Mr. SponsorPants

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. An ongoing series.

There are two kinds of discontent:

The first is one in which I am called to use the gifts God gave me to make a bigger, fuller experience of life for myself (and often what makes that life bigger and fuller is using those gifts to be of service to others).  This is what Emmet Fox describes as the "Divine Discontent."  It is the spark -- the itch -- which drives a caterpillar to spin a cocoon and transform themselves, even though at the beginning of that process there is no way a caterpillar on the leaf could imagine a life in the sky.

The other discontent is the ever-hungry need for more -- the part of my alcoholism which is never (ever) satisfied with what I have, where I am -- who I am -- and looks ever forward, like a cheating sweetheart slow dancing with you, but always looking over your shoulder at who's walking in the room.  That part of me, made acute and intense by my alcoholism, is sure that what I have and who I am is not enough... but promises that the Next Big Exciting Thing will fix me.

The first kind can be a catalyst for great and intensely rewarding lives, and seems to be a healthy part of the growing process, as right as the turning of the seasons.

The second kind is a mofo, and it will turn you out.

Questions via Email: My sponsor doesn't call back, should I move on?

Hi,

I have about a month clean now.  I had some time and then went out for several years.  When I actually connect with my sponsor it's all good and they help me a lot, but it seems like half the time they don't call back and for over a week now they keep on saying we need to meet to go over stuff I have written but they keep on canceling.  I don't know if I should just move on and get a new sponsor or I am just being unrealistic in my expectations.  They have only been my sponsor for about ten days now.

Thanks.

Sincerely,

Should I Move On?

Dear SIMO,

First off, welcome back!  It's tough coming back from a relapse -- I know some folks who, after the dust settled, were actually grateful for their slip as it removed any lingering doubts they had about their alcoholism or their ability to handle it on their own.  It is my sincere hope that your relapse didn't create too much damage in your life, yet you have a sense of certainty about your addiction and what AA can offer you in the way of recovery, coupled with a fresh willingness to avail yourself of it.

And SIMO, that's a great open minded way to look at this question, considering that your expectations may be unrealistic.  I'm a little torn in my answer to you, in that, on the one hand, we're talking about a time frame of ten days, and "not getting back to you half the time" over the course of ten days may feel like a greater lack of contact than it is, practically speaking. 

On the other hand -- and I think, based on my experience as both a sponsor and a sponsee I'm a bit more inclined to go with this -- you deserve a sponsor that is able to respond to you in a timely enough manner that you feel like you have a valid connection with them.

I will say that I tell all of my sponsees quite clearly that there are two kinds of messages you can leave me:

There's the "Hey there, Mr. SP, just calling to check in and say hello, things are ..." and they go on to tell me about their day or progress on something they're dealing with.

And then there's the "Hi Mr. SP, something's up and if you can call me back as soon as you can that would be great."

In other words, if you want to call and say "hey there!" that's great and I love hearing from you, but don't expect me to mystically intuit that you are hanging on by your fingernails through some telepathic ability to read between the lines in your chipper "just calling to say hello!" type message.

I must say, I find that somewhat common, SIMO -- people who call and leave a message pretty much saying words to the effect "everything's dandy I'm just saying hello" when they are in fact just about to storm into their boss's office and start screaming until spittle flies out of their mouths and they burst a blood vessel in their eye; or standing in the liquor section of their local grocer, heavy petting a bottle of Stoli and wiping drool from the corner of their mouth.  If you tell me "everything's dandy" I'm going to take your word for it.  If you tell me you're in crisis I'm going to get busy.  In this way we each take responsibility for asking for and giving help when needed.  There's some weird passive/aggressive set-up going on with that, pretending that a sponsor doesn't care or doesn't respond when the message makes no mention of anything other than that everything's fine.  (I'm not saying you're doing that, SIMO -- I'm just saying I've been on the receiving end of this con.)  That kind of thing is all wrapped up in assigning blame and playing the victim.  And that's a hard behavior to break.

