Finally! A chance to clear my good name!
I've been patiently waiting for an opportunity just such as this to speak to you myself, after all of Mr. SponsorPants egregious mis-characterizations regarding my motives and nature. (Don't worry, on my account, however. I have always been quite content to patiently wait for the perfect opportunity to step forward. A keen sense of timing is one of my most defining and endearing qualities!)
Oh, I am sorry. No doubt some find this tone, well... if not foppish, then certainly off-putting. Please, allow me to start over.
Hey you guys!
How's it going? Good I hope. Listen, I feel like Mr. SP has really done a number on me here on the blog, and it's totally unfair. I mean, come on, we just want to have a good time, right? No harm in that, right? Puh-leeze, with the way the world is, we freakin' deserve a good time, am I right? Of course I'm right! It's pretty easy to misunderstand what I'm talkin' about, what with all those creepy AA sheep constantly bleating about how sick they are, and surrender and whatever and all that other bullshit. And then it's all "God this" and "Higher Power that"... oh my God! Lame. No, worse than lame. Pathetic, right? Is there anything more boring than some uptight freak telling you how being good is good for you? What, do they think you're like, 12 or something? Do they even know everything you've done -- or, I mean, are going to do? Jesus! They need to chill out. If they lightened up some maybe they wouldn't be such boring, unhappy losers -- can you really take their advice on freakin' anything? Nuh uh. I'm thinkin' no freakin' way.
Perhaps too casual? I'm merely trying to determine the best possible way to make myself understood -- I can do whatever voice I need to "get through to you" as they say. Finding just the right note to sound so that you'll really hear me is another genuine talent of mine! I love it actually, because when I find that voice which commands your full attention I can free you from a lot of other, pesky distractions, so you can focus on you. I want our communication to be effortless -- there's absolutely no reason why one should have to stop and think to hear me -- or have any trouble embracing the idea that what I endeavor to do is help. In fact, in my humble estimation, "stopping to think" is very highly overrated! All of that insipid "calm deliberation" -- truly, must one constantly stop to think before speaking or acting? Where's your confidence? Your enthusiasm for life? Your joie de vivre? My God, your passion! Perhaps the actual problem is that you stop to think too much! Have you considered that? Look at yourself. No, really, take a good long look at yourself. Ignore the petty little things in the world around you, and focus solely on You. Clearly, you're meant for great things. You deserve great things. Anyone who doesn't see your intelligence, your sensitivity, your expertise, is... well, obviously they're an imbecile. In fact, anyone who is fool enough not to check with you on -- well, anything -- is just asking for it. You know what that is when they do that? It's a snub! That's what it is! You don't have to take that!
Dis! Totally dissing me. Unless... whoah. Did you screw up? Did you do something wrong? Is that why that time that... damn! You probably totally screwed everything up! Again! Were you supposed to... No! Wait! Maybe you weren't supposed to... Okay, okay! Don't panic! Don't panic! You know how to handle this. Just play it cool. Put your Game Face on. Pretend you totally know what you're doing. Because if you don't then they'll know you screwed up, or they'll know you don't know or... they'll just... you know. That's another way I can help, it's like I've got your back, right? When you might get in trouble or something, I can totally coach you through how to bluff your way out of it -- or to just cut and run. That's always, always an option. Every man for himself, right? There's a reason that's a saying, right? Right.
Oh my yes, that's good advice, that is. One should never show oneself to be -- how shall I put this delicately? -- a screw up. Ask for help? Why, isn't that akin to hanging a sign around one's neck which says "Helpless Loser, please take advantage of me!" It is! And you and I both know it. Of course, I suppose if you want, you could always ask for help from your "Higher Power." Oh! One moment, let me collect myself, I always get such a chuckle out of that. Yes, by all means, kneel down and talk to the air. Hee! Oh, that's rich. (But seriously now, I want you to know, I think that looks adorable. When you're six, that is.) Isn't all that Higher Power Hocus Pocus just a little... well... pathetic? Perhaps not. I don't mean to offend. One might make a case that all that HP malarkey will eventually make you feel better. A little better. After a while... if only you could do something which would make you feel a LOT better. Instantly! Now, what might that be... it's on the tip of my tongue, just give me a moment...
Prayer is lame. Meditation looks boring. Hard or stupid and totally boring.
Oh dear, I've completely gotten away from my original point. What was it again? Ah yes, helping you understand that there's no "boogie man" in your head. I'm not the voice of some malevolent force, I'm your common sense! I'm here to help you clear the AA fog! All this overblown, hyperbolic, hysterical business about me is... well, it's just nonsense. We can both agree that the AA rhetoric is pretty much over the top, can't we? (And let's face it, a little cultish, yes? Gives me the willies, that's what it does.) You know, I wager if one were to step back from it a bit, why, it would be seen in an entirely different light. Far be it from me to cast aspersions, but it seems like a tremendous drag on time and personal resources. (All this service business, for example. That's not how the world works, and we both know it. No one is looking out for you except you, so you better put yourself on the top of your list. What about your needs, your desires, what you deserve, what you want, hmmm?) Perhaps if I might suggest a break from meetings, to reassess... oh dear. I think our host is returning.
Gotta jet. Keep it on the DL we can catch up again easy. Remember: Nice guys finish last, and nobody likes to hang with people who don't know how to party. Later!
Do keep in mind what I've said. And by all means, do not worry -- I'll make certain we have a chance to chat again. (In fact -- and don't tell on me now -- but I'm sure some of you have already seen me giving a friendly wink or a sly hello from between the lines in some of Mr. SP's writing, regardless of topic. Easy enough to do, of course. Not hard to catch his ear. He secretly thinks pretty well of himself you know. You're familiar with the phrase "Crocodile Tears," alluding to insincerity and an agenda when one demonstrates sorrow? We need to coin a phrase for SponsorPants. He's got Crocodile Humility, that one does. Oh, it's true. I've seen the underbelly of the Beast! Ego's alive and well in him, I assure you.) In any event, never fear, I'm not really leaving, just, to use the vernacular, "laying low" for a bit. One way or another, I guarantee you'll hear from me again soon.
As he's so fond of saying...