Mr. SponsorPants

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. An ongoing series.

 

All day today I watched people "hear" a tone in someone's answer to them which, to my ear, really and truly wasn't there.  It struck me what poor communicators humans seem to be.  How "ready to be wronged" so many of us are.  How people often create a conflict that doesn't exist by believing they are already in conflict with someone.  In the Big Book, around the discussion of the 4th Step, it talks about how "we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate, seemingly without provocation."  Alcoholics most definitely aren't the only ones who do this.  But we sure are good at it.

 

It's not that "mean people suck" as the bumper sticker puts it.  It's that "mean people are sick."  Either way, they're no fun to deal with.  But the latter can help me remember it's not about me.  And maybe reach for some compassion as well.  (Bit of a reach, some days.  Bit of a reach.)

 

I am much happier when I stop thinking about who I'm supposed to be and just be.

 

Nobody's perfect.

 

And again, because it never gets old:  If I don't drink or use or kill myself by the time my head hits the pillow at night I win.  And the rest of this shit will just have to work itself out tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

I try to take each day

 

 

I try to take each day

One Day at a Time.

But sometimes

a bunch of them gang up on me.

 

 

via the 12 Steps

 

To know that you are a prisoner of your mind, that you live in an imaginary world of your own creation is the dawn of wisdom.

— Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

 

I think Sri's got a point there, but I'm happy to report that, via the 12 Steps, sometimes my mind gives me time off for good behavior.

-- Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

but I know what to do about it

 

Generally true:

... but I know what to do about it.

 

stop thinking of what could go wrong

 

 

 

Questions via Email: AA makes me want to drink (I think)

 

 

Hi Mr. Sponsorpants,

I just came back from a very lovely, cosy AA meeting in my home city in the UK.   Nice people, comfy chairs.  I am definitely an alcoholic.  No doubt.  Stayed sober for 3 months without much hassle.  Relapsed 2 weeks ago for a few eventful days, most of which I can’t remember.  When sober, 90% of the time I don’t even think about drinking.  After an AA meeting, listening to people talking about drinking, drinking, drinking, Alcohol, as soon as I get home, I have a huge urge to drink.  I am scared not to go to meetings because according to the old timers, I will drink.  I am scared to go to the meetings because from experience, after  meetings I want to drink.  (not always but more often than not I think about it)

 Maybe I am making my sobriety much tougher than necessary thinking that it depends on AA.  We are all made of different components.  Could it be counter effective for some of us?  The truth please!

 Regards,

 T

 

Dear T,

First off... comfy chairs?  What the hell?  I've been sitting on dreadful folding metal chairs (about as comfortable as something purchased at a waterboarding equipment after-market sale) for all these years!  You have comfy chairs in your UK meetings?  Damn you, Sir or Madame!  Damn you and your comfy chairs all to hell!

Now then, about AA being "counter effective" for some of us.  Us as in "real alcoholics" us?  And you want the truth?

The truth is that I am not an expert.  I have no idea.  I'm not dodging your question nor am I trying to conceal some Hidden Truth we long timers in AA learn after getting our 20 year chip (God, it would be so cool if AA had some kind of cabalistic Hidden Truth you get to after a while.  I imagine it would be concealed in a Codex entitled "The Secret Writings of Lois Wilson" and to access it you must face Akron, Ohio at 12:12am and place your 20 year chip against the indentation at the top of the ... no.  Wait.  Isn't that a scene from "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom"?)

The truth is... maybe.  I suppose it's possible.

As I'm sure you know, one of the things about the mental component of alcoholism is that it seems to cloud our thinking to the point where drinking, regardless of what has happened to us when we drank before, appears to be a good idea again.  So in my experience, when people say "if you don't go to AA you're going to drink" that is because that has proven true for them -- or they believe it to be true for them.  (I believe that is true for me.)  In other words, AA helps them (me) remember what happens when I drink (that's only one facet of course, and a bit of a simplification, but it will do for now).

But the spirit of this idea is that, if you have the disease of alcoholism you will not be able to stay sober on your unaided willpower alone.  Without something to help you stay sober the consequences of what happens when you pick up a drink will not be present in your mind with enough force to deter you from going ahead and picking up a drink again.  Just like if you had any other chronic medical condition you would need help and medicine to treat it -- you couldn't just conquer it with your will.  "It seems that I have asthma.  But you know what?  The next time I feel an asthma attack coming on I'm just going to decide to breathe normally!  That's all.  I mean, I'm breathing normally now, right?  In fact, I breathe normally 90% of the time."  Yeah, good luck with that plan. 

