Sober Texting 12

 

 

FORMER SPONSEE:  I don't believe in God anymore.

MR. SPONSORPANTS:  Man, you have a helluva way of saying 'hello.'

FS:  Well I don't.

MR. SP:  Ok.

 

A few minutes go by.

 

FS:  Don't you want to know why?

MR. SP:  No.

More minutes pass.

 

FS:  It's because of everything that happened.

I consider several responses and decide on short and completely honest.  I suppose the word "blunt" is not entirely inaccurate.

MR. SP:  Maybe.

FS:  Maybe?  What the hell does that mean?

MR. SP:  Look, I don't want to play, ok?

FS:  No, tell me what you mean.

MR. SP:  You want to make a speech about God and fairness and ask 'why' a lot and then when I say what I always say -- which is that logic alone will not get you to faith, and if a rigid logic is all you have in times of doubt it will fail you -- then you'll argue with me saying "yeah but..." a lot.

FS:  Wow you sure think you know it all.

MR. SP:  Then you will want to use all of that as a rationalization to do whatever you decided you wanted to do before you ever picked up your phone and texted me.

FS: You know what you are?

MR. SP: Besides fat, middle-aged and tired?

FS:  Funny  Always so funny.  You're arrogant, that's what you are.

MR. SP:  You know, this little back and forth has been great, but I'm going to say goodbye now.

 

I turned off my phone.  It had been a long day and I was tired.  I reserve the right to be totally wrong about every thing I texted.  Ultimately, in my experience, they are an angry individual and I pray for them, but I did my time.  I don't have to dance with them anymore, and I have no more answers and as many doubts and questions as anyone, most days.

Especially these past few days.

But I know that no matter what happens in the world, there is a part of me, beyond the parts of me which are griefstricken or awestruck or amazed or disgusted, which will genuinely use anything at all to justify doing what I secretly really want to do.

And that part of me is the part which is infused with my alcoholism, and whatever doubts or questions I may have on any given day I must guard against that part being the only part making decisions about my actions.

So I guess that, then, is also evidence of something Greater than myself -- some sort of Grace -- since on my own that part is indeed calling the shots, since in the darkest corners of me it's what I want.

This all may read silly but it feels messy and it lives real.

 

Comments

[Kary May]

Yes, it does read real and that's what life is, messy, sometimes cruel and often heartbreaking. Some days there are no answers, there is only faith.