opening right back up again

 

 

I was busily chastising myself in my head over something -- a favorite pastime (since it's really a form of self obsession and what alcoholic doesn't enjoy that ?) -- when something struck me.

I'm always going to shut down. 

That is, my fear and my ego will always trigger that sort of hunker down, duck-and-cover, retreat behind the walls reaction; over and over again.  It's a part of the wiring.  Alcoholics don't own this of course, we just spend a lot of time thinking about ourselves and that makes us maybe more vulnerable to it.

So... if it is part of my wiring -- a default setting I guess -- it's pointless to spend too much time beating myself up over it.

The trick, maybe, is to worry a little less about shutting down, and direct more energy to opening right back up again.

 

Just a thought.

Comments

[Luna]

This is why I love Mr.SP. No BS, meat and potatoes sobriety. The internal itch that was convincing me to hide in my cave has mysteriously lifted because of the last several posts.

My Forgetter was working at full speed. Thank you Mr SP

[Tricia C.]

Exactly! I try to steer clear of "always" and "never" but I have come to accept some things about myself. It is what it is ... for now. Some of them are just human nature. If I want to change I focus on the opposite behavior and give myself a little "atta girl" for being aware of my stumble and perhaps even correct it.
Example. The other day I saw someone's picture of their place that made me so jealous. I instantly thought "They don't deserve that, I do." A breath later the "Tricia, that wasn't cool." voice chimed in. "You are no more deserving than anyone else and you shouldn't judge." Seriously. I watched it happen.
I've always wanted someone in my life who would watch over me when I was being a schmuck. Life got significantly better when I decided to take the job myself.