It sounds like your sponsor wants to be more available to you, but may not be able to be (for whatever reason).

I suggest you call with some specific suggestions of when to meet -- giving several options.  "Hi, it's me, I would love to get together soon, are you free Monday at noon, Wed. at 8pm or Sunday some time in the afternoon?"  And then face-to-face ask about schedule and availability and call-backs, etc.

Remember, when you call your sponsor you're not bothering them, you're actually offering them a gift -- a chance to free themselves from their own alcoholic self-obsession and work their 12th Step.

If you don't feel like your sponsor has that frame of reference about your phone calls, then in my experience that is a problem.  (Of course as a hyper-sensitive self-obsessed alcoholic I can tend to think I know what other people are thinking, that is, I can imagine they think I am bothering them when in fact they don't think that at all.  There is some strange thing in many people -- magnified in alcoholics, I believe -- that if someone says "oh no, you're not bothering me" I assume they're just being polite, but if they don't say anything one way or the other then I assume they feel put out that I've called.  If you want to know how your sponsor feels about something, ask them, and then try to take them at their word.)

If after you call your sponsor with some specific dates to meet you don't get an answer in a timely manner (I would say a day) and/or you get a call back but schedules are such that finding a time to meet is nearly an insurmountable task, then perhaps it is time to look for a different sponsor.

Because you definitely deserve someone whom you not only have a great rapport with, but who is available enough for you to feel connected to as a sponsor. 

Coming back from a relapse is no easy journey -- now that you're back you want to make good use of all the tools of recovery to stay back -- and sponsorship is a vital tool in that process.

Hope that was helpful!

Cheers!

Mr. SP

Some days are hard, and it feels like this:

A mystery solved

Well, it turns out that some of the emails people have sent me were shunted into my Spam folder -- I have no idea why.

It never even occurred to me to check that folder till I moused over it and saw it had a bunch of stuff in it.

So my sincere apologies to those who wrote in and never got any response at all -- I'll get cracking on those asap.

Questions via Email: What a mess.

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

In my state we have a special program run through the courts and the DMV which under certain conditions, (most usually following multiple DUI charges and a sentence to attend 12 Step meetings) requires a sponsor to "stand up for" their sponsee.  A friend of mine was involved in this, and at the time of their hearing my friend and their sponsor were having a bit of a love fest.  My friend had a bit of a revolving door sobriety, usually getting to the 90 day mark and then relapsing and returning.  They are newly dually diagnosed which of course complicated -- and no doubt contributed to -- their relapses.  With the help of a therapist they decided to choose a different sponsor.

Some weeks later their former sponsor has written an unsolicited letter to the DMV revealing 5th Step information.  (Now I cannot speak to the former sponsor's motivation regarding whether it was vindictiveness or misplaced uber sponsor loving).  In any case it is a violation.  I asked an old timer who suggested calling Central Office?  Does my friend have any recourse?  What do you think?

Concerned Friend

Dear Concerned Friend,

I kept having to reread this question because at every new turn in the story I would go, "Huh?" and back up to see if I had missed something.  What a mess.  To try and sort things out I am going to have to answer in kind of a list format -- I'm afraid I must warn you in advance that there are bits of my answer which will stray dangerously close to my opinion -- sorry, I'll try to keep it in check but ... eee gads, what a mess.

1.  I have heard of friends and sponsors showing up in court to support people, write letters volunteering character references or in some kind of "friend of the court" angle trying to explain that since so-and-so has come to AA they've been a model sober sort.  Doing this as a person, a friend, is all well and good.  Lovely.  Warm.  Supportive.  The fellowship in action.  Anything that sets the sponsor up as some sort of expert or authority to "vouch" for someone is a bad, effed up thing, in my humble opinion.  The courts have no real understanding of what the 12 Step deal is, they're just funneling people as part of a (misguided, again, my opinion) stab at harm reduction.  Yes, I know people who came in on Court Cards, or people that showed up, left, and then came back some time later, grateful for that early contact the court sentence gave them ... but in my heart I've always been troubled by the legal systems compelling people to attend 12 Step meetings.  Yes, without a doubt it helped some people that are important to me find their way to AA -- but it still seems wrong somehow -- and there's just no way to ever measure if it's done more harm than good.  Regardless, a sponsor is just another drunk trying to stay sober, and the system itself is flawed if they are placing any kind of diagnostic or administrative responsibility/authority on the sponsor to "stand up for" their sponsee.

