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January 05, 2011

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MB

I just want you to know that there a lot more people following your writing -- and deriving immense help and sustenance from it -- than you would suspect. We don't leave comments because we don't have much to say. But we learn from your words and we're in your corner. The world is bigger than those corporate guys in a room somewhere.

daisymay

Deal MrSP. Thanks for sharing this. It is a lot more help than a load of stuff about 'how I got sober/found God and me and my life have been perfect ever sinceand everyone wishes they were me'

I have two words for you

Slimming World.

http://www.slimmingworldusa.com/

It is the best eating programme ever. You can eat as much as you want of all sorts of things most diets restrict or ban. It is very healthy.

I thought of TS Eliot (Four Quartets) when I read your post "And the end of our exploring shall be to find ourselves at the beginning and know the place for the first time" Something like that.

You can do this. Looking forward to reading all about it.

PS If you publish your book as an ebook and sell it here I will buy it.

shanachie

Hey SP. Your post dislodged a few unconnected thoughts this morning. The first being ... if you're that unhappy on the second day, maybe you should keep looking for another job. I'm not sure about American labour laws, but if a manager broached an employees appearance/weight subject here, it would be grounds for harassment and discrimination. An employee's appearance has no bearing on their ability to do the job.
And that aside, I totally get you. I'm overweight, and I study part time at a university. I'm ALWAYS the oldest fattest person in the room and some days I can't even hear the lecture because of the one in my head. Other days, I think what a guy we called Screamin' Joe used to say, "F*ck what other people think!"
My answer for my predicament is that I joined Weight Watchers last night. My internal dialogue is brutal ... but I'm taking action.
Feel for you. But don't let corporate bastards grind you down. (((HUGS)))

Jeri  Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

I kinda remember you sayin'..

"If you want to treat the anger first find the fear"

That ONE line really helped me.

Meribeth

Love ya Mr.SP. The magic of sharing worked its wonders again. Your post was a cortisone cream for the itch I have had. I know the crap you are going through is a major fuck it all for you and it's tough. I'm pulling for you. A great big cyber HUG!

Syd

Mr. S.P., this post moved me to tears. I know the feelings you describe, even though I am neither overweight or alcoholic. I do however have a thinking problem in which for many years, and still from time to time, don't think that I measure up. God has a sense of timing though. Opportunities present that leave me thinking that I am okay just the way I am. Then, God will also give me a huge dose of humility on another day.

Every year, the people around me get younger and smarter. But this middle age dog still has a few tricks. Experience in life, your experience, matters. You have seen it all, have helped people who were beyond help, have written brilliantly here. I have a feeling that the youngsters will be coming to you for your help. Keep a steady course and you will sail into the safe harbor that your Higher Power has provided.

Brent Pulford

As I verge on six months clean and sober I am facing the dreaded job search. When drinking and using I pulled down a healthy six figures and was, for a time, a respected and oft admired senior practitioner in my field. But I became difficult to work with, unreliable, arrogant and defiant. I not only lost my job but everything I owned. Today I find myself needing money and a means by which to earn it. For the first time in 30 years, I am humbled by my circumstances; humiliated really. I can't face trying to get back into the business I was in before; trying to mend fences and negotiate burnt bridges. Nor do I believe I should have to. But I need work. Any kind of work. So I understand your conflict. It's mine that isn't making any sense - if that makes any sense.

carolf

Mr. SP. Your honesty is astonishing and comforting and inspiring. You may wish to be the spin class members having good sex and big bank accounts, but I could wish to be you. But I'm working hard at wishing to be my best self. Thank you for this post. And THANK YOU especially for all your work on this blog. You can't ever know how much it has helped me. My positive energy is with you and since I have no idea where you are or who you are, I have great compassion for every restaurant person I see, especially those of a certain age, size and girth. You da best, man. Really.

Peggy

I have been reading not commenting for many months. I am very thankful for your brutal honesty about your struggles. Sharing not isolating keeps me moving in a healthy direction.

