Questions via Email: Quick Q's & A's

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

What is your definition of "doing a geographic?"

If I am moving to start or stop doing something that I don't have to move to start or stop doing, or if I am moving to make a "fresh start" but running out on people or obligations in order to do so -- to me that's a geographic.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

13 Stepping?  Is that having sex with people in AA?

Yes and no.  In my opinion, 13 Stepping is when I invite someone over to read the Big Book but then I hit on them.  Just straight up, honest flirtation and/or propositioning someone else in an AA meeting is not 13 Stepping per se, because you're being honest about your motives and desires.  Now, hand-in-hand with that, however, is the fact that people who are new to AA are generally quite vulnerable, and might be seeking approval or escape or trying to compensate for some other issue, and it is a kind of 13 Stepping to hit on newcomers as well.  We offer the hand of fellowship to the newcomer, not the crotch of fellowship.

If you're hitting on newcomers, knock it the hell off.  Go cruise an Emergency Room, it's virtually the same thing -- it's just that our injuries are on the inside.

Oh, and if a newcomer is hitting on you, get a clue.  They're not showing you their interest, or their sexuality... they're showing you their damage.  Take the opportunity to set aside your own ego, whatever need for validation may come up when it happens and your own sex drive to show that in AA, you don't have to take off your pants to get the hug or to get help.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

My sponsor doesn't seem to have time for me.

Whether they're genuinely swamped or avoiding being of service, it might be time to look for another sponsor.  Before you do, address this issue very specifically with them.  Say what you said in your email.  If they get defensive, it's probably time to look for another sponsor.  If they offer an explanation, and commit to doing a better job, it might be worth sticking with them, if it's been a good fit in the past.  If they can't follow through, though, then... time to start looking.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

What do you say when you fire an unwilling sponsee?

I'm not a fan of the word "fire" -- though I understand how it became efficient shorthand for letting a sponsee go.  You were specific in talking about an unwilling sponsee -- in such a case, I say something very much like this:

"You deserve a sponsor that calls you to action.  None of my suggestions seem to do that for you, so it's likely I'm not the right guy.  You should find someone who will do that for you."

Half the time -- more than half -- they'll say something like "Oh no!  Please still sponsor me!  I'll do better...".  If in your gut you think they might, then maybe give the deal another chance.  But if, in your gut, you know it's highly unlikely that they'll get into action, then you are of much better service sticking to your decision.  They will probably take their next sponsor relationship much more seriously, and that can only be a good thing.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I've read a lot about the success/failure rate of AA, and it doesn't seem to be a very effective way to stay sober.

I'll ignore the somewhat baiting tone in the body of your email and pull this out to address -- if I have mischaracterized what you wrote, I apologize, even though you and I both know I did not.  I have seen a lot of different stats on this topic.  As with all statistics the results seem to vary based upon what and how something is measured.  For example, if you were to measure "came to AA and then never drank again" vs. "came to AA, had a relapse, came back and stayed sober" vs. "came to AA, slipped around for a couple of years, then stayed sober" you would have three very different statistical measurements which would, in and of themselves, be as accurate as the math could make it, yet give three very different interpretations of AA's effectiveness.  Not all medicine works for all diseases.  Not all medicine works with the first treatment.  Sometimes people have more than one illness and the one impedes the healing of the other.  AA has many supporters and many detractors.  Both sides are equally able to seize upon some set of stats to support their bias -- but that has nothing to do with AA.  That's just human nature.

Going to the gym has never really worked for me as a way to get in shape.  You know why?  Even though I bought a membership, I don't go to the gym.  So obviously, gyms are not an effective way to get in shape.  I saw some statistics on how many fat people in America have gym memberships vs. how many go vs. how many go for a little while then give up and are still fat.  Against the backdrop of all that, it sure looks to me like gyms don't work.  But some of those gym members who go and work out and stick with it get in better shape -- and they have the nerve to tell me that if I did that I would too!  Obviously they're wrong and deluded, and there is possibly something very sinister at work. 

 My direct experience is that for people who are real alcoholics and who follow the body of AA's suggestions to the best of their ability and work all 12 Steps, their alcoholism is arrested and they are able to maintain physical sobriety -- and from those two things mental, emotional and spiritual sobriety follow.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I've switched around among sponsors a lot.  I mean, I've had four different sponsors.  Is that too many?

Four in fourteen years?  Probably not.  Four in four weeks?  Mmmmaybe.  Sponsors are like shoes.  Try them on and walk a little.  If it's a good fit you'll know in short order, and they can take you far.  If not... not.  Ask yourself, when switching sponsors, if there's something going on you're not looking at (fear of judgment, problem with authority -- even though a sponsor is not an authority in any way -- etc.).  Talk to some third parties in AA whom you like and know you and get their take on whether you're just finding the right fit or avoiding something.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I've heard some people say that ________ says to work one Step a year.

