Do you know what happens when you stop people pleasing?
People are not pleased.
You're going off script, you're breaking out of your box (the box you built, by the way), you're changing the rules you've worked hard to set up -- and people may not like it.One of the great truths I heard early on in an AA meeting was this: "We teach people how to treat us."
Damn this AA and its insufferable insistence upon me taking responsibility!
A tough question I've had to ask myself -- and some sponsees -- is, "Can you live in a world in which people are not pleased with you?" It sounds so stupid, so small, so weak and silly, when put baldly like that, written out in black and white. But for some people in recovery, answering that question with a "yes" is a serious and (pun intended) sobering turning point.
As always, the surprise ingredient in letting go of character defects such as this is humility -- sure, sure, courage, honesty, willingness ... all important. But it's humility, as described so beautifully in the Chapter on the Seventh Step in the book "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" (AA's "12 & 12") which seems to facilitate real and lasting change in alcoholics.
Wish it came naturally. <sigh>
My favorite definition of humility is on page 58 of the 12/12.
But it's all good. And it all beats anything I might have known before I got sober.
Posted by: Dave | February 10, 2010 at 04:00 AM
People pleasing fit so well with my martyrdom. Damn.
Glad I found Alanon. Martyrs usually suffer horrible deaths anyway.
Namaste
Posted by: raemelyn | February 10, 2010 at 05:18 AM
Yesterday I had to stand my ground, when my instrinct was to please. You are right, the person was not pleased at this change in my behavior:)
Posted by: Lou | February 10, 2010 at 05:40 AM
Oh, did this ever hit home. I was a craven people-pleaser before Al-Anon, and when I began to change, all hell broke loose all over my life. I cringe just recalling it. Great post.
Posted by: Cheryl | February 10, 2010 at 12:09 PM
I believe the God within you has been camping out on my shoulder and is now talking to me through you AGAIN!
I have just been met with this truth in my experience again as my workplace changes and I realize more about my relationship with loved ones. Thank you!
Posted by: Jessie R. | February 10, 2010 at 01:23 PM