Questions via Email: Quickies

Didn't want to fall too far behind with emails, hence these "Quickies" from the inbox.  For those of you who recognize your question in my brief summary of what you wrote, but feel I did not grasp the heart of what you were asking, please accept my apologies and write again so I can get it right.  Cheers!

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Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I am very new to AA, and when people share about their sponsor sometimes it sounds like everything from a therapist to a life coach.  What does a sponsor actually do?

A sponsor should take you through the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and in general help you apply AA's principles to your life on a daily basis -- not because it makes you a "good" moral person -- but because when we don't live that way we tend to snap, and drink again.  A sponsor is most definitely NOT a therapist or a life coach although I understand why you might draw those comparisons.  A sponsor is a sounding board, a person to check in with when life hands you the inevitable forks in the road, a resource for AA experience and direction.  (AA's direction, not their personal brainstorm, exactly.)  By sponsoring people the sponsor stays sober, so you are helping them as much -- if not more -- than they may be helping you, so please remember that.  There is no debt incurred on the part of a sponsee towards their sponsor in any way, although often gratitude and real affection develop over time. But that's not a debt.  A sponsor is not qualified to give medical advice or financial counsel outside of how AA suggests one approach those issues -- which boils down to seeking the appropriate professionals and being honest with them about whatever issues you may have which brought you to them in the first place.  Ideally a sponsor shares their sober experience and support over time, hopefully setting an example, not "giving instructions."  As there is no debt, you can change sponsors at any time.

In the book "Living Sober" there is a whole chapter which talks about sponsorship, and there is a (free!) brochure called "Questions and Answers on Sponsorship" which you should be able to find at most AA meetings, or if not at your AA Central Office, the location of which you should be able to find online if no one you ask can give you clear directions as to how to find it.  No doubt you could contact any number of AA resources online and someone would send it to you, too.  I STRONGLY suggest that you read those to get more clarification on sponsorship.

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Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

The other day [Mr. SP edit: this post] you talked about "partnering" with God to help get rid of character defects, as in Steps 6 & 7.  I'm a little confused by that.  I thought in Step 7 the point was that we were asking God to remove our defects/shortcomings.  Can you explain what you mean about "partnering"?

The 12 Steps are a process, the primary result of which is a spiritual experience which allows alcoholics and addicts to remain clean and sober in a state of Grace, without the kind of clenched mental anguish and gritted teeth which most would call "white knuckling it" -- and which does not have a great track record among real alcoholics when it comes to staying sober for the long haul.  (There is, of course, much more to be said about what a spiritual experience is and can achieve, but let's keep it to basics for a moment.) 

Back when we took Step 3 ("Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.") we agreed that from that point forward, God was the Boss, we were the gopher ("... God was going to be our Director.  He is the Principal; we are His agents...").  So while I ask God to remove my character defects, I don't get to sit back and not do anything (I wish!) simply waiting for God to magically make me defect-free.  I am a part of the process -- on my better days, a willing part, on my worser days, a grudging part -- but part of it nonetheless. 

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Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

What's the deal with 13th Stepping newcomers?

13th Stepping?  I vote No.  (A brief definition of 13th Stepping would be using AA as a way to hit on people, newcomers in particular.  There's nothing wrong with hitting on people, it's the deceit  and/or the potentially taking advantage of those who are not entirely "on their game" -- vulnerable -- that is the "wrong" part.)

More on sex and newcomers to AA here.  

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Hope some of that is helpful!

Once again, cheers!

Comments

[Dave]

You were up late writing this.

[marie]

nice answers.