2.  By "love fest" I assume you mean that they were close and had a good rapport, but not romantic.

3.  What the hell is your friend's therapist doing getting mixed up in who should sponsor your friend?  That's a mess right there (unless by "love fest" you meant that they were romantically involved, but other readers will have to take my word for it that in the unchanged email that Concerned Friend sent me -- that is, before I blurred details and took the genders and some specifics out -- it seemed unlikely that "love fest" meant romance.)  I don't know what kind of therapist is making suggestions of any sort about sponsorship, but it sounds like a bad practice to me.

4.  There is never, ever an acceptable motivation or reason to reveal what someone in AA has told you in confidence in the role of sponsor, be it in an inventory, or just plain telling you.  The motivation is irrelevant.  A person who would do that will likely wind up drunk -- let's just hope they don't damage too many others on their way out.

5.  I don't know why you would call Central Office, or what anyone might expect them to do about it.  They are not a governing body, they have no authority -- no one in AA holds authority over anyone else.  They cannot "censure" anyone, nor can they contact the court, the DMV or your great Aunt Maude on anyone's behalf. 

6.  There is no recourse in any of this for your friend, other than to choose not to interact with their former sponsor, and begin to try to pray for a forgiving heart.  And maybe to look for a therapist who has a better set of boundaries.  And to understand that no matter how many diagnosises they may have, you need to match the treatment to the condition.

7.  I think you are well intentioned in trying to help your friend, but you are, as the kids say, "all up in this" and that sounds like its own kind of mess.  I think you can be a loving helpful friend but not try to wade in and fix anything.  That would be my suggestion to you.

And finally,

8.  If your friend has a habit of driving under the influence, then I believe their charges should not be reduced, and they should lose their license for the maximum length of time.  In fact, if I ran the circus, anyone who got popped for driving under the influence would lose their license for a year solid, no exceptions and no conditional driving (like to-and-from work) allowed.  (And you don't even want to hear what I think should happen to second offense or multiple offense people.  Though phrases like "fire ants" and " continuous low voltage" and "mandatory organ donation" all figure prominently in it.)

That doesn't really address anything in your question, I just had to get it off my chest.  Anything that helps reduce the consequences for an alcoholic in any way at all is rarely a good thing.

Hope some of that helps with this tangle.

Cheers.

the lonely man

He is not an alcoholic.  Barely had a drop of alcohol and never done any drugs (any!) in his whole life.

He had been married for 28 years.  Five children, ranging in age from early 20's to early teens.  A devout man of faith, his life guided by the Torah and the faith of his fathers.

Nearly fifty years old and suddenly divorced (married young), it is a turn in his story that is strangely both sad and joyous.  An ending and a beginning.  He embarks on a new way to be true to himself -- a new life.  To say more is to share details which are not mine to tell, and really not the point of this story.  I am compelled to add, though, that while divorce is always a sad thing (well, almost always I suppose), the responsibility for his marriage ending can be shared with his ex-wife -- there are not really any villains to the piece.  Wreckage, to be sure, but no bad guys, and little blame.

Still and all, from a home full of life and wife and children and memories he finds himself living alone, in a small studio apartment, in many ways starting from scratch.

We met casually.  Socially.  I had no idea when I started making small talk that I would be presented with a confused and broken heart, a man who felt somewhat abandoned by the faith of his fathers, who could talk himself into feeling brave by day, but alone, in his little studio apartment, was lost and lonely each night.