Hummingbird

Right there with ya, Mr. SP. I'm a 50 something, "big girl", and have been working from home for the last two years. The great part is that I can wear sweats and no one will care. Bad part is there's been quite a bit of spread. Considering that I have to do some face time with clients this month, I'm now in a bit of a pickle. None of my suits fit and sweats won't be appropriate! But I am grateful that my HP has sent me work that requires me to spruce up, because left to my own devices, I would likely turn into the Blob and never leave the house. I guess it's not mine to understand where my HP takes me. I'm just going along for the ride and trying to do my part. Headed to the store for salad.....and counting my blessings.

Orbus

MrSP - I agree with Syd " I have a feeling that the youngsters will be coming to you for your help. Keep a steady course and you will sail into the safe harbor that your Higher Power has provided." Thank you for being you. I know you and love you.
Orbus

daisymay

"a valuable, talented candidate"

Hang onto to that Mr SP, you beat the competition hands down, weight, age and all.

As for the rest, what is it you say? - 'work in progress'?

RL

Mr SP~
Thank you for your honesty, thank you for sharing & thank you for making me see things in perspective, today & alot of times. Marian Fisher. Wow. Thank you.

Debbie G.

Thanks so much for sharing exactly where you are in this post. Yesterday's reading in the Daily Reflections was titled "Begin Where You Are" - and I have to remember that - especially when where I am is a big hot mess and definitely not where I want to be. Am struggling with not being able to turn my head off today and I sat in a 7AM meeting and thought - "Damn, am I still this crazy after all these years?" I had my last drink at 21 and I will be 50 this year and like you shared - sometimes the mess is carrying the message. Count me in for the deal at the bottom of your post - I'll stay sober just for today and I'm counting on the fact that you will too. I need you (and the rest of AA) - I definitely can't do it on my own. Thanks for being here.

anon

Best. Blog post. Ever. Love you and you are not alone. Change a few deets & you are talking about me. Keep writing! Even Carver's day job was in a factory!

bob

I'm 55 and 6'3" and 300lbs-If you were Brazilian you would really have me. I'm also not an insightful, honest, engaging, inspiring, generous, creative writer. I hope you have some electronic way of knowing how many people read this blog. I'm another one who reads every day but doesn't comment. Thank you for the blog, it means a lot to me. Oh-Yea, I still have my beard JK.

Smiley

Deal!

dAAve

Thanks for living sober.

Sam

Needed to read this! Thank you for being here.

Roxie

Long time reader, first time poster. Thank you for this post. Thank you.

Jeff

Mr. SP, you are my Hero!

Guinevere

It was good for me to read this post...

You help so many people. You must know that. Can't count how many times I myself have quoted Mr. Sponsorpants on my own blog. I quote you to sponsees. ("If you don't drink or use and you don't kill yourself by the end of the day, you win, and the rest will just have to sort itself out") Wish I had a better name for you, but there it is.

Ego-smashing bites all right.

A thought: If this job really is HP's will for you at this time, maybe HP's will for you is to look at your weight and consider the benefits of losing a few pounds. You're my age... not the greatest to carry that much into the next decade. I mean, I dunno? ... The whole spa-thing is about vanity, which is bullshit, but weight is a serious health concern and I wanna be hearing about you for a long time. --G

David H.

Thank you so much for your time.

www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=613397883

Dear Mr SP
I always read, never comment, but TODAY I am overwhelmed. Thanks for the gut level sharing and reflection on solution. We've got your back....and yes, its a deal.

angharad

mr sponsorpants, you are the business! i read your blog avidly. there is another side to this issue; my friend has an apron that says: 'never trust a skinny cook'...

visi

From a longtime daily reader, congratulations on landing a promising position in this economy. I struggle with many, no, all of the issues you do. I think you are brilliant, insightful, brave and crushingly funny. And hawt. (OK, a little cyber crush going on here)

I know a lot of people see you as a guru (me included, obvi). I think that the qualities that make you a great sponsor will make you a great manager (of people, not food) and a great role model for the 'new kids.'

I think you wrote something about not comparing your insides to others' outsides. Who knows what indignities and dysfunction the kids at corporate are subject to?

