I spoke this past Friday at a meeting with more newcomers attending than I'd seen at any one meeting (that wasn't physically located inside some kind of institution) in a long time. The meeting was a step study, sort of a "dealer's choice" thing, where the speaker picks something from the book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (AA's 12&12) to address. I had chosen the 3rd Step, specifically the last page, in which it talks about how, on our own, we must develop the quality of willingness. But sitting there looking out at all those new people (Sweet Jesus, have they gotten younger or have I gotten older? Sadly, both, I guess) in the moment I took some liberties with the format and gave a bit of a run up to Step 3 through 1 and 2. Personally I think it's generally important to respect a meeting's format, but hey, I also have faith that my intuition, when it's being used in the service of carrying the message, can be trusted.
After the meeting a young man approached me. He'd not been one of those who identified as a newcomer, but proceeded to tell me that this was his very first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. We got him set up with a Meeting Directory and a Big Book, and I chatted with him a bit and got his phone number. (Intuition again. Had I given him mine I sensed he would never have called). In the course of our chat I had to give him my heartiest congratulations. He's one of the few people I've met who had a higher blood alcohol level than I did when he was arrested. I blew a .31 -- generally a robust and impressive blood alcohol level. But he, the rat bastard, topped me by a whole .02 and blew a .33!
"Did you have to go to jail?" he asked.
"Well... my original sentence didn't include jail time, but I screwed up and they came and took me in on a warrant. I wound up doing a week in County and then they moved me out to a work farm for a month."
He brightened when I said that about my original sentence. "So for a first offense..."
"My arrest was more than 25 years ago, and the laws have changed. You need to get a good lawyer, and follow their advice to the letter."
We chatted a bit more, and I asked him if he had any booze in the house, or drugs, he said no, and he lived alone. I pointed out some meetings in the directory and, looking every bit the scared bunny, off he went to another meeting later that afternoon.
I called him the following day, and true to form with any alcoholic, the ego had, like the mighty phoenix, already begun to resurrect itself from the ashes of his fear and humiliation. Gone was the scared bunny, and in its place was a bit more of the fox, sniffing around for holes in the chicken coop.
In telling me about himself on the phone I got the usual mix, he gave me his resume and described himself with the kind of bravado that only an overpaid mid-20-something alcoholic can. Turns out he works in the financial industry, and at one point said to me, "You know, I am the kind of man who gets what he wants." Fortunately I don't have any kind of video phone set up, so I am free to roll my eyes with impunity. And I knew my job was to carry the message, not to voice my opinion about certain professions and certain personality traits and certain attitudes of entitlement and certain financial debacles in certain countries in which certain middle-aged alcoholic bloggers reside. If I want to blow off steam and rant at someone, a brand newcomer to AA is not the appropriate recipient of said ranting. The conversation went on and he described all of his blessings as the terrible burdens he felt them to be, and he played at being the existential victim of his ambition and success. "I don't even know who I really am! I've just done what I was told to do in school and in work my whole life! I started working right out of college and now I have this great house and when I'm fifty I'll have a big 401K, but ..."
"Okay, stop please."
He stopped. I felt so clearly my responsibility in this exchange.
"Let me throw something out there, and maybe I'm right or maybe I'm wrong -- it's just something for you to consider."
"Okay."
"Your life is exactly the way you want it to be. There is not one thing you have going on that you don't like or don't want, other than this arrest hanging over your head right now. And your life has been ordered that way for some time. Not five minutes ago you described yourself as the kind of guy who 'gets what he wants.' Your whole life is oriented towards giving yourself what you want, and overcoming obstacles to those things. That's all fine, actually, but if you're an alcoholic, you have a problem that's not going to respond to the same kind of drive."
"okay." The bunny wasn't back, but the bravado was starting to fade.
"And there is a pretty huge body of evidence that if someone is an addict of any kind, things get worse."
"yeah. I've seen that show, 'Intervention' and stuff. Well, some of it, I couldn't watch much actually."
"Hey, you may not be an alcoholic. Some people just abuse alcohol. But no one who blows a .33 is an amateur abuser."
"I know! But ... how do I know... ?"
"Well, one thing Alcoholics Anonymous suggests is that you try to control your drinking, and if you can't, you're probably an alcoholic. But I bet you already know deep down if you are or you aren't."