So... is there "something else" which can help you stay sober, other than AA?  There are certainly lots of people who are anti-AA out there, and they make for a strong presence in some corners of the Internet.  I confess I've not read every single word of what they've written (and saying "they" is painting with a ridiculously broad brush, I grant you) but while there is tremendous intensity and a lot of detailed critique in their negative feelings about AA, in my cursory examination I've not seen a lot of actual, specific suggestions about how to stay sober beyond "just don't drink."  And again, I want to stress that information may be there and I just haven't really seen it.

For me there are degrees of thinking about drinking.  The thought of a drink can occur, but I don't have to invite it to sit down (in a comfy chair!) and put its feet up, serve it a cuppa and chat it up for a while.  Thinking is not necessarily the desire.  And the desire is not the same as the obsession.  Are you indulging these thoughts, T?  When you get home from the meeting and you start thinking about drinking do you call anyone?  Write?  Pray?  Jog?  Eat?  Anything? 

AA works for me.  When I hear people talk about drinking in meetings it is not a glorification so much as a description which I can identify with -- and not just with the drinking but with the inevitable slide downwards which accompanies it (in whatever form that takes).

But AA is a lot more than sitting in a comfy chair (damn you!) and listening to people's stories. 

Big Book?  Steps?  Sponsor?  Hello?

The general consensus from an awful lot of corners (medical, psychiatric, religious, 12 Step, etc.) is that some kind of ongoing assistance is pretty important for an addict if they want to stay clean.

All I have is your email to work from, but you seem to minimize the fact that you were pretty much in a blackout for 72 hours.  I wouldn't presume to agree with you that you're an alcoho -- oh, the hell with that, I certainly will presume it.  A 72 hour blackout, T?  A few "eventful days" as you so coyly describe it?  Just puttering around the garden shed were we, and lost track of time?

Please.

It is good -- no, it's great -- that you say "I am definitely an alcoholic.  No doubt."  That certainty is a solid beginning.  But there's a reason there are 12 Steps.  It's not a one step program.  Or, to drag that damned Big Book into it again, "self knowledge avails us nothing."  Knowing you're an alcoholic is not nearly enough to help you stay sober.  Just like knowing you have fair skin and sunburn easily will not actually prevent you from getting a sunburn.

There are 12 Steps because it is a process.  Just like to make a cake a recipe might have 7 steps, to make a spiritual experience of the AA variety requires an alcoholic to take all 12 Steps.  And without a spiritual experience -- a "psychic upheaval" as Dr. Jung called it -- (be it gradual or the more rare thunderbolt kind) according to AA, and the personal experience of many people who have come to AA -- and my own personal experience -- staying sober is a bit of a longshot for a real alcoholic.

I would urge you to try all of the AA program before you decide it's not for you.

I would urge you to bring an uncomfortable folding metal chair to your meetings and sit in it.  I doubt it will do anything to help you stay sober, but why should I be the only one suffering.

Are you "making your sobriety tougher than necessary thinking it depends on AA?"

I have no idea.

I don't know if AA is counter effective for you.

All I can tell you is that it has definitely worked for me.

Try going without it, and if you're fairly happy and don't have any more 72 hour blackouts then I guess you were right, and we'll both have learned something.

You'll forgive me, I hope, if I let you learn that lesson on your own, rather than join you.

 

Good luck,

Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

Questions via Email: Unwanted attention from an "older" (long term sobriety) member

 