Let's just keep on doing what we gotta do to have the New Year and new life we deserve: sober, solvent and healthy.

Thanks for all you do and all you are. See ya tomorrow.

Barb K

Deal!!

recovering jezebel

I felt every word you wrote as if I were right there, having it happen to me. That, my friend, is indeed your gift. And I can so identify with the experience of telling the universe sternly, okay, not one more thing, this is all I can handle—and then having the one-more-thing fall plop into your lap.

You hang in there. We'll be right here, hanging in there too. <3

conanon

Dear Mr. Sponsorpants-
I have been reading your blog since it was shared with me in November. I am a member of Overeaters Anonymous, and I thank you for helping me stay abstinent for almost eight weeks now. Walking around almost twenty pounds lighter is wonderful, but having a much quieter and peaceful head is the true gift.
May God bless your steps as you trudge your road to happy destiny.
Sincerely,
A fellow freaked out self-entitled ungrateful brat

Let Go, Let God

See you tomorrow...again. Beautiful today. Thank you.

The Department of Unsolicited Advice

That sounds really hard. I can relate to having to cling to something positive, even when facing what seems an insuperable situation. At least it sounds as though that manager is in your corner. I would expect that your diligence and people skills will make you a success with this opportunity.

Now for a suggestion (not that you asked for one). Since you shared that you would like to lose some weight (albeit not to svelte Brazilian model standards), and the company wants to promote a healthy image, shouldn't the company be willing to invest in a promising employee's health (to the tune of dietary assistance, gym membership, personal training, or whatever would work for YOU)?

Keep on fighting the good fight, one day at a time!

Belle in the upper midwest

Hi Mr. SP:
I lurk in the shadows and read your works sporadically. I love them. I too am tall, near age 50, sober 23 years, going back into the workaday world after going to college as a nontraditional student, and have an ongoing battle of the bulge. I have felt all the same crap you have so eloquently described in this post. It's like the needle on my fun meter going from zero to pegged out, like a windshield wiper, and not stopping anywhere midway where there might be (gasp!) balance. I need to remember a few things that the lady who took me to my first AA meeting told me, which help whenever I am getting either too full of myself or the world. They are: "Never forget your last drunk." "Is it life altering, life threatening, or just plain bullshit?" and "Keep puttin' one foot in front of the other and suckin' air." That, and remembering always that God is in charge. I wish you well in your one days at a time ahead.

kelly

Oh my gosh. I thought I was the only one that screamed 'God!' in my head, as loud as I can, to chase away the bad thoughts.

I really liked this post. It was a great share. I'm glad you have a job and I'm glad you aren't a Brazilian underwear model.

Moi

Dear Mr SP,

Like many here, I often read and never comment, but that has to change right now. You are my hero for being so honest, so kind and so funny, day after day, and you help keep me sober and often make me laugh and make me think. Thank you so much for writing the blog, and being the person who writes the blog.

RJ

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time, but I'm very grateful for this post. It really hit home and I'm going to share it with my husband. I can see lots of him in your writings. He's a good man and I hope he is as inspired by you as I am!

Jessie R.

Damn it!

"Odds are one of you out there reading this is as much of a freaked out self entitled ungrateful brat as I am, as overwhelmed and overwrought by what you have to face as I."

YUP! YUP! YUP!

I'm in the job I've had for 5 years, I'm out of ideas, I feel ineffective and disconnected, the organization has been in a continual flux since the last executive director (my boss) left over a year ago, and the outlook at the organization miraculously committing to strategic planning or providing any form of concrete foundation or direction and leadership is grim. Well we do have an interim who is performing 3 jobs simultaneously which from my perspective looks like a baboon on crack trying to make things happen through constant meetings with hundreds of people with no real fruit and an absolute disinterest in the daily processes of the actual office and employees she's charged with leading and directing. But we get to have regular meetings to hear her next great idea for how to make it all bigger and better, and my coworkers enter my office regularly to tell me how overwhelmed they are and how they're having trouble keeping up. I can keep up, I just don't have any enthusiasm to try. I do the best I can to help coworkers, to be of service to customers and guests, to provide the stuff needed in my job but I know, I'm well aware when I am apathetic. A

Apathy is absence..a lack of... stagnation. I'm a bright girl, I know this is NOT good!