I did what AA taught me to do.  When I realized he needed to talk, that this was not some casual chit-chat, but a person in pain -- maybe more pain than they even realized themselves -- I listened.  I wasn't uncomfortable with the deeply personal nature of what he started to tell me.  I didn't feel any judgment of his story, or fear when he tentatively revealed how lost and needy he had become.  I knew I didn't have to really do anything, just witness for him, and from being listened to he would find some measure of comfort, maybe begin some healing even if only for a while.  I have seen that -- and felt it -- enough to know it is true.  That knowledge -- and that gift -- is mine by way of Alcoholics Anonymous.

"It's like you spend your whole life inventing yourself, first as a student, then a worker, then a husband, then a father ... "  I nodded, and just looked at him calmly, comfortable with letting him find his own words, another AA gift I've learned, from all the hours I've sat and listened to sponsees -- and all the hours sponsors have sat and listened to me.

"... and after a lifetime of inventing myself, I find out I'm a schmuck, and I've been kidding myself, and so was my ex-wife ... and ... and now I guess I have to re-invent myself."

I smiled, but as sometimes happens when people are raw, they are also guarded, and ready to take offense when none is intended.

"What?  You think that's funny?  My pain should be your punchline?"  he asked.

"No!  No no no... it's just that... well, I guess I have some little bit of experience with re-inventing yourself." 

Mollified, he went on, and as I said, mostly I listened, letting some measure of his hurt and confusion hopefully bleed out through the words, offering only a nod or "uh huh" as seemed appropriate.

"But the hardest part in a way," he said "is how do I make friends now?"  He was a grown man, father to five children, with advanced degrees and no small amount of business acumen, from what I could tell.  But none of that could hide the kind of naked plea inside such a thing, when it is said with the honest bewilderment I saw in him.  I suggested that in reinventing himself it seemed he would have to relearn how to connect with people, too.

We talked more, I said that he was perhaps being hasty in thinking he was abandoned by his faith, and that these things took time.  I was grateful that my frame of reference is based on AA's tolerance of any path, spiritually speaking.  I didn't have to side with him against "them" -- or with "them" against him -- in the question of his, or any, religion.  Only share my own experience that maybe God isn't too worried about some of the things which some people suggest God might be worried about, and that no one owns prayer and meditation -- and that maybe there is not one right way to practice it.  He was an intelligent man, these were not light bulb sparking ideas I was suggesting, but sometimes we need to hear people say the things we hope are true.

Eventually I disengaged (I was happy to listen, happy to share, but as with many lonely people there is a well of Need that can swallow you whole, if after a couple of hours you don't gently, firmly step back) but I made sure to exchange emails and we're set to have coffee later this week.

On the way home I thought about that one plaintive question he asked:  "... how do I make friends?"

And I thought about how AA offers that in such an embarrassment of riches.  Whole roomfuls of people ready to greet you, to hear you out, to take that most valuable of commodities, their time, and spend it on you. 

What's that line from the Doors song?  "People are strange, when you're a stranger..."  I know not every town, not every meeting, may offer what I have found in Alcoholics Anonymous.  Though I have been to meetings in hundreds of cities in dozens of states (and a couple of countries) over the years, and always found that bit of magic I first encountered (sometimes a blaze, sometimes a spark, but always there) I suppose it is naive to claim it can be found in all meetings... but I'll lay odds that it can be found in most.  I've heard many, many more stories about welcome and acceptance than I have of anything else in AA.

AA doesn't own a friendly and inclusive philosophy, but certainly offers it with little or no requirement, and practices it in earnest.  (And if reading that makes you angry, or doubtful, I can only shrug and say that has been my overwhelming experience of Alcoholics Anonymous, for many years now.)

AA has offered me an avalanche of love and support, a tidal wave of warm, clumsy, often awkward, sometimes infuriating, messy and wonderful human contact:  True friends.

Even those of us who show up too damaged to embrace it can at least stand next to it, and know that it is there, and maybe somehow eventually learn to take it in.

