One of the nicest things about the 10th Step for me (Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it) is that after I learned how to promptly admit when I am, I learned how to not admit when in fact I'm not.
In other words, I used to admit I was wrong to diffuse a situation, or to avoid confrontation, or to placate, or in a passive-aggressive feint to try and manipulate the other person into admitting they're wrong. (twisted!)
But once I began admitting when I was really wrong, the not-reallly-wrong's admission didn't fit me anymore. Various stressers would occur and the coping mechanism would kick in and I would have the impulse to admit/apologize, but a little voice (that infamous, ubiquitous little voice) would sort of pipe up and go, "Hey! Waitaminute!"
There were -- there are -- plenty of times when I was/still am wrong.
Yet I find that after practicing these principles in all my affairs to the best of my ability, there are now a good number of occasions when I'm not. At one time it was the easiest thing in the world to take blame and apologize for things I didn't do -- but the funny thing is, after you experience how clean it feels to admit when you're truly in the wrong it actually feels dirty to admit you're wrong when it looks like you're not.
Thanks to inventory work I'm healthier than that today.
(Well, most days.)
We say "work the Steps" and it can sound daunting -- but the experience of many, many people in recovery is that if you stay the course it is worth it in ways you can't see from wherever you're currently standing.
Cheers!
I really identify with taking the blame to diffuse a situation. Never actually had words for it before. Awareness, acceptance, action. Thanks Mr SP, I'll be pondering that this week.
Posted by: Peggy | October 25, 2011 at 06:46 AM
Food for thought. Excellent graphic too. Many thanks.
Posted by: divalolo | October 25, 2011 at 08:00 AM
I'm not doing AA or anything but would love to do the steps alone at home, give it a go. Does anyone know if there is a website where you can go through them and give tips on how to?
Posted by: Mrs D | October 25, 2011 at 06:29 PM
I discovered this tendency in myself too while working Step 4. Placating, keeping the peace - all stemming from a fear of abandonment. When I stopped looking for love and happiness outside of myself, I started to acknowledge and respect my own worth...and am now less inclined to accept blame needlessly. Progress, not perfection!
Posted by: Cyndi | October 25, 2011 at 07:02 PM
Mrs D,
xa-speakers.org has joe and charlie tapes that can take you through the steps with clear cut directions
Posted by: ~LOVE~ | June 10, 2012 at 10:27 PM