(Kids, he blew a .33. I know -- .31, remember? -- I know what kind of drinker is that drunk and, rather than be unconscious, or too sick to move, is up and out and mobile -- albeit not coordinated -- and gets behind the wheel of a car. Of course the other word for that kind of drinker is FELON but let's stick to the point at hand. In the moment I did not think I was selling to him, and in retrospect I still don't.)
Silence on the line while he pondered this question, and then:
"Yeah, but ..."
(God, if you are there, and there is any kind of Heaven at all, and if I get to go to it, I hope that I can spend the rest of Eternity and never have to hear "Yeah, but..." ever again. Thank you.)
He went on to describe -- again -- his many achievements and stellar accomplishments and fat bank account and big job title.
"Stop please."
"Okay."
"Let me ask you, if you had been diagnosed with diabetes, would any of that help with treating your illness?"
"Well, it could get me good care."
Great. He's a literalist.
"Yes, fine, but would it actually treat the illness? Can you use your bank balance to adjust your insulin levels? Could you, through drive or ambition or willpower or earning potential treat that condition?"
"No, I guess not."
"Okay. Then if you are an alcoholic, you have a medical condition that is no more going to respond to those things than any other disease would."
"You think I should do AA."
"I think that if you are an alcoholic then you have a problem that you cannot solve on your own. And it is a problem that's been documented to get worse over time."
"But you think I should go to AA."
"What I think isn't important, really. You showed up in an AA meeting and you came up to me remember? This isn't some cold call trying to sell you anything. Why did you do those things? Don't answer that, I can answer it for you. Your pride will say, at worst, you were 'worried'... but the truth is you are scared, and not just about the arrest. But you're a little less scared than you were yesterday, and you'll be a little less scared tomorrow, and in my opinion you should look at that. Because maybe that's alcoholism at work. Maybe not. But you're the one that blew a .33, not me. Can you honestly say you think there's nothing wrong with your drinking? And that less than a week after what you described as a scary and humiliating night you're suddenly a little cocky and doesn't that strike you as ... odd? Crazy? Suspicious? Any of the above?"
We talked a lot longer, I'd only meant to call and suggest a meeting and then the whole thing turned into this big long conversation. While the he said/he said above is certainly not word-for-word, I think I'm close and I certainly have the spirit of the exchange, as I remember it.
I suggested he check out some more meetings before making any decisions, and to feel free to call me if he didn't want to drink but he was afraid he was going to, or with any other questions.
Then I hung up and thought about how amazing it is that I haven't blown a .3-anything in a long, long time.
And by amazing, I mean, miraculous.
Some days there are no words for the breadth of my gratitude.
THIS is an amazing resource.
Many thanks to those who put it together.
I believe it is an (important) acquired skill in sobriety to take note of when someone you generally like and trust says something that makes you really, really angry. After the anger fades a bit you can usually count on some good insight about yourself based on the degree of your reaction. (And that insight often boils down to: "Huh, I had no idea I was so afraid of that.")
With practice and patience and repeated application of the "spiritual toolkit" AA offers, you can even begin to catch yourself mid-tantrum to see what fear lies at the root of your rage.
Of course, as you learn how to do this you may shoot a few messengers along the way.
That's what the 10th Step is for sometimes: Triage on God's little messengers.
Dear Mr. Sponsor Pants,
I love your blog! Funny and informative.
You are doing a great service not only to people in AA but to those of
us in other 12 step programs like Alanon. I hope you realize this!
I love that you say the newcomer is the most important person in the room. You have inspired me to reach out to newcomers.
I
have been in Alanon for the past six months because of my ex-boyfriend
and my late alcoholic dad. My ex is a beautiful, smart guy in his late
20s who fits the profile of an alcoholic. We are thinking of getting
back together, which would lead to marriage. But I can barely be his
friend right now let alone be his girlfriend with all the lying, "King
Baby" behavior etc.
Do you have any advice regarding voicing my
concerns for his health and the fact that I can't live with the fallout
from the drinking like the lying etc.?
Any advice much appreciated. Keep up the good work!
: ) Mari
Dear Mari,
Thank you for the kind words of encouragement about the blog -- and please, keep reaching out to Newcomers -- it sounds like you have some valuable experience you can share that could very well help a lot of people find real recovery in Alanon, an often misunderstood condition and Program.
Let me steer clear of giving you advice and share with you my experience instead.
