experience early on that helped him get sober, he struggled on-and-off with his ego as any man (or woman) will -- and that struggle is particularly acute for an alcoholic.  And Bill had had many, many rough years well after he got sober.  So this invitation must have been like the whole Universe coming together to say, "Good job. Well done. Thank you."  A tremendous validation.  After a life of long and difficult struggle, and no small amount of hardship ... the cover of Time Magazine! (and back in the day that was a really, really big deal.)

And yet... he declined.  Anonymity at the level of press, radio and film. (Certainly television and the Internet are implied there.  It's bullshit, hair-splitting justification to say otherwise, in my opinion.)

So Time Magazine, apparently trying to be sensitive to Bill's principles, suggested that they take a picture of the back of his head. He could both remain anonymous and still be on the cover of Time.  (Oh, man, isn't that the best? When you make the hard decision and do the right thing and then you get to do what you wanted to anyway? It's like when a friend asks you to help them move, and you say yes, and then they decide to hire movers after all. So you get to feel all noble and get points for being a good friend, but not have to carry heavy boxes up and down the stairs.  Score!)

But Bill still declined.  No one among us is any more important than any other, in Alcoholics Anonymous. In AA we are equal, through our anonymity.  If Bill Wilson could honor both the letter and the spirit of that principle in such a way, can I ever do any less? Regardless of whatever pop culture boobs and media talking heads who have five minutes to fill in their daily blather choose to do.

*And, by the way, rehab is not AA. AA is AA. Rehab may talk about recovery, and sobriety, and many of the things that AA talks about ... rehab may even take someone to AA meetings, and have people that are sober through AA themselves doing good work there as counselors and support staff ... but AA is AA. AA is bound by Traditions -- 12 of them -- and what's called a 'singleness of purpose' that keeps us from letting our own good intentions destroy us.