Mr. SponsorPants

you to you

Do not compare yourself to other people (which is really just what you think other people are, anyway.)

Do not compare yourself to who you think you're supposed to be.

Compare instead who and how you were when you came to AA against who and how you are today.

Compare you to you -- whether you have only a few weeks to look back upon, or many, many years.

That is the only measure worthy of reflection, as it will show you the unbroken line of spiritual healing we so easily lose sight of on any given scary day.

And really, isn't that what you need to see, when you're unsure?

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week(end). An ongoing series.

• In observing alcoholics (myself included) this weekend, it struck me how readily our ego and defiance work together (at lightning speed, and virtually unseen) to perceive a criticism or sleight from someone when none is offered -- that is, someone is talking literally about themselves, but what we hear -- and react to -- is a comment about us -- a comment they were not making at all.

• People make up a lot of rules in their head about sharing in AA meetings that do not exist.  While some sharing is more productive than others -- and some meeting formats request people abide by certain suggestions (no cross talk, for example) -- there is really no "wrong" sharing.

• Alcoholics Anonymous does not try to explain God, it only suggests we seek one, as we understand them.  Being angry or doubtful or cynical or critical of a belief in God is absolutely no barrier to working the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

• Serenity is learning to live with unanswered questions and unresolved issues.

• As it says in the Big Book, when discussing our inventories, "the world and its people are often quite wrong."  Looking at my part in things -- so crucial for my peace of mind and continued sobriety -- is not the same as saying that a wrong thing is not, in fact, wrong.

• Anonymity helps me remain teachable, as well as to hear peoples' shares in meetings with a minimum of filters.

• Listening to a 5th Step is, when done with real attention and a true intent to be of service to another person in recovery, actually very hard work -- well worth it, but hard work nonetheless.

$58,000 a month

The 12 Step world brings you in contact with all kinds of people, but ironically I met Rockabilly while he was working, and it was only in later conversation we discovered we were both "friends of Bill."

He's a great kid (I'm close to fifty, so if I have to put up with the encroaching indignities of middle age, I will claim the few perks as well, one such being that I can refer to someone in their late 20's as a kid).

Rockabilly's got a distinctive look, a little rough around the edges by some people's standards maybe (there are decisions we make in our youth, while using, which can stay with us for the rest of our lives -- unless we invest in major laser tattoo removal), but his demeanor is serious and centered.

And he's doing the single dad thing.  I asked about the carseat in the back of his Honda, and he told me he's got a kid -- the mother of his child is strung out on Crystal and totally AWOL, so he has sole custody.  He tells me this without a trace of self-pity.  (And some days I think my life is challenging ... )

He's seen something of the world, hustled its mean streets, been beat up and shot down, and came out the other side clean and sober, with the grace which many people who had low bottoms and hard climbs evince without even realizing it.  He's cool in the way pseudo-hipsters try to be, but on him its the genuine article. 

I met him working his second job -- but it turns out his bread-and-butter gig is working at a rehab.  It is not a 12 Step based rehab facility, though of course there is access to 12 Step literature, and the opportunity to attend meetings is offered -- but it's not a requirement for being there, as it can be in some rehabs.

Rockabilly reports that the price for attending this rehab is $58,000 per month.

He tells me that the first question many of the residents have when they check in is, "I was told I don't have to go to AA meetings, is that correct?"

He reports this to me without a trace of smug or snark, and with unselfconscious class models how I should approach this factoid as well.

Struggling with addiction is a bewildering nightmare, and it would be unseemly to mock anyone's hardship, as tempting as it might be to turn a phrase or two, given my own frame of reference and obvious personal bias.

I'm afraid it has crossed my mind though, that while I would never want to poach any of the residents from Rockabilly's day job, after more than 20 years of volunteering to take people to AA meetings for free, I find I am now more than willing to not take people to AA meetings, for a small monthly fee.

And now, a word from the other side of the aisle...