This morning, sitting in a meeting I love and feel loved in, against the backdrop of my conversation with the lonely man it was so clear how much AA has offered me in so many ways -- but most especially in the gift of friends.

It was only when I sat down to write this that, as is often the way, the point of something I'm thinking about is revealed to me.

The real healing gift from AA in this regard is not the having of true friends.

It's the learning how to be one.

I'm not driving.

I remember once, a very long time ago, driving my niece to the play park.  She was young enough to be in a car seat, and although usually happy about riding in the car -- and always happy to be at the park -- she had gotten herself all tangled and upset in the way only a small child can.  Her sweatshirt was half backwards, one shoe had been kicked off, and somehow she'd managed to get part of the seatbelt behind her head and couldn't free herself from it.  She was a mess, and the more she fussed the more of a mess she was and the more of a mess she was the more she fussed.

It struck me then what a metaphor her situation was for my relationship with God.

We were doing something she ordinarily liked to do, and we were going someplace she was going to enjoy.  But no matter how much she fussed or what she did she had no control over where we were going or the route we would take to get there ... all she had any control over was her own state, her own comfort on the ride... and that she had managed to turn upside down and backwards.

I pulled over and got her straightened out, and we went on to a nice afternoon sliding down slides and swinging on swings and sandboxing in sandboxes.

But the image and the metaphor has always stayed with me.

I have no control over the route or the destination -- though based on past experience, when we get where we're going I'm probably going to discover that I like it.  All I have control over is my state as I ride along -- and I can make myself miserable and uncomfortable or I can sit back and observe in wonder the passing scenery.

But regardless of whichever I choose, I'm along for the ride, I'm not driving.

Mr. SponsorPants Annual Holiday Survival Guide

Last year I didn't publish this till December 25th, at which time it was pointed out to me in terms strong and acerbic (hence all the italics -- some people just speak in italics) that maybe I was a little late.  In fact, they said something like, "You put this up on Christmas?  What the hell is the point in that?  The holidays are practically over at that point.  You should have put it up before Thanksgiving, when people are beginning to deal with this and make plans.  That was stupid."

Ouch.  Point taken.  So here it is:

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Mr. SponsorPants Annual Holiday Survival Guide

Holidays, families and alcoholics.  A potent combination, be it for feeling gratitude or copping an attitude.  As the old joke goes, no one knows how to push your buttons like your family -- after all, they installed them.

With that said, here is some of the best I can offer when it comes to holiday parties, family visits, and this whole wonderful/terrible time of year:

1. Remember, you don't have to go.  Yes, yes, maybe you should go.  Maybe it's a bad idea for your career, or it would be hurtful or disappointing to someone if you don't go -- those can be compelling reasons to get on a plane or show up at a party -- but you don't have to go.  You aren't trapped, and you can change your mind at any time if you need to -- you can turn that car right around on the way to the airport or before you enter the parking structure.  If you are a real addict your life is on the line, and though we can be prone to drama and selfish decisions, it's better in my humble opinion to stay sober and after the fact determine that you might have been oversensitive or dramatic, than to decide that in advance and force yourself to go somewhere slippery when you're feeling frightened, resentful and trapped -- and then relapse.  Because if you really are an alcoholic then your alcoholism really is trying to kill you -- and you may have taken the holiday off, but it hasn't.

2. Remember, you can leave.  In the middle of a sentence, in the middle of a toast, in the middle of the cutting of a cake, you can, without drama, without a scene, excuse yourself and leave.  If the occasion or the moment seems to indicate a reason should be offered, just say you suddenly feel ill and step out.  It's not even a falsehood, though you may mean emotionally or spiritually ill and others may think the artichoke dip didn't agree with you.  In fact, it doesn't matter if people in the moment believe you or not, or if you have to explain a little more later, or make amends after the fact -- it is better to leave quietly and stay sober than remain at an event and relapse -- because if you relapse, they'll most likely wish you'd have left.  As I've said to sponsees, you can leave with a fork halfway to your mouth, if you have to.  Which leads me to...

