I'm pretty sure I was born an alcoholic.
As much native intelligence the good lord might have blessed me with,
(and however much that might be or once was is certainly open for vigorous debate)
knowing how to stay sober wasn't in the original programming.
I hear people share in AA meetings fairly often that they felt,
when they were young,
like everyone else just "knew how to live"
That they did not arrive on Earth with the
Instructions for Living.
The inference, often, is that this is common among alcoholics and perhaps
unique to us as a class.
I don't fully agree with that idea.
I think that wanders perilously close to "I'm a special snowflake" territory.
Personally, I believe
feeling like everyone else knows what they're doing and you're just faking it is
part of the human condition.
What makes us -- or marks us -- as alcoholics is that
drinking "solved" how that felt.
speaking for myself, ('bout time!)
I had an addictive bent from the very beginning, and once I started drinking it was
I felt both special and dishonest,
fancy and phony:
a rented luxury car with bad brakes.
My drinking "career" (as we say)
contained episodes which felt
glamorous and repulsive all at once,
like seeing a beautiful naked body in the water and then realizing
it's a freshly drowned corpse.
The way I lived as a drinking alcoholic titillated me.
The way I lived as a drinking alcoholic disgusted me.
I felt so very clever with all my lies.
I felt so desperately ashamed of all my lies.
For pretty much every alcoholic I've every spoken to,
drinking felt like it solved
while it ruined
But drinking was part of the original programming.
That I knew how to do from the onset.
Like I said, I am pretty sure I was
born a drunk.
But not drinking? Living sober? That almost magical (sometimes. no, really.) state which feels
both special and plain,
like thick clean socks slipped onto bone cold feet?
As simple as it is:
just... don't drink! (Riiiiiight...)
that's been a totally
And some days, man,
that learning curve is