Dear Mr. Sponsorpants,

I have been attending AA since late 2010. As of today I am working towards six months of sobriety and the obsession has been lifted. I look forward to AA meetings and attend at least one a day. I am a woman and lately I've been finding myself not going to certain meetings in order to avoid certain men. One in particular. He has long-term sobriety so I thought I could trust him. But when I took a chip recently he bought me jewelery. I accepted the gift in the moment because other people were around, but I have no intention of keeping it and am waiting for a good time to return it - but I don't want to see him in a social situation so it is looking like returning them after a meeting is my only option. I don't know how to do this though. I feel like by taking them I have led him on. My sponsor said just to return them and to tell him that his gift was inappropriate. While that is true, it is easier said than done for me - especially since weeks have gone by. He texts me almost daily (I know - how did he get my number? my sponsor asked the same question. All I can say is that he caught me off guard and in that moment I thought that since he was a respected member, I could trust him) and he waits for me after every meeting to give me a hug. It makes me really uncomfortable - both because what he is doing is completely inappropriate (I'm far too early in my sobriety and he knows that and is likely preying upon it on some level) and because the thought of having to tell him to leave me alone (I've tried just ignoring him, but it hasn't worked) causes me great anxiety. My sponsor has offered to ask one of his friends to speak with him, but I think I have to do it myself. I have a great home group which I am very comfortable at, but I am thinking of trying other meetings around the city simply to avoid this situation (how alcoholic of me!).....any advice would be much appreciated!

 

Thank you for your time,

C.

 

Dear C,

You did a great job outlining a difficult situation, and it sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders.  An alcoholic head, sure, or meetings might not click for you the way they do, but a good one none-the-less.

You already have your answer, C -- and you know it.  And while I do not think God gives us "lessons" like some pinch lipped prarie school marm, I do believe that we are presented with situations which are actually opportunities to do what we need to so we can grow as we're meant to.  So this: "My sponsor has offered to ask one of his friends to speak with him, but I think I have to do it myself" positively shouts to me that the Little Voice inside we all strive to tune in to is, in this case, being received loud and clear by you.

I have some specific suggestions (of course!) and some things you might want to consider (don't I always!).

This guy is in the wrong.  What he is doing is absolutely not good AA -- bad for you -- and terrible for him  Ultimately the harm he does himself in this is far greater -- but there's no fool like an old fool.  In no way am I minimizing your uncomfortability or what is clearly a level of attention that has mixed and murky motives, but it's worth reminding ourselves that people can be chatty and social on the outside and very lonely inside.  While it's possible for any person to be blind to their real motives, alcoholics are especially skilled at "hiding a bad motive under a good one" as it says in the 12&12 -- and quite often hiding them from ourselves, first.  Life is rarely a Lifetime movie, and one sorry, besotted old fool does not a full-on stalker/predator make.  (Yes, I know it could make one.  But that doesn't mean it will make one.)

So if you try and bring some compassion to bear in how you view him and what he's doing -- and this is NOT an excuse for him, merely something to consider -- seeing these actions as born of loneliness and fear might help you in speaking up to him and drawing some boundaries.  I understand fear because I have dealt with it so much -- thus, when I need to deal with someone who at first makes me uncomfortable, if I can identify what about their behavior is driven by their fear, it makes approaching them a little easier, as they go from kind of scary-bad to a little sorry-sad.

I don't see any error on your part when it comes to him having your phone number or you not being quick to return his gift.  Dear God, girl, you're a walking miracle, in the beginning of your sobriety, going to meetings and trying to build a foundation in recovery!  A little foot dragging on something that would be difficult for anyone to handle is completely natural.

But... now you are clear in what you need to do.  You need to return the gift and tell him that the level of attention he is showing you is not okay with you.

The time for the dragging of the feet is over.

So you bring the jewelery to the meeting and tell him you need to speak to him.  No more dithering about when you're going to do it or how to meet him.  Part of the problem is he's around more than you want.  Meeting him is hardly the issue.

You return the gift and you say "Thank you, but I cannot and I will not accept this gift.  It is too much and I am not at all comfortable keeping it."  Rehearse it a couple of times so you can say it with some force.  Gentle force, but force.  No err or um between the words and no apology in your tone.  When he tries to insist you keep it just play the  broken record and repeat it until he "gets" it.  And if he doesn't, then set the gift on a chair or table and let it go.  If it becomes a game of "I won't take it so you have to keep it" just opt out, and set it down.

And now comes the leap of faith.  One of the best things I learned in AA was that the truth will protect you.

So tell him the truth.

"I'm not comfortable with the amount of attention you're giving me.  All the texts, all the waiting for me after meetings -- it's starting to affect my comfortability in the rooms.  I know the hand of AA will always be there for me, but as far as 12th step work goes, I need it to be a woman's hand for right now."

Yes, you feel anxiety over saying this, but it will be fantastic for you if you take a deep breath and do it.