3.  Remember, if at all possible, drive yourself and don't give anyone a lift -- not out of selfishness, out of self preservation.   If you have to leave because you are freaking out and you think you might not be able to stay sober then you need to leave -- not wait for someone to dither around saying goodbye or getting their coat or finishing that last slice of pie.  If you do have someone with you, hopefully you can explain in advance that you might have to leave abruptly -- not that you're planning on it, but that you might need to -- so help them have a Plan B for leaving if they want to stay, or perhaps agree that they're willing to leave on short notice with you.  If you're the passenger, be ready to call a cab or walk to the bus stop or at least step outside for some air.  Which brings us to...

4.  Remember, you can leave and then come back.  Leaving doesn't have to mean leaving the whole event and going home or back to the hotel or wherever -- go for a walk, get some of that aforementioned air, sit in the car and scream (though the valet may look at you funny) -- and then once you've gotten your equilibrium again go back in -- with an eye on the Exit for Round 2, if you have to.

5.  Remember, don't expect Program responses from people that aren't in the Program.  There you are, flush with recovery and armed with a whole new language to identify how you feel and communicate it with people.  Remember that the family dinner table is not a 12 Step Meeting, and you may start "sharing" rather than talking only to be met with "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."  Or worse (in my book) patronizing smiles that are the equivalent of a pat on the head and a "isn't that nice, dear."  Again: Don't expect people that aren't in a 12 Step Program to act like people in a 12 Step Program.  (And what's the set up there? The evil alcoholic node in that sentence?  "expect" -- expectations of family are some of the deepest -- and often least conscious -- and most lethal expectations an alcoholic can have.  Yes, it's a high bar to clear -- an impossible bar to clear in fact, to have absolutely no expectations of people -- but if you're aware of the mechanism at work it helps keep the resentments from running you ragged.)

6. Remember, for most addicts, maybe = yes.  If you think you might drink or use if you visit certain people or places then that's just a prelude to actually doing so.  Be sure of yourself.  If you're not sure, the stakes are too high to play a people-pleasing game and place yourself at risk.

7. Remember, other people find the holidays difficult and emotionally charged as well.  You're not the only one having a tough time of it -- watch for your ego, and rather than sit in your own upset, see who and how you can help wherever you may be or whomever you may be with.

8.  Remember, "Please pass the gravy" is not code for "Please, now that you're sober, unload all of your pent up anger and frustration you've been stuffing for the past X years, right here right now, during dinner." 

9.  Remember, Alcoholics Anonymous suggests when dealing with resentments, we set them on paper.  Even for those of us that are learning we are not door mats it is not necessarily smart to immediately confront a situation head on.  In fact, by writing out a quick inventory (and be careful where you leave that paper lying around if you're visiting home, Bucko) and organizing your thoughts and feelings you can then confront something and talk about the actual thing that caused your resentment, rather than get all tripped up talking about your feelings and anger.  It's a very different thing to say "Please don't make jokes about my job" instead of "I feel angry when you make jokes about my job."  The latter will just create a discussion about your feelings, and that's not what you're trying to do -- you're trying to set a boundary, not invite opinions on your emotional sensitivity level.  If you write out your resentment you can get clarity in your head before you open your mouth -- I've tried it the other way, to spectacularly poor results, I assure you.  And all that is said with a giant IF in front of the idea that it is wise for you to "confront" anyone at all.  Most of the time it probably isn't.

10.  Remember, it is possible to look like you're listening intently to someone while you are actually saying The Serenity Prayer over and over in your head.

11.  Remember, "love and tolerance is our code."  If your family, or your boss, or your employees, or whomever, actually could do any better they probably would.  For particularly difficult, toxic or challenging people try to consider that it is much worse to be them than to deal with them -- keep at the forefront of your mind that those who trouble us are spiritually sick themselves, and are deserving of our compassion (as difficult as it may be to summon for some) more than our criticism.