I've heard that said about different people and places myself.  I don't know whether the people who say that the people who say that are quoting accurately or not.

All I can tell you is that if I did the Steps at the rate of one a year I'd be dead now.

No, really.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I'm addicted to _________ more than alcohol, but I was told to go to AA because it's like the "mothership."  Even though I don't really identify, should I still go to AA meetings?

In the early days of OA (Overeaters Anonymous) I'm told that some of the members went to AA speaker meetings to hear people discuss long term experience with the 12 Steps.  While I don't know if that is factually accurate, I can see how it might be helpful for them to have done so.  For myself, to support friends or to learn about other issues, I've been a visitor in meetings for a number of different 12 Step Programs, and when people were talking about their Step work and recovery I could usually identify, but when they were talking about their addiction... not always.  In my humble opinion, the miracle of 12 Step healing starts with the process of identification.  And that is not an intellectual process.  When I first came to AA I didn't need to hear an abstract discussion of addiction -- when I was new, I needed to hear specifically that these people drank the way I drank.  Eventually one develops the ability to listen more deeply, with the heart and not just the ears -- but I wasn't able to do that when I was new.

Putting it another way, I couldn't have gotten sober sitting in meetings of Gambler's Anonymous (for example), even though today I might find some good information from listening in a G.A. meeting.

Go where you will hear people specifically talking about what you did.  Make sure you always have a connection to that specific program -- not only for the beginning of your recovery, to identify and build a solid foundation for yourself -- but so that you can then help the other newcomers who will follow you.  If you also find recovery in AA, great, then of course come to AA too.  Come to AA also, but not instead of.

And if you mean literally you do not identify as an alcoholic, meaning, you are not able or willing to say "I'm _______ and I'm an alcoholic" because it does not feel right and honest for you, I respect that -- but please respect the difference, then, between Open and Closed AA Meetings.  An Open AA Meeting is for anyone who would like to attend, though the meeting itself may request that only alcoholics participate (read, speak, share) in the meeting -- but anyone is welcome to attend.  A Closed AA Meeting is for alcoholics only.  In virtually every city I've been to there are many more Open Meetings than Closed, so I'm sure you'll be able to find one, if that's what's right for you.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

Are you dressing up for Halloween?

Halloween is the one day I'm not in costume.  It's the rest of the year I look frightful.

 

Cheers!

 

Comments

[raemelyn]

All good questions. I go to Al-anon to learn how to live, I visit open AA meetings in order to understand and see the hope and the miracles which helps me to let go of my son into his HP's hands. Have a great weekend!

♥namaste♥

[Bobby D.]

You're spot-on -- AGAIN!

I'm bookmarking this page to copy and paste (with your kind permission) the next time one of these comes up.

God blessed you with a gift of being able to explain things with your unique blend of humor and seriousness.

Isn't that just like us alkies, though? Our ability to change up from funny to drop-dead serious makes non-alcoholic's heads spin!

Thanks again for sharing your gift.

RE: 13th Stepping, though, I have to share this classic:

"Looking for a date in AA? The odds are good, but the goods are a little odd!"

Cheers!

[Lori]

"We offer the hand of fellowship to the newcomer, not the crotch of fellowship." Brilliant! I laughed out loud at that one.

On a more serious note, someone in my home group has met some serious consequences as a result of his disease. I am so saddened by it. He was arrested on suspicion of burglary and while in jail intake, he hit a nurse with a lamp. She died yesterday. He had no prior arrests and was a sweet, funny young man... sober. He will never sit in my home group again. This disease is seriously deadly and I often forget that as I toodle through my "luxury" problems.

For me, though, I need humor to keep me coming back. Humor has saved me on countless occasions when to drink would seem like a logical response to a tragic event. It is in keeping that balance between concern and care for my fellows and a lightness in my heart that has kept me sober these 8 years.

Thank you for keeping that balance, Mr. SP. I'm so grateful to have found your website!

[Ivan Toblog]

Thanks for answering some questions I didn't even know I had.

[Wil]

I'm a member of OA (found your wonderful blog while googling on "make an amends") and have been encouraged to try AA meetings as well. I would like to, since we have no meetings one day of the week and I could really use the extra program, but I've felt a little too shy so far. I did find the Big Book amazing reading and related to it very much. Just thought I would mention that it's still part of OA, at least in my neck of the woods.