Mr. SponsorPants

punishing/rewarding -- as always, I speak only for myself here. my experience, my thoughts, my journey.

 

 

"...and eventually, I had to let go of the idea of a 'punishing' God..." the speaker was discussing their experience with the 11th Step, and when they shared this many heads in the room nodded a little, affirming their own journey along similar lines.

When they said it though, I was struck that while I, too, had crossed that same bridge -- identifying where in my attitudes I met the idea of a Higher Power with mistrust or fear -- the next step for me was to let go of the idea of a rewarding God as well. (Which, rather than meeting the idea of HP with fear, is about meeting God with expectations and an attempt to control It ).

In many ways, it was more frightening to let go of the idea of a God who would reward me than it was challenging to let go of the idea of a God who would punish me.  (I'm always looking for a way to control, a pay out or a guarantee.)

The recipe analogy came to mind:  I follow the steps in a cake recipe, and I wind up baking a cake.  But at the end of that process I don't pull the cake out of the oven and go "Oh! I've been such a good dooby, following this recipe as its written, that the Oven God rewarded me with a cake!"  I followed a process and I got a result. 

For me, AA's recipe is similarly devoid of "reward." (Though in a more poetic mood I can certainly use that term to illustrate some of the gratitude I feel for the life I have today.)  It's pretty straightforward, actually -- I follow the Steps, and live by AA's principles, and I get a specific result:  A spiritual experience which allows me to stay sober on a daily basis.  Additional benefits are a quiet(er) mind and a more open heart -- and perhaps a way of being which might maximize certain opportunities -- but that's just (forgive me) the frosting on the cake.  For me, it's not God "rewarding" me for doing AA.

(Because if I'm living with an idea of a Higher Power who is supposed to reward me for being good/sober, and then They don't... or They don't do it the way I think They should... well then, eventually, I'm in a lot of trouble.)

 

 

 

Shooters -- Quick shots from Meetings: Being kind to myself

 

 

"There is a direct relationship between

how kind I am to others and

how kind I am able to be to myself."

 

__________________________________________________

 

"For a long time in my life, if you had asked me about being 'kind' to myself, I would have given you an answer that involved some kind of pampering, or rule breaking, or entitlement.  Today it means something very different to me:  It means thinking through how I'm going to feel before I do something questionable, or paying attention to how I speak to myself in my head... or also it means saying 'no' to myself when King Baby wants what King Baby wants."

 

__________________________________________________

 

 

"Sometimes the greatest kindness I can offer myself is to throw myself into service -- to get out of myself.  To kind of give me a break from Me.  I know I've been exhausting to other people in my life... now in sobriety sometimes I'm even exhausting to me."

 

 

reasons

 

 

 

 

 

Cracked me up.

But I was reminded recently of when I was newly sober, and people would come back from a relapse and list -- either in conversation or when they shared -- "why" they drank.  My dead sponsor (he's who's wise counsel I miss every single day) would lean over to me and whisper, "Bullshit.  They drank because they're an alcoholic."  Needless to say I would be scandalized and hope that no one heard his rude remark.  He was wise, but towards the end he was extra salty.

I was then (and am now) of two minds on that subject.  On the one hand, I think it can be useful to perform an "autopsy" on a relapse.  (Apt choice or words; if you don't perform one on the relapse someone may perform one on you, eh?).  If, when people come back, rehab counselors and well-meaning AA's will ask "what are you going to do differently this time?" then it's fair to say that one should identify what they did/didn't do which let alcoholism roll that "curious mental fog" back in -- which fuzzes our thinking to a degree that makes picking up a drink acceptable (regardless of all the horrible things which happened before).

On the other hand, I think my dead sponsor was dead on.  At the end of the day, we drink because we're alcoholics.  We come up with a smoke screen of reasons either trivial or artificial, fueled by resentment or insanity (often both), but we pick up a drink because we have a disease which seduces and compels us to do so.

A disease from which I have only a daily reprieve -- and that only if I take regular doses of my AA "medicine."  (That's my truth.  If you have a different truth, that's great.  Just because you're not on my path doesn't mean you're lost -- but if you're really an alcoholic, be careful.  Sometimes our thinking is not to be trusted, and going it alone is like telling your doctor "Cancer? Ok. Thanks, but I can take care of it myself."  Serious illness needs serious assistance in treating it).

 

when no one is watching

 

 

Over the course of my life, many good people tried to help me become a person of integrity -- and man, did I want to be one.  But I wanted what I wanted more than I wanted to do the "right" thing.  (And secretly, I always thought the "right" thing was kind of dull).  It wasn't until AA offered me a design for living -- through many people mostly showing me what to do, not telling me what to do -- that I was able to become a man of integrity -- or at least, a man of integrity to the best of my ability (which most days is pretty darn good).

And it's a lot easier to stay sober when I feel good about myself.

Sober Texting 10

 

Sponsee:  Just checking in.

Mr. SponsorPants: Ok.

Sponsee: Not going to make the meeting tomorrow.

Mr. SP: Oh?

Sponsee:  Yeah. Just no time.

Mr. SP: Oh?

Sponsee: Yeah. A lot going on.

Mr. SP: Oh?

Sponsee:  Is that all you are going to say? "Oh?"

Mr. SP: No.

a minute goes by

Sponsee: Well?

Mr. SP: Didn't you once tell me you drove across town in the rain to find a certain bar?

Sponsee: Yes.  Think so.

Mr. SP:  And it was night?

Sponsee: Yes.

Mr. SP: And you had one headlight?

several minutes go by

Sponsee: I see what you are doing.

Mr. SP:  And you had one headlight?

Sponsee: Yes!

Mr. SP: And your license was expired?

Sponsee: Yes. Ok.

Mr. SP: And you had a bench warrant out for a Failure to Appear?

Sponsee:  Yes! Yes! Ok! I will go to a meeting!

Mr. SP:  Oh, don't go on my account.

Sponsee:  F.U.

Mr. SP:  :-)

 

Speaking for myself, if I put even half the effort in to getting to meetings that I did to get a drink, I can always find time for a meeting.

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. An ongoing series.

 

 

One definition of serenity is to be at peace with un-answered questions.  Some days, that state is *just* out of reach for me.  But prayer can bridge that distance. (If, in the moment, I remember to pray, damnit!)

 

There is not only power to be found by being in the moment, but peace as well.

 

Sometimes it is the knowledge that I will have to make amends to a particular person which prevents me from taking certain actions.  For me, this a completely valid form of behavior modification.

 

You can try and talk yourself out of it.  You can doubt or diminish or deny, but the fact is, if at any time you've had a real spiritual experience -- a moment where some benevolent Something touched you, or spoke to you, or steered you clear of the rocks -- and you have -- then you know there is more to this life than the petty contest you keep trying to turn it into.  With Ego's endless scorekeeping, Fear's constant thwarting wail and King Baby's red-faced tantrums and ultimatums, you can forgive yourself for how easily you lose that knowledge.  But you've had that experience, so you know a Great Something True; and if you can remember it, even a little bit, in the midst of all the Ego/Fear/King Baby bullshit, then you'll never completely lose sight of what's important.  (I took a few minutes at work today and wrote that to myself and it was of no little help in the moment, so I thought sharing it here seemed appropriate.)