You don't have to do it alone.  Ask your sponsor to be there, as quiet support, if you like -- or some other gal in the rooms.  Ask them to let you be the one talking, you're not asking them to speak for you, just to be there -- or nearby even -- as moral support. 

And, as they told me when facing a scary situation, bring God with you.  God will give you the words and handle this interaction if you invite God into it.  Remember, this guy has a Higher Power too.  He may be embarrassed or angry or confused.  He might feel this way or that.  None of that is your problem.  This is your opportunity, not your lesson and not your problem:  To speak up for yourself in an environment which it is safe to do so and with ready support at hand. 

Just because AA's can be a huggy group doesn't mean you are required to hug everyone -- or anyone.  Just hold up one hand when someone comes in to give you a hug and say "wait.  I'm in a handshaking place today." 

If some people are offended or give you flack, that's on them.  Most people will not.  And you can hug some and not others. 

Claim your Home Group, claim your meeting, as yours.  (Not yours exclusively, obviously, but yours for sure.)

There will be some anxiety.  Some awkwardness at times for a bit, too.

But your sobriety, your life, is more important than his -- or anyone's -- feelings.

You can do this with grace and do this well.  It's the right thing for you to do, and his unwanted attention has in some ways made him a great spiritual teacher for you.

C., if you can stay sober for as many days as you have then there is nothing in this you can't handle.  You don't have to rely on your own power -- just rely on your Higher Power and all will go as it should.

Faith.  Courage -- I know it's a lot easier for me to rattle these things off than it is to look someone in the eye and say them, but you can do it.

Good luck, and please, by all means, let me know how it goes.

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

 

 

 

resist

 

 

 

The alcoholic Grasshopper and the Ant

 

 

Once upon a time, an alcoholic Grasshopper managed their money rather poorly. Their electric bill was past Past Due, and they were going to lose their lights if they didn't pay by 5.

"I know!" they thought to themselves, "I'll borrow the money for the bill from the Ant!  They have so much they can easily help me!"

So they went to the Ant and asked for a loan.

"I'm sorry, Grasshopper" said the Ant, "but no, I will not lend you the money."

"What?!?" cried the Grasshopper. "Why not?"

The Ant took a deep breath and replied, "No is a complete sentence.  I'm sorry... but ... no."

"But... but... my lights will be turned off!"

The Ant shook their head, and remained silent.

"But... but... you have plenty!  You can easily..."

The Ant shook their head, and remained silent.

The Grasshopper stormed off, furious with the Ant for not helping.

 

Later that night, the Grasshopper sat (in the dark) fuming about how the Ant did not lend them the money and spare them from having their electricity cut off.  Whenever the Grasshopper began to consider (in a a vague and fuzzy fashion) how they might have handled their money differently, that idea was immediately and reflexively drowned out by a louder thought which began with something like "yes, but the Ant..."

 

And so it was that the Grasshopper's denial and resentment -- which might have eventually been recognizable to themselves as insanity outside their head, but was perfectly rational inside their head -- conspired to keep them in the dark.

 

As denial and resentment always, always do.

 

you are who you are

 

 

2002:  Somewhere in the Pacific Northwest

 

"These coffee cups are nice.  They would look cool with my stuff at home."  I thought.

I was standing in a hotel banquet hall, well before the event started.

"I should take a couple home with me.  I mean, they probably broke more than I'll ever take just setting up this event.  I have my bag here -- I could just slip them in."

Then, unfortunately, I remembered that I was living a life of rigorous honesty.  I thought about serving a sponsee coffee in my stolen cup; how I would feel like a fraud talking to them about spiritual tools, and personal responsibility, and cleaning up our side of the street as they took sips from my pilfered porcelain. (ouch. sorry.)

"Do these cups belong to you, Mr. SponsorPants?"  I asked myself.  "Crap. No."  "Then leave them alone." 

That AA stuff is damned inconvenient sometimes.

I was raised right.  But it wasn't until AA that certain connections between word and deed really became vital to me.

Sometimes it's the little things which, if not taken seriously, can erode a foundation.  Would I have started drinking if I took the cups?  Well, probably not that night. 

Would the scenario I envisioned have played out?  Very possibly.  And can slippery slopes have seemingly trivial beginnings?

Most definitely.

I left the cups on the table.

 

They really would have looked cool with my stuff though.