Mari, my experience as a sponsor helping people untangle the wreckage of their past from the ism of their present has shown me time and again that people who are children of alcoholics have a pattern of "inappropriate loyalty" -- that is, you stick with people who don't deserve your sticking with them. In many cases, things that would send healthy people running in the opposite direction seem to bind alanons and adult children of alcoholics all the tighter to the actively sick and/or toxic individual.
All of which begs the question: Might that not be the very thing operating in you now? And can you, yourself, see the conflict in your own email? "...thinking of getting back together... would lead to marriage" and "can barely stand to be his friend right now... lying, King Baby..."
Mari, my experience is that the "yes, but ..." which just happened in your head, the flash of irritation with my obvious lack of understanding what is really going on, the strong desire to "explain" your side, his side, etc. ... all of that is very likely the ism of being an adult child of an alcoholic and someone very new to treating their issues via alanon.
My experience is that sick relationships form a script within which both partners helplessly play out their roles, and this dark (and dangerous) dance feeds something toxic in both parties.
My experience as an alcoholic has been that when people voiced their concerns to me about my health as a drinker I either brushed them off or became irritated and angry. I literally would not hear them.
My experience as a lying/drinking alcoholic is that I will continue to lie to get what I want and to protect my drinking -- I don't mean to lie, I just don't want to hear your crap anymore... or I don't want to suffer the consequences of my actions (or inactions)... or I mean it when I make my promises but I can't keep the promise down the line ... or ... or ... or ...
(But there is a tool I know of which might be useful to you. When it comes to drinking alcoholics, this is a fool proof way to determine if they are lying: Look to see if their lips are moving. If they are, they're lying. No, really -- because if they're not actively lying to you then they are most definitely lying to themselves.)
My experience as an alcoholic who's wires are crossed is that when I am in my disease I almost blindly seek the very things which will destroy me -- and when presented with a loving supportive partner something about that seems to actually propel me deeper into my drinking and denial and self destruction.
Mari, the hardest thing I have found with the alanons in my life is for them to see that their disease is just as deadly as the alcoholics -- more so, perhaps, since at least we alcoholics get hangovers and liver damage -- you just live your life trapped within a sick spin cycle of attempts at control, dizzying denial and false hope. And with all the focus on the alcoholic then you don't have to (can't) focus on yourself -- making your own disease and potential recovery that much harder to perceive.
Mari, I am sorry, (really, I am) but my experience from the alcoholic side of the equation is that no matter how strongly you voice your concerns, or how gently, or how comically, or how lovingly, or ... or ... or ... you cannot influence my alcoholism. And to the exact extent you continue to try to is the measure of your untreated alanonism.
There is hope for you -- keep going to alanon! There is hope for your EX-boyfriend -- though he must find it on his own, I believe -- but I fear that to re-engage with him pushes the hope for you both farther out of reach.
Now, let me hasten to say, that you are reading the words of a middle-aged, single alcoholic, who may be completely wrong. My own issues, so often blurted out in any number of posts here, may make it impossible to give you a good take on this -- that idea should certainly be given real consideration. I am glad to share my experience, but I'm no expert. It is possible that you can help him, through "voicing your concerns" via confrontations or threats or ultimatums, to seek treatment for his alcoholism -- and maybe that treatment will stick.
But Mari, let me ask you, don't you deserve a partner who doesn't need for you to do that? Mari, don't you deserve a partner who doesn't need you to fix them? And Mari, here is the tough question: Are you even interested in a partner that doesn't need you to fix them? My experience is that the tougher the question to consider the more valuable doing so may be.
Some of the wisest people I know are veteran, black-belt alanons. Stick with that program, and GO SLOWLY on anything to do with getting back together with the alcoholic in your life.
The sad and frightening truth may be that by trying to help him deal with his alcoholism you may merely feed it.
Some of the best advice that the 12 Step world offers is contrary action. My experience is that when we're new, whatever our ism, that is an excellent star to set your course by.
I apologize if any of what I wrote here was hurtful or unhelpful, and nothing would make me happier than to hear that I was totally wrong, and down the line you two got your no doubt much deserved happily-ever-after.
And finally, you might enjoy reading this blog as well.
Best of luck, and again, thank you for the encouragement about what I'm trying to do here -- that always means a very great deal to me.
Love,
Mr. SponsorPants
"Yeah, yeah, I already know all that."