A while ago I stumbled across this blog:

Stinkin' Thinkin' - Muckraking the 12 Step Industry

They're sometimes funny, often angry, and very passionate in their commitment to "debunking" the 12 Step Industry.  (Though right off the bat I think "industry" is a bit of a stretch.)

But I like 'em.  I have some powerful disagreements with many of their interpretations of what AA suggests, but I've always been a sucker for the scrappy nose-thumbers of the world.  Maybe much to their chagrin and certainly to my amusement, what we most likely have in common is the quality of defiance.

Certainly, while they said a few kind things about Mr. SponsorPants in one post, on the whole they gave me a sound spanking for the answer I gave to someone who wrote in -- and in retrospect I think they may well be right -- or at least, more than half right, even though I don't think I was as totally "off the beam" as they seem to.

23 years of regular AA attendance, 21 years clean and sober, hundreds of sponsees and thousands of meetings under my belt, I believe anything that provokes a good hard look at what AA is and what it says and what members of the fellowship do (and do not do) is an important and vital thing.

They do not advocate against being sober, they take the position that AA gets some important things wrong.  Obviously I disagree with them, but it helps me to hear them out.  And some of what they say is actually very worthy of consideration.

In particular, this most recent piece, entitled "12 Rights for Newcomers to AA/12 Step" is excellent.  They even submitted it to AA's Grapevine (for the new kids, the Grapevine is AA's official newsletter, and it has stories and information about both AA the fellowship and AA the organization, in addition to articles and essays of note about the 12 Steps and staying sober).  Apparently the Grapevine sent them a nice rejection letter, and chose not to publish it, which, as good muckrakers are wont to do, set them to muttering darkly, but I'm not certain I see anything shady in the rejection.  I know nothing of the Grapevine's editorial policy, though, so <shrug> who knows?

I will include the link so it can be seen at the source (that seems like the proper protocol for this sort of thing) but I will also for convenience (and without their permission, I should add, so if they want me to yank it they have but to ask) copy and paste it here:

A Modest Proposal: “12 Rights For New-Comers To AA/12 Step”

Posted on July 8, 2009 by speedy0314

The following has not been written, edited or endorsed by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, AA’s General Service Office, nor AA’s Board of Directors. It is simply my humble offering to a fellowship whose sole purpose (as per its own ‘Preamble’) is “to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.”

I fully intend to forward these ’suggestions’ to AAWS for their review.

The following “12 Rights For New-Comers To AA/12-Step” are merely suggestions, and should not be considered the province of ‘new-comers’ only. Even if “personal recovery depends on AA unity” (Tradition 1), AA is nothing without the individual ‘person’.

As a new-comer, you are sure to hear the phrase, “It’s a selfish program” within your first 90 days. With that in mind, let’s enumerate the rights you have as an individual within AA or any similar 12-step program:

1 – You have the right to trust yourself and place your own emotional, physical, & spiritual well-being above all things; although you may truly believe that it is, indeed, ‘insanity’ (or the ‘insanity’ of your alcoholism, drug addiction, etc.) that brought you to the 12-Step community, and you may truly believe that only an external ‘higher power’ can save you — you must know that within you an inherent spark of goodness and rationality resides; you trusted your decision to turn to 12-Step — now trust that there is goodness within you & you can draw upon it.

2 – You have the right to protect your own emotional, physical, & spiritual well-being at any and all costs; in the course of your own recovery always remember: “Primum non nocere” — first, do no harm, least of all to yourself.

3 – You have the right to look with a critical eye & ear toward your own discourse, the discourse of the program in which you are involved, and the discourse of the groups you attend; it’s written & often noted aloud, “It’s a program of suggestions” — suggestions you can take or leave according to your own better judgment; truth is found only after long deliberation & it often changes with the passage of time.

4 – You have the right to believe or disbelieve anything you want; again, “It’s a program of suggestions” — only you will know what is ‘true’ for you … at any time or in any situation.

