the unconscious expectation with boundaries

 

This has come up several times over the past couple days -- when that happens I sometimes think Someone is trying to tell me Something...

 

When I set a boundary, it's very easy to have the unconscious expectation that because I have powerfully/forcefully/warmly/strongly/kindly/clearly/heatedly/whateverly set that boundary with someone that they will now, having been served notice of the consequences of their actions, change their behavior.

But that's making the boundary about an expectation -- and that's a really, really bad idea for an alcoholic, since expectations are usually midwife to my resentments.

What's best for me is to remember that the boundary is about communication.  If you do this (or don't do this, or whatever) then I will do that (or not do that, or whatever). 

In short, it's about what I will do, not what the other person will do.

Remembering that helps me set healthy boundaries without the set-up for a resentment built in.

 

Comments

[Dave]

It seems that a boundary is something for me, not another person.

[TAAAF]

Thanks for the reminder about this, Mr. SP.

[Pearl Ruby]

I've been taught (shown?) that when I'm setting a boundary, I'm setting it for you. As though I can put up a line that you will not cross. If you were actually willing and/or able to honor that line, I would never need "to set a boundary" in the first place; therefore, it will inevitably be crossed. Perhaps not intentionally, perhaps not maliciously, but it will indeed be crossed. Undoubtedly what will follow is I will then deem your behaviour "unacceptable," and I will proceed to slowly, but surely, kill you off. When I begin to do that, I begin to stop listening to what God would have me be. The better exercise, for me, is to love you precisely where you are at this moment, realizing that you, like myself, are indeed spiritually sick.