when I drill down a little bit: don't expect hungry babies not to cry

 

Often, when I am writing the Resentment part of a 4th Step/Inventory, in the 4th column -- the "my part" in the resentment -- one of the things I write is "unrealistic expectations of other people."  (Since that's what is often at the root of a resentment for me today.)

The shorthand for this in my head sometimes is "don't expect hungry babies not to cry."  (That's not a reference to sponsees -- personally I don't call my sponsees "babies."  It's a common term in some of the meetings I go to, and it is not used in a pejorative fashion -- nothing wrong with it.  Just not my style is all.)  But when I say that to myself about hungry babies, it's along the lines of "Well what did you expect, Mr. SponsorPants? This particular reaction from a person in this state is totally understandable/predictable/sadly-not-that-unusual.  Hungry babies cry.  Frightened people lash out.  etc. Remember and deal."

Lately, when I drill down a little bit, I can see that underneath the 'unrealistic expectations of others' is the nearly unconscious idea that people should/would react the way I would if I were in that situation -- it's almost as if I'm surprised and disappointed when they don't.  (Again this is somewhat unconsious. It's an attitude lurking underneath my thinking.)

This is of course a subtly ego-based way of looking at the world.  (And quite possibly further proof of my arrested development, since I imagine this is a pretty infantile stage of ego development.)

But even as I write this it occurs to me that there's some arrogance in there as well.  Sort of a murky thread running through this attitude, along the lines of "If I were a hungry baby, I certainly wouldn't cry."  When in fact there's a body of evidence from my alcoholic behavior that not only would I cry, but I would cry the loudest!  And try to put a pillow over the baby in the next crib to boot!

What's the point of all this inventory taking, this writing, this ongoing self examination?  Clarity.  Which both makes it easier for me to be compassionate towards those I resent (since I am then potentially able to identify with them) and also helps me not be overwhelmed by my resentments, since by mapping them out in this way I can see their roots and understand what makes them tick.

**sigh**

Self examination is always enlightening, occasionally entertaining (though not in this case I'm afraid) but very rarely enjoyable.

 

Comments

[Tricia C]

This is my most glaring and frequently acted out character defect. Expectations of others, judging others, expecting them to "get it, just do it, get over it" ... on and on. The ego is forefront and the arrogance is dripping out of every pore. It is unfortunately the most difficult and slowest to change as well. I see it, but I just can't seem to turn it off. Awareness ... yes, acceptance... yes, change? Not so much. Working on it though. Thanks for the great reminder.

[Michelle]

....but necessary. **sigh**

[Jeff]

Thank you Mr SP, your blog is awesome and very helpful! Today, I'd like to comment on Tricia C's comment. I so identified with what she said: "awareness… yes, acceptance… yes, change? Not so much." This is exactly how I'm feeling about some of my character defects these days. I take them to God via the 7th step; but, I don't see much, if any, improvement these days. :(. Any advice?

[Thecirclegameofsobriety.wordpress.com]

SP - It took me a long time to realize my unrealistic expectations of others. Lurking underneath was my persistent to desire to control, after all, I know how things "should" be and if we do them that way, the world will be a better place. EGO talking. Working the 4th step helped me immeasurably when I put myself on the list. Do I have unrealistic expectations of myself? Yep. So why beat myself up over unrealistic expectations. If I can practice kindness and compassion for myself, I can then extend that towards others. Thanks for your post.

[Bobby D.]

"Change? Not so much."
LOL. I can relate. And beat myself up. And (oh boy) wonder why GOD doesn't seem to be in a big hurry to remove my character defects!

But then I remember what a good friend of mine says: "If I pray, asking God to remove a character defect and it doesn't go away, then there's either something wrong with my prayer, or something wrong with my willingness to let it go!"

Then I have to remember that "God's time" to remove that character defect was a LONG time ago! He doesn't want me to suffer, and tries every way He can to get me to let go so He can fix me.

Thanks for the reminder. I needed that today!

[Diamond Core Drill]

Yes..Most of the people have this problem..Including me..But i always try to control my ego..Because i know the level it hurts others..Thanks for reminding me again..