fine tuning

He took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose.  His face looked strangely naked and a little weary without the glasses to hide behind.  "... so what you're saying is ... okay, I'm sorry, I don't know what you're saying."

I drank my coffee and tried to think of a different way to explain myself.  "Okay, you had a terrible, violent, abusive childhood, right?"

"Yes." 

"One of the things which often comes from that is a kind of low-grade but ever-present hypervigilance ..."

He cleaned his glasses with a napkin, sighed and said, "And this is where you start to lose me."

"Hypervigilance is technically a symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  To define it without all the clinical lingo it means constantly scanning the environment for threats to your survival.  Children in abusive situations learn to do this not just in the literal warfare manner, like soldiers do -- that is, constantly scanning for snipers and bombs and such -- but in reading moods, facial expressions, body language ... without any power to protect themselves, they learn to be hypervigilant about social and relationship dynamics -- they're constantly, if sometimes unconsciously, 'reading' everyone in the room.  I believe that's true for lots of addicts, actually, even if their childhood was not as abusive as yours."

"Okay. So... what does that have to do with why I freak out at fellowship after the meeting?"

"Well, in my opinion -- and I'm only going from what I've learned from dealing with other alcoholics and my own stuff -- it's the fallout from your childhood that makes you hyper-aware of what's going on around you.  It's your alcoholism which then leads you to conclude that what's going on around you has anything to do with you."

"Oh."

"It's like the hypervigilance gives your alcoholism more to work with.  You are hyper aware of every eye roll, every sigh, every restless twitch -- and you conclude that each of those things mean you're boring or annoying or people don't want to spend time with you."

"Isn't that low self esteem?"

I shrugged and nodded.  "Yeah, it's that too.  The way I sort it out is that it's alcoholism which makes me certain that things are all about me, then it's either low self esteem or ego out of balance that gives a 'less than/better than' value to it."

"So trauma from my childhood makes me super aware of everyone, alcoholism makes me think that everyone I'm so super aware of is thinking about me, and low self esteem makes me think they're thinking I'm crap."

"Yeah -- I mean, that's how I fine tune my own process."

"Great, now I feel even more screwed up -- I don't have one thing wrong, it's like I have a bunch now."

"Don't -- I mean, okay, go ahead, you feel how you feel -- but fine tuning and untangling this stuff has helped me put names to it all, and then better understand what's happening to me when I am freaking out, and then eventually apply solutions which better match what's going on."

"And all that can make me drink."

"Oh no, not really.  All that is just ... the stuff ... you drink because you're a hope-to-die falling down drunk.  You drink because you're an alcoholic.  That part isn't complicated at all."

"Oh ... ummm, great, that, uh, that's simple enough.  Good news.  I guess."

Comments

[Jessie R]

Ouch that one reflects me and thank God for the program of AA that shows me my reflection in so many ways and also shows me the change in reflections through self-examination, sharing with others and always being willing to reflect God ...

So grateful for these reflections and blogs!

[Ed G.]

Nice post.

A few years ago I had an opportunity to sponsor a man who was really good at "reading people" (fits your description well). I also was intimately acquainted (in only the way we can in AA) with most of the people in his circle.

His "read" was 100% wrong - no exceptions. When I confronted him with this fact, it was more than he could accept. I don't think he's accepted it (or forgiven me) since.

Blessings and aloha...

[AE]

Fascinating. Describes me to a T. Although I didn't have a bad childhood.

I thought I was strongly intuitive with a good sense of body languague and very observant.

But it is definitely a case of hypervigilance.

I think I must work on retaining the 'gifts' of hypervigilance and losing the associated paranoia.

And not drink.

Thank you for this.

[Linda R.]

Mostly I don't look around a room of full of strangers because I don't want to know what my mind tells me they really think of me... I didn't realize this was a characteristic of my alcoholism. I am learning so much about this disease, which I am finally willing to admit I am powerless over, from your blog. I come here for strength and depend on your wisdom. Thank you.