I'm .... hopeless, miserable and I don't even know where to start.

The program of AA is ingrained in me, it is, I hear all the right words and all the right things to do bouncing in my head. Problem is, my heart's not in it, and for me... misery and a head full of AA without a heart felt knowledge of God's peace and protection. That feeling of disconnection. What's the word? Dangerous!

All the "glad others are out there feeling it too" doesn't really connect me.

And I don't know what to do (not really finding direction in my sponsor's reflections and honest chats there) Other than act your way into right thinking

I remember and take the direction I was given at the very beginning as God was (so obviously to my sponsor but not to me) pushing me to my knees in desperation here in AA.

"Whatever God!"

And everything that comes next, scary as that looks in my head right now, is EXACTLY what God needs to provide me with in experience to help me to once again connect with that amazing serenity and power that is "the spiritual experience" as a result of... finding recovery from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

Here we are again, sober and in need of that recovery from the seemingly hopeless; without believing it will help one bit, willing to say, "you are not alone!"

I will pray desperately for you to be transformed, because I know I HATE this feeling and I can't get out without prayer and God's intervention. And honest to God I need to know that someone who affects me as powerfully as you do can be transformed again, NOW!

Hopeless, powerless and the brilliant ideas and inspirations in my head all seem like crap right now.

Crap, crap, crap!

Jessie R.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoNEJyuWhUI

That's the song that came into my head just as I posted that.

Is it true? Anywhere, will I follow God at all costs? Will I go to any lengths?

mollyell50

You are amazing. Hang in there. There is nothing that some Brazilian guy has on you. You have heart and soul and that is all that matters. Plus the first couple of days at any job are really hard and disorienting (I just went through it myself) like "who are all these people and why do they hate me?'

Mary LA

A wonderful post, I feel I met you for the first time. We've all had to start over and have crappy first days and I can identify so much with what you are describing.

tlc

Thank you so much for your rigorous honesty. It was a "rough day" - more so than some, not as much as others - as you noted.

Awareness, acceptance, and action . . . I don't get very far as I stumble and sputter on the awareness and acceptance, honesty and humility. If I do try to pull my covers it is usually with the bat of self loathing, the dagger of the victim/martyr or the shield of ego and judgment. None of those reveal the truth as long as I stay in them and refuse to step outside and call them what they are.

Thank you for the WONDERFUL example of self awareness, the honesty, the discomfort, the ego. Being able to say "There I am feeling not worthy, there I am feeling the victim, there I am feeling better than - sometimes all the same breath, and that is OK." Then showing us by example how you use the principles to walk through it and GROW.

You can grab a book and show me over and over how I should apply these principles in my life - but until you SHOW me how it works - I am not going to get it.

YOU ARE HELPING ME GET IT.

Thank you.

Just Me

Wow, that's gut-level, raw honesty right there. You rock, Mr. SP, and that's all I've got to say. I believe in you and I know you can do this! Perhaps you are in this job so that one of the 20-somethings desperately needing guidance can learn something from your hard-won wisdom?

Subversive Librarian

Oh, Mr. SP... Thanks so much for your post. The people who help me most are the ones who share where they're at right this minute -- not the ones that share their most recent good moment.

I'm right there with you. After a long period of putting a person ahead of my recovery, I had gained 120 pounds (I'm only 5' 1" and weighed 245). I was unemployable, uninsurable, and that weight brought with it many, many little daily humiliations.

I'm a newcomer in recovery from food-addiction (working on a 6-month chip); I ended up going to OA, after much resistance, as well as to a commercial weight loss program. The food thing is very, very tough. But your share really helped me today. I can stay sober and "abstinent" for one more day, thanks to you. I appreciated in particular your deal at the end; I've had some pretty dark thoughts lately so your words jumped out at me. Thank you. And it's a deal. x

HCG Drops

I have known great bloggers and the one thing that distinguish them from other bloggers are their abilities to catch reader's attention. This, you're able to do effectively. Nice post!

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