"Yes, but ..."
"You don't understand -- it's different for me." (also known as: "You don't understand, I'm different!")
"Where's mine?" (Also known as "What am I getting out of it?" and/or "What's in it for me?")
He was a little early this year, but other than that it was business as usual.
"There I sat, listening to the speaker, and they were talking about how they suffered from low self esteem. How over and over again different problems they had in life could be traced to how they suffered so terribly from low self esteem -- and I thought to myself, 'You know what? I suffer from low self esteem too! A lot of my problems can be traced to low self esteem, too!' After the meeting I called my sponsor and told him this. Without missing a beat he said, 'Oh puh-leeeze. Kid, you don't suffer from low self esteem. You suffer from alcoholism.' And I thought, 'Ooooh, yeah. That's right.' "
Later that night I was having dinner with a sponsee and we were talking about how much we'd enjoyed the speaker whom we had heard share the above, and my sponsee remarked:
"When I heard that I thought, 'Yeah, I used to suffer from low self esteem. But now, in sobriety, even though sometimes I have low self esteem, I don't suffer from it.' "
I know exactly what she means.
He was going to be ten years sober.
Although he had, at the end of his drug use, been a crazed, homeless mess, he had managed to get sober and stay clean for nine-plus years. He was a "getting sober" buddy with one of my sponsees, which is how he came to be on my radar.
On March 16th he called my sponsee to announce he was "leaving the Program." (Dramatic!) He "wanted to use." (To the new kids I would submit that only an addict has the grandiosity to believe that the decision to use drugs again requires some sort of press release.) When my sponsee was telling me about this, I asked, "What kind of Program does this guy have?" I don't want to misrepresent what my sponsee said in reply by trying to quote him exactly, but suffice to say he did not describe someone who was, in his 9th year, very active in AA. Or NA. Or CMA. Or any A. He was not, as the expression goes, "in the middle of the lifeboat."
According to my sponsee his getting-sober buddy said something like, "You know, it'll be okay if I just smoke a little pot. And maybe drink a little. Those weren't really my problem."
My sponsee, to his great credit, was having none of it. While other people in this man's life (arguably not 12 Step friends but more "regular" friends) were somewhat blase' -- taking the easy, non-confrontational "metaphysical" stance, sort of "Well, we all have our own path" -- my sponsee let him have it, and was honest, direct and confrontational. Privately he was upset -- shaken and angry and alarmed -- but to his early sobriety buddy he was rock solid recovery and calm, right-between-the-eyes rigorous honesty.
As March progressed and spring arrived my sponsee tried to both keep in touch and not engage -- a delicate balancing act. "Why can't we hang out? I feel like you're judging me. I feel like you're shunning me." was kind of what he got from his friend. "You can meet me at a meeting." was pretty much what my sponsee kept coming back at him with.
May 16th -- two months later (to the day, please note) from that first phone call -- my sponsee got another call. His friend was in the hospital. "Smoke a little pot, maybe drink a little" had become "shoot a little prescription medication" -- shoot three times the suggested amount to ingest, actually -- and the delivery method for this drug was supposed to be oral, not intravenous. But hey, why take the scenic route when you can ride the expressway? Unfortunately he hit an artery, not a vein, and that, plus the kind of drug itself, and the amount of the drug ... things went wrong. He drove himself to the ER. "Something's wrong! Something's wrong with my hand!"
Four of his fingers withered away, and at one point the diagnosis was dry gangrene.
He was in the hospital for 30 days.
He had those four fingers amputated, down to about the second knuckle or so on each finger.
Good news! He kept the thumb.
Out of the hospital, on a fair amount of pain medication, he's been slowly going back to some meetings.
We try to take into account the medication, the trauma, the guilt, the ism -- but even so, it is hard to believe that just the other day he actually said to my sponsee, "You know, I've been thinking ... maybe I can still smoke a little pot."
No lie.
Draw your own conclusions.
1. Whatever looks like the problem is almost never actually the problem. Untreated alcoholism is usually -- almost always -- the problem.
2. I am not supposed to be one molecule more recovered, one inch farther down the spiritual path, than I am right at this moment. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.
3. This does not mean that there aren't things I need to give my full attention -- my best effort -- to changing, or working on, or starting or letting go of -- but if, at the end of the day, I didn't drink or use or kill myself, I win -- and the rest of that crap will just have to work itself out.