5 – You have the right to use discretion when speaking aloud — whether privately or in a meeting; you may be “as sick as your secrets” but you’re also as vulnerable as you allow yourself to be; choose your words & the venue in which you speak them aloud advisedly.

6 – You have the right to go at your own pace; it’s “A day at a time” right? nothing and no one can ‘make’ you ‘entirely ready’ to do anything; trust & have faith in yourself — any loving ‘higher power’ would grant you that gift first & foremost.

7 – You have the right to acknowledge & honor your own strengths — even while ‘asking for the removal of your shortcomings’; the simple act of asking for the ‘removal of your shortcomings’ takes more than simple humility; it takes great inner reserve & courage.

8 – You have the right to put yourself right at the top of the list of people you may have harmed & are willing to make amends to; the word ‘amend’ is a verb which means “to put things right”; get right with yourself first & getting right with others will be of far less effort.

9 – You have the right to trust yourself & your better judgment when it comes to ‘making amends’; sometimes the best way to make things right is to simply leave things as they are; sometimes a wish for someone’s health, happiness, & prosperity is far more appropriate than an overwrought, unwelcome letter of apology.

10 – You have the right not to be a doormat; there’s no better advice than, “Check your own damned self!”; still, your life & your actions are things to approach with joy & creativity; express sorrow & apology only when you feel that it’s the right thing to do — not for every tiny, unexpected blunder; you’re human for higher power’s sake! you’re going to f**k up sometimes & that’s just part of the human condition; chin up, smile, move on.

11 – You have the right embrace & practice your faith as you see fit, as well as the right not to do so; these days, even hard science is acknowledging the benefits of ‘mindful meditation’ … but I ain’t the boss of you and neither is your sponsor, your group, or the Big Book; if you’re staying sober and bringing good things to yourself and the people around you, then you’re doing the right thing … period.

12 – You have the right to share or withhold your experience, strength, & hope; helping people when they’re down (alcoholic, drug addict, what the hell ever) is just the right thing to do — when you’re strong enough & best able to do so; ‘carrying a message’ isn’t nearly the act of courage and compassion that the act of simply listening is; if you know that someone is hurting themselves then let them know that you know it; if you strongly suspect someone is seriously on the verge of taking their own life (through inadvertent or explicit actions) then it’s your legal duty to alert the authorities; don’t let anyone tell you that “You can’t keep a drunk/drug addict from killing themselves.  Only God can do that.”; you are your brothers’ keeper … deal with it.

I’m not holding my breath for the printing & distribution of a third ‘lampshade’.  But the above was written with sincerity, humility, and an earnest wish to offer strength and ease to any AA ‘new-comer’ … or any AA/12-Step member for that matter.  Acknowledge the divinity within yourself and you will be free.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

As I said, I think the above is wonderful -- well written and makes some great suggestions.  I don't see anything in it that contradicts what AA suggests, either (except that "selfish" thing in the opening, which I address at the bottom of this post) ... nor does it fly in the face of what I ever imagine any of my sponsors saying to me along the way, nor do I myself personally disagree with what it says.

I wish the "Stinkin' Thinkers" well, and as many of the commentors on their site have suggested, it's great that they found a way to be sober that worked for them, and they're doing a great service by sharing that with others who may be struggling with alcoholism.

I believe there are many paths to the top of the same mountain -- I give them a jaunty wave over there on theirs as I keep trudging along on mine.

Cheers!

Mr. SponsorPants

p.s. -- and they call "H.P." Hocus Pocus -- LOL I love that ... I am totally going to use that, even though I fear they might get mad at me for borrowing that, too.

p.p.s. -- some of the pro-AA commentors on their site are less than diplomatic, or downright argumentative.  I believe it is possible to state with passion your side of an argument without giving in to some of our lower impulses.  If any pro-12 Steppers visit the site and feel the need to comment I hope that it is done in the spirit which AA suggests we approach all such things:  With love and tolerance for others.  That, after all, is our code.

p.p.p.s. -- And a personal note to speedy0314:  It is a selfless program, not a selfish program -- I think that gets turned around a lot by people in an effort to suggest to someone new that making their sobriety a priority will help them stay sober, but in my experience in no way is AA a "selfish" program.