12.  Remember, you may not have been such a winner yourself on past occasions -- it may take a while for people to "see" who you are today.  Be patient, show who you are now rather than tell who you are now, and things will eventually change.

13.  Remember, miracles do happen -- damaged relationships heal, wounded parties forgive, shattered families come back together ... it doesn't happen the way we may envision it, or with a clever soundtrack and excellent lighting as in your favorite independent film, but it really does happen.

14.  Remember, breathe.  Just three deep breaths before speaking can save a life.  I am not exaggerating.

15.  Remember, it is not your family's job to understand alcoholism or Alcoholics Anonymous -- it's yours.

16.  Remember, it's not your job to diagnose everyone in your family with your magical new sober powers, nor is it your job to whip out your spiritual took kit and try to fix anyone around you.  AA is a program of attraction, not promotion.  When in doubt, keep your mouth shut.

17.  Remember, AA is a "design for living" -- and what that means in the real world is that other people's behavior does not dictate my behavior -- you can't make me yell or behave badly, only I can make me do that.  I am not a doormat, but I don't have to go to every fight I'm invited to, either.

18.  And finally, remember, bring your Higher Power with you -- you're not going in their alone.

      ______________________________________________________________

Why 18 and not a nice round number like 20?  Dunno -- I only have 18 I guess.

Happy holidays to all, and whatever you celebrate, it is a special day, but it is also just another 24 hours, and one minute at a time, this too shall pass.

Cheers!

Just a bit more about antidepressants and sober alcoholics, etc.

Recently I got an email asking about what "some people in AA say" about antidepressants and other medications.

While no one speaks for Alcoholics Anonymous -- we have no official spokesperson -- there are a number of places in AA literature which clearly state that AA suggests people only take direction regarding medication from doctors and other qualified, licensed professionals.  The book "Alcoholics Anonymous" (AA's Big Book) advises that "the world is blessed with many fine doctors and we would do well to make good use of them" (a rough but accurate-to-the-spirit-of-the-quote paraphrase).  There is also a great brochure -- which sounds so lame, I know, suggesting people read a brochure -- with an intelligent and balanced discussion of this issue, but again, reiterates that people should follow a doctor's recommendations when it comes to medicine, not anyone else -- be they a sponsor, a spouse, an impassioned and opinionated sober friend or a crusty middle-aged sober blogger.  (Okay, they didn't actually say that last one, but I think it's implied.)

Just in case the five times I said it in my previous writings I may not have been completely clear, I will say it once more here:

A doctor -- a licensed medical doctor -- is the only person one should listen to about what medication is or is not appropriate for a recovering alcoholic to take.  No sponsor or any other member of any 12 Step group is qualified to give direction on this -- in fact, persons who try to do so are both misrepresenting what Alcoholics Anonymous itself states and also should be viewed with grave misgivings.  And are probably on an ego trip.  And might also be, as my mother used to say, nutsy-kookoo.

In addition let me say that not only should a doctor be involved in putting you on a medication, but there should be check-ins to be sure dosages are within appropriate parameters and no one should suddenly stop taking medication without involving a doctor as well -- that is sometimes the most important thing of all.

I confess after I put up the answer to the email question about antidepressants I did not feel good about it.  And by that I mean I think my answer was clear, but a little ... simplistic.  On one level, yes, it is a very simple question:  Who should you listen to about medication?  A doctor and only a doctor.

But on another level sometimes it is not a simple issue at all.

Nothing I write here is intended to undermine or contradict what I said above or in my earlier post about taking medication only with a doctor's advice.  But to let that stand on its own without further discussion doesn't feel clean to me, and so I am moved to add the following:

I think it is naive to paint all doctors with a broad brush.  Some doctors are less familiar than others with addiction.   Some doctors are just as happy to listen for 20 seconds and then whip out a prescription pad and write a few 'scrips and then send you on your way, billing your insurance company (if you're lucky enough to have insurance) and moving on to the next patient.  As in any profession, the quality of the professional can vary widely.

