I was busily chastising myself in my head over something -- a favorite pastime (since it's really a form of self obsession and what alcoholic doesn't enjoy that ?) -- when something struck me.
I'm always going to shut down.
That is, my fear and my ego will always trigger that sort of hunker down, duck-and-cover, retreat behind the walls reaction; over and over again. It's a part of the wiring. Alcoholics don't own this of course, we just spend a lot of time thinking about ourselves and that makes us maybe more vulnerable to it.
So... if it is part of my wiring -- a default setting I guess -- it's pointless to spend too much time beating myself up over it.
The trick, maybe, is to worry a little less about shutting down, and direct more energy to opening right back up again.
Just a thought.