BB

The guy standing at the lectern was thanking his friend for "dragging him to the meeting" and "breaking his AA seclusion."  The occasion for this rare appearance was the celebration of more than 20 years sober.

Personally, I found him to be a terrific spiritual teacher, really helping me practice my patience, as he went on at great length.  Very great length.  Tremendous length.

He talked a long, long time.

He spoke of his wonderful life, and listed, in great detail, all of the wonderful, dynamic things he had done in the past 20+ years.

Of those many wonderful things, so lovingly cataloged, sadly he hadn't found time to sponsor anyone, or apparently do much in the way of service.  Or attend many meetings, once he got about a year sober.  But gosh, he sure did think it was a good idea for everyone else to do so.

He (finally) took his seat again, in the back row, and the meeting (finally) resumed.  I couldn't stop myself from watching him during the entire second half of the meeting, futzing with his iPhone and talking to the person next to him (our friend who'd brought him).  Thus he continued to teach me; about anger, and tolerance, and the difference between judgment that leads to character assassination versus judgment that identifies spiritual sickness.  He even renewed my lessons about restraint of pen.  And tongue.  And bitch slap.  By the end of the meeting it was as if he was my own, personal, spiritual guru! 

Later, a friend who had also been there asked me about what Mr. 20+ had said while at the lectern, and his performance in the back row (which my friend had seen me fail to ignore).

"Oh, well, when I hear someone like that, and then I see them doing what he did, I try to think to myself, 'Ah, now I understand -- they're in BB.'"

"BB?" my friend asked, "What's BB?"

"I don't know," I answered, "but it's not AA."

comparing your insides to...

ring

ring

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"Hi Mr. SponsorPants."

"Oh, hi Techman, what's up?  You don't sound exactly chipper."

"Well, I was poking around online and ... I found the MySpace page of an old friend from college."

"Ooookay. And ... ?"

"And... just ... man, he's got this great life, all these amazing friends..."

Techman goes on for several minutes describing all the glittering achievements his old college chum has on his MySpace page. Finally, I interrupt.

 "Techman, what ... I mean, do you have a question or, I mean, what's the point please?"

"I'm not sure" he replied.  "I'm kinda freaking out about this, I can't let it go, so..."

Long pause. I lead the witness. 

"So...?"

"So I guess I was wondering what your take was."

"My take."

"Yeah.  Like, what should I ... I don't know, just..."

You could almost hear the shrug as he trailed off.

"Hmmm.  Well, I think this is great."

"It's great?"

"Yeah.  Now, everytime you want to feel shitty about your life, but you look around with sober eyes and can't find a good reason to, you can go to this guy's webpage, and that'll do the trick."

He laughs.  I go on.

"Techman, you know that expression, don't compare your insides to other people's outsides?"

"Yeah."

"Well you just came up with a new twist."

"I did?"

"Yeah.  Don't compare your insides to other people's MySpace pages."

"Nothing pays off like..."

"Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint.  This carries a top priority rating.  When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot.  One unkind tirade or one willful snap judgment can ruin our relation with another person for a whole day, or maybe a whole year.  Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen." -- "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" (AA's 12&12) Step 10, pg. 91.

Such a well loved quote, and so often accompanied by rueful chuckles when someone shares in a meeting about whatever their particular challenges may be in practicing this bit of wisdom, this "... restraint of tongue and pen."

As an addendum to the spirit of the above, I would humbly add to this wise and helpful sentiment three words which I learned the hard way (as so many of my lessons have come to me) over the past several years:

Don't. Click. Send.