Then ... later that very same afternoon: H.A.L.T. (Shining a flashlight under the rocks in my head.)

Morning:
Did some work, did some housework, answered some emails, returned some phone calls.

Afternoon:
Sponsee came over and we read the beginning of Chapter 5, 'How it Works' in the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" (AA's Big Book, for the new kids).  Did the 3rd Step with him and got him started on the resentment portion of his 4th Step inventory.  A wonderful time together, he is a bright and eager member of AA, and taking him through the 12 Steps has been a terrific and illuminating process for us both.

Then ... later that very same afternoon:
BOOM! I was in serious H.A.L.T. -- I was Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired.
The hungry and tired fed the lonely, and after listening to one really rather harmless voice mail message, it just ... went south, and I got angry.  Really angry.  (For no good reason, and I knew it, but that didn't stop it).  I hated myself, I hated everyone else and I hated A.A.  As quick as the flip of a switch, I went from sunshine to thunderheads.  Regular readers of this blog know that I have often posted here of days filled with gratitude, of time spent working with other alcoholics as the high point of my life ... and those words were true when I wrote them and are as true and heartfelt right this moment ... but earlier today, in H.A.L.T. it was ugly.  I was ugly.  And those other times and feelings were obscured or out of reach.

Okay, so that was how I felt.  But what did I do?

I prayed for help, then I ate, then I prayed again.
I kept writing texts to people I knew who would be at the meeting I regularly attend on Tuesday nights with requests to cover my service commitment because I didn't want to go to the meeting (in my head it was a virtual snarl, "I'm not going to that [expletive deleted] AA meeting tonight!  I've already [long self-pitying laundry list of service] this week and it's only Tuesday.  Screw that meeting, and screw AA!"  Kids, I don't want to scare ya, but that's with 20+ years of sobriety and active in AA under my belt.)
After I would write the texts I would delete them rather than send them.

I prayed some more, and I felt a teeny bit better.  Wrote and deleted another "will you cover my commitment tonight" text.

I wrote a quick four column inventory and looked at my part in a few things that had set me off, and I felt another teeny bit better.

Wrote and deleted yet another text about covering my commitment at the meeting.

Said to myself, "I'm not going to the meeting" all during my getting ready to go to the meeting.

Said to myself, "I'm not going to the meeting" as I opened the door and went to the meeting.

Got to the meeting, and within five minutes the thunder clouds blew out to sea and I was fine.

What's the point?  Well, there are several:

• 20+ years sober and active in AA does not mean that I can't get mugged by alcoholic thinking, self pity, fear, etc.  Nor does it exempt me from the simple basics of brain chemistry maintenance.  I am vulnerable to self destructive impulses when I let my brain chemistry get out of whack from hunger, fatigue, etc.  Sometimes the reason you're angry is not some deep, esoteric issue -- it's because you've had one lousy protein bar six hours ago and consumed an entire pot of coffee in the meantime.  And the cautionary part of this is also that once the switch flips from light to dark sometimes it doesn't unflip quite so easily.

• Contrary action is the most important and life saving habit AA has given me.  Like a spoiled brat I will throw a mental tantrum about doing what AA asks of me, but even during the tantrum I'm in forward motion to do what AA suggests I do.  The power of the contrary action habit is enormous:  I form and take seriously my sober routine when I'm not having a temper tantrum so that when I am there's momentum enough to carry me through.

• It would have been comfortably face-saving to dash off a witty little post about something from the Big Book tonight, and hide my ugly afternoon behind an intellectual knowledge of what AA talks about in the literature.  But a part of that contrary action is to, whenever I want to save my face, opt to save my ass instead -- because it seems to be one or the other, for alcoholics of my type.  No one is helped when I pretend I'm fine when I'm decidedly not fine.  I help myself, and potentially others, when I share my mess and my ugly, should-be-better-than-that-but-there-it-is alcoholic thinking, and how I got through it. 

• Service is the key, and honest sharing is service.  In my experience, sharing in AA, whatever form the sharing takes, is next to useless unless I regularly smash through my ego-based fear of what people will think of me, and instead open my mouth (or pound away on the keyboard) and let you see what's really going on in my head -- regardless of how it may look -- or, more accurately, what I fear it may look like.

That's the challenge, kids:  We have to keep sharing -- keep picking up that metaphorical flashlight and shining it under the rocks in our heads.  No matter how much time sober you have, be it 20+ days or 20+ years.

And sometimes -- thankfully it's only sometimes -- when H.A.L.T. has you on the ropes and your alcoholism is coming in for the kill, that flashlight you're trying to pick up and shine around suddenly has all the weight of your ego and vanity trying to hold it down.

You can do it though -- after all, your life depends on it. 

Comments

[Steve E]

Certainly have been there--and lived--doing what you did, and what many others do...daily

[Always Carol]

Thanks for your honesty, I will feel less lonely the next time that it happens to me. I loved the phrasing of 'being mugged by your thinking', it captures the vicious suddeness of it.

[Ed G.]

Been there @25+ years. Got the same results.

Right on...

Blessings and aloha and this too shall pass...