Hi there! It's Mr. SponsorPants' alcoholism here. He's not paying any attention right now, absorbed in trying to help one of his little projects -- as if, right? -- so I thought I'd take this advantage and step up to the mic.
With all the nauseating focus on gratitude this month, I thought it would be most instructive if I offered a way to avoid it. After all, if you're busy being grateful then you're not taking care of Number One, right? And no one's going to take care of you if you don't right? (HP? Puh-lease. I thought you were too old for fairy tales...)
So here, without fanfare, is my helpful little list entitled:
How Not To Be Grateful
1. Focus on the things you don't have.
2. Compare what you do have to what other people have.
3. Remember, you never know when you'll run out of something, so stop giving.
4. Time is the most precious commodity there is -- and tomorrow you could get run over by a truck! -- so don't spend it on anyone but yourself.
5. Watch lots of television about rich people behaving badly (and there are so many wonderful choices, too!).
6. Dwell on all the things that didn't work out the way you hoped, (but don't look past that point to when things might have worked out even better than you planned).
7. Spend quality time comparing yourself to images in advertisements. (This is especially good to do either right out of the shower or while sitting in traffic).
8. Reflect on every time you've ever been rejected. (Don't forget to include professional rejections as well as personal ones!).
9. Stop reading anything which might turn your attention to some sort of so called "Higher Power."
10. Avoid 12 Step Meetings at all costs.
There you go! Just do that and it should keep you free of that ticky tacky treacle, "gratitude" which everyone goes on and on and on about this month.
No, no... don't thank me.
It's my pleasure.