when I pray,
I am asking God to actually show up in my life - to be a for real thing;
a kind of tangible intangible.
I don't need God
to be a noun.
An idea. I need God
to be a verb. A force.
Not in a supernatural way, like a burning bush or magic bees (but still, that would be so cool), but in the gritty, substantive way of getting into my bones.
God, I'm asking: Please take up space and make some noise.
I'm not even afraid of that request anymore
(well... hardly even).
That's an old idea, anyway, that God making some noise in my life would result in something to be afraid of.
Result in hardship? Sometimes. Maybe.
Change? Very probably.
But it's my resistance to those things (however human and natural that resistance might be) which creates the pain. I actively reject (I mean it!) the idea of some harsh task master of a God who gives hard lessons to punish me for falling short or beats me into improving.
We are surrounded by messages which exhort us to Go! Do! Achieve! Seize the day!
I have come to believe that the day often has some sharp edges to it.
Seizing the day can get you cut up, sometimes.
What if being so busy doing (achieving! earning!) what I am told I deserve (I deserve it!) is like a
What if the hypnosis of the hamster wheel keeps me too spun to accept Divine assistance with actual for real down-in-my-gut, change?
Rather than try to seize the day,
rather than be consumed with my petty successes and failures, measured on a yardstick which doesn't even actually exist,
it's better to reach for a God who is (for real) working from my inside
That God is a real.