And I think it is especially naive to forget that the pharmaceutical industry is not part of some grand philanthropic movement, bent solely on bettering the lives of people everywhere.  There is a product to be sold and a sophisticated sales and marketing element in play to get that product moving -- and not only is the general public sometimes influenced by that element, but doctors and the medical profession as well.  Some treatments -- and medications -- seem to come "into fashion."

Also, I think it is fair to say that many addicts are adept at playing doctors false, and claiming levels of anxiety (or depression or whatever) -- or convincing themselves that they are experiencing anxiety (or whatever) -- which may not be entirely true.

My experience is that there is situational depression (or anxiety) and organic depression (or anxiety) -- the former comes from tough things which happen in life and the latter from genuine brain chemistry imbalances, or crossed wires, etc.  My experience is that medicating situational depression or anxiety is potentially a bad idea for someone in recovery. 

Today we are more adept at identifying the many, many different kinds of mental and emotional illnesses there are, and no one should suffer needlessly.  In getting a diagnosis it is important to consider the genetics factor.  Looking at family history can be a big clue as to what is appropriate diagnosis and treatment.  But it is certainly possible that people in someone's family tree remained undiagnosed --  it's not always going to provide solid information -- we know more now.  Plainly put, just because (for example) no one in your family has been diagnosed as manic-depressive doesn't mean it doesn't run in your family -- but at the same time, if no one in previous generations or your extended family has been diagnosed with something you think you might have, and there are no family "stories" about them which paint a picture of organic imbalance ... well, that should be a clue to examine things more carefully before embracing any labels.

If an addict is taking medication as directed for severe anxiety or depression that they have experienced, then it is a damn good thing there are such medicines available to help them.  But if an addict is taking medication because they are afraid they are going to have feelings of anxiety or depression ... that is troubling, and I would urge anyone in such a situation to consult with a psychologist and get some good 12 Step input IN ADDITION TO talking with a doctor -- but NOT instead of.

Many people I sponsor are on appropriate medications for a variety of issues.  My suggestion to those that ask my experience on the subject is that, if they have more than one doctor prescribing medicines they commit to making sure all the doctors know about each other.  I suggest they write down all the different medications they are taking, what dosages and for what conditions -- just for the sake of clarity.

Most medications of this nature work best with a consistent application -- and for an addict to feel like they're taking medicine instead of drugs it is a good idea to have a rock solid routine as to when the medication is taken, i.e., always take it before you shower in the morning, or just before bed, or what-have-you.

Just as it's our responsibility to be smart about our recovery, and learn about the 12 Steps and the principles of the Program, it is each person's responsibility to learn about whatever medication they may be taking -- so they can be wise about noticing any changes in themselves -- for the better or worse -- over the course of their treatment.

Addicts are shortcut people.  If you tell me I have to do the work or I can take a pill, I want the pill.  Real medicine is not a shortcut, it is something to help you function -- and the long term ramifications for addicts who are looking for a medicinal shortcut are not good when it comes to staying sober.

The most terrifying truth in the world to me is that I can convince myself of anything ... anything.  I do not seem to be alone in that -- lots of alcoholics are able to do that.  So I must add here that sometimes it feels like some people are medicated needlessly, or over-medicated, or frighteningly casual about these very powerful drugs. I wouldn't feel like I've been completely honest if I didn't say that, too.

Thus I believe the best follow up to the statement that only a doctor should be giving advice about antidepressants, or mood stabilizers, or anti-anxiety medication, etc. is that people in recovery should go very slowly and carefully in this area.  Proceed with caution, and only when you are well armed with the facts.

Finally, I think sleeping pills of any sort do not fall under the heading of antidepressants, et al, and are a bad, bad, bad idea for alcoholics.  But maybe that's a post for another time.

Only a doctor should give direction when it comes to medication -- this is merely my attempt at a few follow up suggestions and ideas for people to consider, nothing more.

Shooters -- Quick shots from Meetings

I'm not sure who originally said it, but in AA I have found it to be true:  Listening is an act of love.