FORMER SPONSEE: I don't believe in God anymore.
MR. SPONSORPANTS: Man, you have a helluva way of saying 'hello.'
FS: Well I don't.
MR. SP: Ok.
A few minutes go by.
FS: Don't you want to know why?
MR. SP: No.
More minutes pass.
FS: It's because of everything that happened.
I consider several responses and decide on short and completely honest. I suppose the word "blunt" is not entirely inaccurate.
MR. SP: Maybe.
FS: Maybe? What the hell does that mean?
MR. SP: Look, I don't want to play, ok?
FS: No, tell me what you mean.
MR. SP: You want to make a speech about God and fairness and ask 'why' a lot and then when I say what I always say -- which is that logic alone will not get you to faith, and if a rigid logic is all you have in times of doubt it will fail you -- then you'll argue with me saying "yeah but..." a lot.
FS: Wow you sure think you know it all.
MR. SP: Then you will want to use all of that as a rationalization to do whatever you decided you wanted to do before you ever picked up your phone and texted me.
FS: You know what you are?
MR. SP: Besides fat, middle-aged and tired?
FS: Funny Always so funny. You're arrogant, that's what you are.
MR. SP: You know, this little back and forth has been great, but I'm going to say goodbye now.
I turned off my phone. It had been a long day and I was tired. I reserve the right to be totally wrong about every thing I texted. Ultimately, in my experience, they are an angry individual and I pray for them, but I did my time. I don't have to dance with them anymore, and I have no more answers and as many doubts and questions as anyone, most days.
Especially these past few days.
But I know that no matter what happens in the world, there is a part of me, beyond the parts of me which are griefstricken or awestruck or amazed or disgusted, which will genuinely use anything at all to justify doing what I secretly really want to do.
And that part of me is the part which is infused with my alcoholism, and whatever doubts or questions I may have on any given day I must guard against that part being the only part making decisions about my actions.
So I guess that, then, is also evidence of something Greater than myself -- some sort of Grace -- since on my own that part is indeed calling the shots, since in the darkest corners of me it's what I want.
This all may read silly but it feels messy and it lives real.